Cast:
This is the story of Boobs McGillis and his travels with Zeke (Age: 30), Space Pope (25), Dickle (18), Ho Bag (10), and Faggity (65).
Narrator:
July 31, 1840
Here begins the journal of Boobs McGillis, formerly a journalist. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Willamette Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Narrator:
August 1, 1840
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
We will have to eat less each day.
Traded 1 dollar for 30 pounds of bacon.
Traded 7 dollars for 1 spare wagon axle.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 set of cooking utensils.
Traded 30 pounds of bacon for 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Traded 1 spare wagon axle for 60 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 harmonica.
Traded 9 dollars for 4 blankets.
Traded 71 dollars for 1 grandfather clock.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 4-oz. bottles of ipecac.
Traded 5 dollars for 2 pairs of long underwear.
Traded 3 dollars for 3 pairs of shoes.
Traded 151 dollars for 4 mules.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 ax.
Traded 28 dollars for 8 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 16-oz. bottles of ammonia.
Traded 114 dollars for 1 shotgun.
Traded 24 dollars for 7 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 7 dollars for 30 pounds of meat.
Traded 8 dollars for 4 chickens.
Traded 18 dollars for 1 pistol.
Traded 188 dollars for 16 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
Traded 127 dollars for 1 rifle.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 dress.
Traded 27 dollars for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Traded 1 spare wagon wheel for 1 guitar.
Traded 1 grandfather clock for 1 mule.
Traded 2 mules for 5 oxen.
Came to Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Westport.
Saw some Indians in the distance not far from New Santa Fe. No incident, but some concern.
Entry:
Four days until my birthday. This should be some good travelin'. Those hookers over in the west sure do sound like fun. I'm bringin' a few people along so that if I run out of food I can go cannibal on their ass. Oh, and my ten year old daughter for the boys to fight over. Hell, its a long trip. I might hafta disown her and have a go myself!
Narrator:
August 2, 1840
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Camped today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, this trip is gonna be fuckin' pimp. I'm gonna be fuckin' captain. That means I'm in charge bitches! You hear that out there? I'M THE MAN!
Narrator:
August 3, 1840
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
Not much goin' on today it seems. Two days until my birthday. We gonna have a big blow out.
Narrator:
August 4, 1840
A sudden thunderstorm caught us on the trail. I decided it is best to continue as usual.
Entry:
Alittle rain never hurt anyone. The lightning was pretty. We shoved a metal pole up our chicken's ass to see if he'd get shocked. To our disappointment, he just bled alittle. It was sexy though.
Narrator:
August 5, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to slow down.
Entry:
Go Boobs, its your birthday. Fuckin' awesome. Its hot, but damn we got plastered and shit. It was great. Zeke had his way with my daughter Ho Bag. That kinda pissed me off... And, one of the mother fuckers in the third wagon didn't get me a present. We'll see what he says when we cross the next river... Dumb son of a bitch.
Narrator:
August 6, 1840
Reached another prominent landmark today: Kansas River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Travelin' today is goin' well. My daughter looks good in that dress... Fuck, I gotta stop thinkin' like that. This isn't England.
Narrator:
August 7, 1840
We swamped the wagon in the river and lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 5 pounds of bacon; 2 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 chicken; 3 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; and various other items.
Entry:
Damnit... We lost the chicken. And a bottle of my brandy. I was pissed. I shanked that guy that didn't get me a present. He regretted it. I found out later, he had gotten me the chicken we lost and wasn't gonna tell me until we were alone. That fag. I'm glad I stabbed him.
Narrator:
August 8, 1840
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Fuckin' woot.
Narrator:
August 9, 1840
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Red Vermillion River. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Oh we forded that mother fucker. It was awesome. I tripped Ho Bag. She hit her head on a rock. It was great. Then Zeke raped her. That kinda ruined the mood, but it was fun to watch anyway
Narrator:
August 10, 1840
Saw a mountain lion not far from Scott Spring.
Entry:
Damn lion... Makes me wanna have sex with something. Cats are naturally sexified.
I'm startin' to notice, ten days on the road now, that we have a shit load of mexicans traveling with us. Maybe that lion will come visit?
