Cast:
Walter Graves
¥
Little Girl
01!
Wifey
Grampa
Narrator:
July 31, 1860
Here begins the journal of Walter, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Great Salt Lake City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
I'm 'onna take back the land of moron's for the mormons. I'll teach them there moron's that they's messin wit' the wrong mormon's. I git my guns tomorro', and I'... dun.. did.. forgot what I was thinkin' about. Anyway, we's gonna make it to Mexico if its the last thing we do!
-Walter
Narrator:
August 1, 1860
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 spare wagon axles, 2 spare wagon tongues, 2 spare wagon wheels.
Purchased 3 boxes of 20 bullets, 3 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 3 10-lb. sacks of shot, 2 pistols, 2 rifles, 2 shotguns.
Purchased 1 rifle or shotgun sheath.
Purchased 6 8-oz. jars of aloe vera, 6 8-oz. bottles of alum, 6 16-oz. bottles of ammonia, 4 16-oz. boxes of borax, 8 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 5 4-oz. bottles of calomel, 5 8-oz. bottles of camomile, 3 4-oz. bottles of camphor, 5 4-oz. bottles of capsicum, 4 16-oz. bottles of castor oil, 1 8-oz. jar of dandelion, 3 8-oz. boxes of Dover's Powder, 5 8-oz. bottles of Duffy's Elixir, 6 12-oz. bottles of epsom salts, 5 8-oz. bottles of hydrogen peroxide, 4 4-oz. bottles of iodine, 6 4-oz. bottles of ipecac, 6 16-oz. bottles of isopropyl alcohol, 3 4-oz. boxes of James Fever Powder, 6 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 4 6-oz. bottles of lecithin, 4 8-oz. bottles of linseed oil, 6 12-oz. bottles of magnesia, 6 16-oz. bottles of olive oil, 5 4-oz. bottles of peppermint, 1 4-oz. bottle of quinine, 4 4-oz. bottles of sarsaparilla, 4 6-oz. bottles of sassafras, 6 4-oz. bottles of spearmint, 6 6-oz. bottles of sulfur, 5 16-oz. bottles of turpentine, 6 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 1 ax, 1 butcher knife, 1 coffee mill, 1 coffee pot, 1 Dutch oven, 1 fishing net, 1 fishing pole, 1 fishing spear, 1 hammer, 1 hatchet, 1 kettle, 1 pick ax, 3 30-foot lengths of rope, 1 saw, 1 shovel, 1 skillet, 1 thermometer.
Purchased 800 pounds of bacon,
11 pounds of candy, 16 8-oz. cans of sardines, 80 pounds of celery, 18 pounds of cheese, 110 pounds of coffee beans, 10 10-lb. sacks of cornmeal, 20 5-lb. tins of crackers, 9 10-lb. sacks of dried beans, 100 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit, 25 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables, 50 10-lb. sacks of flour, 45 pounds of ham, 20 16-oz. jars of honey, 16 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 20 16-oz. jars of molasses, 25 10-lb. sacks of onions, 1 25-lb. keg of pickles, 25 20-lb. sacks of potatoes, 20 5-lb. tins of preserved potatoes, 8 8-oz. jars of preserves, 3 20-lb. sacks of rice, 325 pounds of salt pork, 3 1-lb. tins of smoked salmon, 10 pounds of tea.
Purchased 1 rocking chair.
Purchased 10 oxen.
Purchased 2 chickens, 1 milk cow, 1 pig.
Entry:
I ended my shoppin spree with a lot of Bacon. I dun did forgot that we needed a fiddle, but all the stores is closed now. I asked a lady fo' one but she took it as a sexual offense, so I had to hit 'er in the face, fo' bein stupid, she ran away cryin' I hope she dun go get me in trouble now.
-Walter
Why didn't he buy us any sweaters?
-¥
Are we there yet?
-Girlie Girl
Narrator:
August 8, 1860
A milk cow died today.
Entry:
God damn sonsabitches! Why! why why why why why! This can't be good! We had to bury ol' Fluffy in the middle of the road, everyone's actin' all funny, and I gotta go buy anothe' afore Girlie Girl realizes that her Fluffy is gone. I tell ya' I can't stand it when she's cryin for anythin, I wont be able to stand that cryin either.
-Walter
I bet he wouldn't give us a burial. 01! hit me upside the head for saying that earlier, but I don't believe he will.
-¥
Narrator:
August 14, 1860
Purchased 1 banjo, 1 5-lb. bag of beads, 1 blanket, 1 fiddle, 1 flute, 2 10-lb. jars of grease, 1 guitar, 2 30-yard spools of mending yarn, 1 mirror, 1 tent, 1 5-lb. sack of tobacco.
Purchased 1 pair of boots, 1 hat, 1 pair of long underwear, 1 pair of mittens, 8 sets of clothing, 1 winter coat, 1 winter scarf.
Traded 1 4-oz. bottle of quinine for 2 4-oz. boxes of James Fever Powder.
Entry:
I dun did, Did it! I found a way to keep Girlie Girl fom cryin so damn much! I got 'er one of them there mirror's She's been talkin' to 'erself for days. Li'l girls can be so funny sometimes.
I got me a fiddle and a geetar! I dun did lucked out. I had t' get my wife a flute, cuz she's been complainin about.. somethin I don't wanna talk 'bout right now. So I gave her the flute, I dun know what she gonna do with it, but she's been in the back all day. And I dun hear no music, so I gonna take it from 'er tomorro' if I dun hear no music!
-Walter
Narrator:
August 15, 1860
A sudden thunderstorm caught us on the trail. I decided it is best to continue as usual.
Rested the animals near Blue River Bridge.
Entry:
Who would I be if I stopped everytime a raindrop fell on Ol' Grampa's head? He's been cryin 'bout bein all wet like, he's a girl o' somethin. I hate t' say it but my families startin' to get a li'l annoyin as of late.
I had to rest these good f'nothin lazy ass animals, cuz they's tired all a sudden, I got coffee, why can't they have any of that? Damn stupid animals, damn them all.
-Walter
Why is Girlie Girl talking to herself in a mirror?
-¥
Narrator:
August 16, 1860
Passed Westport about noon.
We will press on until we are exhausted each day.
We will eat fewer meals.
Much grumbling today about Nick Tillman near Blue River Bridge.
Encamped a while near Independence.
Entry:
How the hell did we make it back to Independence in a day? Thats it Ol' Grampa aint bein in charge of the wagon anymore! I coulda sworn that we dun did what the legendary Great Walter "China Town" Graves dun did. But I don't think Grampa is smar' enuf t' go anywhere's but back. I say he's just havin' those dream's ag'in.
-Walter
Narrator:
August 17, 1860
Misplaced my guidebook at Blue River Bridge today. Luckily we found it before leaving.
Today I saw Westport.
Entry:
I swear that Ol' Grampy is trynna ruin this whole trip. I dun did thinkin I fo'got about somethin', before I knew it I saw ¥ flippin' through my guide book. O' Did he git it! No one touches my stuff. If I let everyone fondle with my clothes, or with everytin else, I'd be just about as worthless as Ol' Gramma, but she dead now so I can't really talk much 'bout 'er.
-Walter
What the hell did I do? Ah man does my eye hurt like a bitch!
-¥
I watched the whole thing, It was funny.
- 01!
Narrator:
August 18, 1860
Rested for a time near New Santa Fe.
Entry:
That good f' nothin Town Santa Fe. If its so new, why dun they got nothin worth buyin? Where's the Ol' Santa Fe? I guessin' that it blew up just like this one will, 'cuz this town aint nothin but a shit hole, and I hope ever'one here dies of the plague.
-Walter
This place has pretty colors!
-Girlie Girl
Narrator:
August 19, 1860
We saw a small party of coyotes today, just a mile or so west of Westport.
The trail continues to provide wonders and surprises! Today we made it to Blue River Bridge.
Entry:
Oh man! You shoulda' seen when I pushed Girlie Girl out of the wagon while it was all movin. The coyotes were no more than 20 feet from us, y' shoulda seen her screamin an' cryin' like she' a li'l girl o' somethin'. I tell ya' she' doesn' know what entertainmen' is. She's been cryin wit' Wifey all day. I tell y' they good f'nothin anyway, cuz they dun nothin' but complain this entire trip.
-Walter
P.S. I aint hear no music. That's a beat'in.
Narrator:
August 20, 1860
Found ourselves at Independence this day. Got a nasty splinter in my thumb, but extracted it without too much difficulty.
Purchased 550 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 60 pounds of bacon.
Passed some time near Blue River Bridge.
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Westport. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Entry:
I f'got t' buy more Bacon, so we had to turn all the way 'round, cuz I really need'd some mo' bacon. Everyone' there seemed really surprized to see us, but I say they all screwy anyway.
I tell y' I locked Girlie Girl with her mirror in the chicken cage, for talkin' all funny like, cuz we passed up this ol' wagon, that smelled like the devil! I tell y' it was Ugly, she talkin about how it could talk 'er somethin. so I said I had 'nough right there, 'n' she kept goin' on about some stupid story, and so I locked her up good.
-Walter
What the hell? Are we back in Independence? -¥
Narrator:
August 21, 1860
Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of New Santa Fe.
Entry:
It' neve' a good t'ing when women talk to eachothe' so I had to follo' ol' Whitney down the trail, and shoot 'er incase Wifey said somethin t' her. I dun did left her lyin in the dirt, I hope those Coyotes get 'er 'afor' Girlie Girl finds' 'er.