Narrator:
August 12, 1840
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Alcove Spring.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Saw Big Blue River, sight is most reassuring.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Some people been complainin' about those ten-hour days. I think I'll work 'em a bit harder to keep up morale.
Narrator:
August 13, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 2 pounds of bacon; 1 4-oz. bottle of ipecac; 1 pair of shoes; 1 ax; and various other items.
jWe suffered a terrible loss. Faggity drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
Wow. Just when I think I'm not workin' 'em enough, they let the damn wagon tip over in five ft. deep water? Those fucking pansies. Oh, they're gonna pay. And Faggity died. That dumb shit. He was fuckin' six foot tall. And he drown in five foot deep water? Hell, we knew he was drownin'. We just watched. Figured if he was stupid enough to not stand up, he deserved death. We left his carcass in the river. The fish will thank us someday.
Narrator:
August 15, 1840
It's mighty hot today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
August 16, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to continue as usual.
The morale in our wagon party is low. We are hoping to continue.
Entry:
Those mother fuckers are driving me nuts. Complainin' and shit... Wahh, its hot. Lets rest.. Fuck them. They should've enjoyed the river some more. Like Faggity. Damn.
Narrator:
August 17, 1840
Ho Bag came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Another step on the trail; today we reached The Narrows.
Entry:
Continue is damn right. If she's sick, I ain't tappin' that ass. Zeke hit it though... I tried to warn him, but he was already poundin' away. She sneezed on his junk. It was pretty gross.
Narrator:
August 19, 1840
Ho Bag has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
I threw some water at the bitch. Figured it'd wake her up. Zeke's still lookin' at her kinda funny... I hope he ain't plannin' to run off with her.
Narrator:
August 20, 1840
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of "The Coast of Nebraska".
Entry:
It looked like balls. Wet ones.
Narrator:
August 22, 1840
We lost a chicken today.
Entry:
Zeke had sex with it. I don't know why... I guess because he's startin' to show signs of gettin' sick too. But, he ain't sayin' nothing yet. He's a strong one.
Narrator:
September 3, 1840
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 191 pounds of meat.
Traded 1 dress for 1 thermometer.
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia.
Traded 8 pounds of meat for 1 12-oz. bottle of magnesia.
Entry:
Yeah, everyone was pretty tired, we were out of food. So, we had a fourteen day rest and I shot some shit. It was good times.
Had ta trade Ho Bag's only dress for a thermometer. She's runnin' around naked. Its pissin' Zeke off. After we found out she's really sick, I had to give up some bullets and my man meat for some curative shit. I dunno if I got the right stuff, but damnit she better like it.
Narrator:
September 4, 1840
We will travel eight hours/day from now on.
We will have heartier meals.
Entry:
Figured I'd get those assfucks to shut up. Zeke seemed happy, but Ho Bag ain't lookin' so good. I'm gonna go touch her in some fun places. See if it makes her feel better.
Nope.
Narrator:
September 6, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Pear pads, edible Salsify roots, edible Black Mustard greens and edible Currants.
Entry:
Forced Ho Bag to cook for us. She did pretty good for someone that kept throwin' up. Maybe I shouldn't have worked her so hard...
Narrator:
September 7, 1840
We suffered a terrible loss. Ho Bag died. We plan to continue immediately.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Zeke was pissed. He got everyone to rebel again' me. I'm just kinda... taggin' along now. We went to bury the body and we couldn't find it... I think Zeke took her, but I'm not sure. He's a sick man... Dickle has been workin' pretty hard lately. If I were still captain, I'd hook him up with some slut. But, alas...
Narrator:
September 11, 1840
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Plum Creek. If I were superstitious, I'd call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Heh. Those buzzards looked funny. I think they're following us 'cause of Zeke. I'll look into it.
Narrator:
September 15, 1840
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to continue as usual.
Entry:
New captain is as cold as I was. No food, no water, walkin' all damn day. It sucks. Is this how I was treatin' people? Man, I deserve to've been excommunicated from the church.
Narrator:
September 21, 1840
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker. He's goin' the same way Ho Bag did. And I know why... He's still doin' her! I saw that wagon rockin' last night and I knew what was goin' on. I just didn't wanna admit it. Shit. What a way to go.