-Walter
That lady was really nice, she gave me a neat pocket watch it's all shiney. I wonder where that gunshot came from, it was kinda creepy.
-¥
Narrator:
August 23, 1860
Saw a grave dug up by wolves near Lone Elm--bones scattered about. A most distressing sight!
Entry:
Well Tarnations I never did dun know that wolves dug up graves. That is the damndest thing I ever did saw eve'. Maybe it was China Town's grave. I wondered for a while about it, so I pushed ¥ into the grave, to see if he could find any resemblance with the remain's of the corpse. He came back with a strange glare in his eyes, so I hit 'im a good'in knockin' 'em out f'er hour's.
-Walter
Narrator:
August 25, 1860
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Hot Dang! I never woulda thought we could make it this far! Maybe it was Ol' China Town's ghost that has kept us alive so long. I never did dun thought that it woul' ever take this long to reach Canada, or wherever it is that we was goin'. I wonder why ¥ is still upset about the whole grave incident, I mean it aint like he dead or nuthin. Ol' Girlie Girl has been, I haven't seen 'er in a while.
-Walter
Narrator:
August 28, 1860
Had a bit of a run-in with another wagon party today near Blue Mound, but we patched up our differences before nightfall.
Entry:
I dun did gots myself in anothe' sitiation where people expect y' to know somthin 'bout some woman who went missin a few day's ago. How the hell am I supposed' t'kno' everythin' about someon' I neve' met anyway? They say she was found a few hours ago, with a few gunshot wounds. I dun did not know what tehy was talkin' bout so I punched the good f'nothin jerk ass that was buggin' us in th' first place.
-Walter
I still can't get some of that dirt, mud or whatever it was that I fell into the other day out. It smells awful!
-¥
Narrator:
August 29, 1860
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Lawrence. If I were superstitious, I’d call it a bad omen.
Purchased 4 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 3 8-oz. boxes of Dover's Powder, 4 4-oz. boxes of James Fever Powder, 9 4-oz. bottles of peppermint.
Entry:
I damn near took Grampa's head off when I started shootin' at the birds, but he got his self in my way, and I damn near shot 'em. I hit 'em good fo' bein annoyin' he was all happy about findin some stupid rock 'er somethin' I tell ya old people is dumb. Dumb as hell.
-Walter
I found my ol' pocket watch from when I traveled the oregon trail 30 years ago. Wow its all green and stuff.
-Grampy
Narrator:
August 30, 1860
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
How dare these people ask me t' stop cuz of some "heat" I tell y' I startin' t' hate these good f'nothin' savages. They's nothin but Morons. Thats right. I said it. Nothin but morons.. I can't help but recognize what I just said as bein somethin I was gonna do. But owell I dun did forgot what I was talkin about.. Ag'in.
Damn its hot.. I think I'm gonna go lie down fo' a while. I tink da horses kno' where they's goin.
-Walter
He's sleeping! No one else knows how to handle a wagon! Oh jesus christ!
-¥
Narrator:
September 1, 1860
We suffered a terrible loss. Grampa died. We plan to continue immediately.
A severe thunderstorm made travel difficult today. We figured we would continue as usual.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
We're missing one of the oxen, and we decided to continue.
Entry:
Well I'll be. I dun did walked into where Grampa' sleeps and tarnations... He's dead! I didn't think it at first, I poked him, and I heard a li'l grunt I figerd it just meant he was exerting gas er sumthin.. I rekon ol' people do that er sumthin.. So we throws him off the Wagon 'n' I say "So long!" everyone else thinks that he was still alive. I coulda swore I heard 'em screaming in pain as he hit the movin' ground. But I tell ya I don't believe in ghosts or none of that hocus pocus. I do believe he was Dead. Everyone here are foo's anyway so I reckon they moron's.
-Walter
Narrator:
September 2, 1860
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Topeka.
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
How dare they tell me t' stop cuz of the heat ag'in I hit 01! good for actin all excited about almost bein t' some place called Salt Lake City. I hit 'em good, cuz last I checked we was goin to China.
-Walter
God damn, Walter just keeps going off about this absurd story that he undoubtably made up. Something about, fighting off an army with a sword in one hand, and a bottle of jin in the other. He's such an idiot. It's a shame that Girlie Girl still believes him.
-¥
Narrator:
September 3, 1860
A very sad day, Wifey died. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Girlie Girl died. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Oh damn! Not them too! Oh well. I dumped them off like Ol' Grampa, I reckon they's nothin but weaklin's anyway. If they died this short in the trip. Then what makes me think they'd help me get t' India and fight off them there damn indians?
-Walter
He killed them I know it! Oh jesus they were just sleeping! I just talked to them a few hours ago! Oh god why he's going to kill us too!
-¥
Narrator:
September 4, 1860
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Kansas River. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Walter died.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Final Entry:
I shot the mother fucker.
-¥
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