Narrator:
September 22, 1840
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 water keg.
Entry:
Space Pope was bitchin' about not having any food. I slapped him and said that the captain knows what's best. He shut up, and I killed a mule and fed him its penis. He liked it. Said it tasted like bratwurst.
Narrator:
September 23, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
Entry:
Typhus? The fuck is that? No one here knew how to treat it, so we threw a bucket of water on him and kept goin'. He doesn't look so good.
Narrator:
September 24, 1840
Nooned near O'Fallon's Bluffs.
Narrator:
September 25, 1840
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Those motherfuckers came crawlin' back. I'm gonna be alittle nicer. They only accepted me because I found the rotting corpse of Ho Bag in Zeke's wagon. Man, that guy... I swear. Apparently, Dickle had alittle of her too. I dunno who got sloppy seconds, but Dickle still looks pretty fucked up. I hope they both die.
Narrator:
September 26, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
I threw another bucket of water on him, and they kicked me out again. What the fuck? These guys don't know what the hell they're doin'. I'm thinkin' about running off to live with the Indians. They's got hot bitches.
Narrator:
September 28, 1840
A very sad day, Dickle has died. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Poor Dickle. Apparently, he had eaten out Ho Bag, pre-death. He told us right before he was going to die, but I shot that mother fucker first. Damnit. Ho Bag was supposed to be mine. I didn't even get laid. Fuck.
Narrator:
September 29, 1840
Space Pope has scarlet fever, and we're planning to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
Now my buddy Space Pope is falling ill. He's got something else though. I think it came from those engines we raped a few miles back... Maybe those bushes we buried them under were poisonous after all... I'll try to help him out as best I can.
Narrator:
October 5, 1840
Just learned that one of the oxen was injured. We're going to continue as usual.
Made an early start this morning; passed South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
It looked like a good idea at the time.
Narrator:
October 6, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 9 pounds of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 192 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Clearly I was wrong.
Narrator:
October 7, 1840
Entry:
Space Pope is feeling alittle better today. I think he's gonna make it. Zeke on the other hand... I beat the fuck out of him after I got drunk. He cried like a bitch, so I hit him some more and forced him to eat some mule shit. He liked it. Ate some more, threw up, and now he's throwin' it at some of the kids that ain't died yet. Zeke's fucked in the head man.
We gonna climb this hill tomorrow.
Narrator:
October 8, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 set of cooking utensils; 1 blanket; 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 16 pounds of meat and various other items.
Entry:
Fuck. If at first you don't succeed...
Narrator:
October 9, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 3 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck. Just, fuck.
Narrator:
October 10, 1840
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
And boy are my arms tired... You guys will understand that in a few hundred years.
Narrator:
October 11, 1840
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Ash Hollow; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots and edible Plantain leaves.
Entry:
The skull reminded me of Ho Bag. I fucked the eye sockets out of desperation when no one was looking. Decided to leave it there... My lost love.
Need to find some shit for these bitches to eat.
Narrator:
October 13, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Currants and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Black Mustard greens.
Traded 1 mule for 1 shotgun.
Entry:
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 213 pounds of meat.
Found some shit. Eat up fuckers.
Narrator:
October 15, 1840
Our path was blocked by a prairie fire, and we decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
DAMNIT ZEKE! I told you not to play with that fucking fire you ass. Zeke got alittle burned, but he didn't slow us down. We just ran through it. Afterwards, I beat the fuck out of him for starting the fire in the first place. That dumb cunt.
Narrator:
October 26, 1840
Space Pope has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Blackberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Traded 27 pounds of meat for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 gallon jug of whiskey.
Traded 1 pistol for 4 pounds of fresh fruit.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 171 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn. Space Pope gettin' sick again. I'm startin' to worry about him. But, I can't be takin' time to help him out right now. Gotta keep goin'. Only 1500 miles to go!
Traded my suicide pistol in for some fuckin' fruit. Space Pope did that. I think he was wantin' to kill himself, but didn't wanna give in to the pain. I beat him pretty good when I found out.
Got some more food stuffs too. Hopefully that'll shut those kids up. Damn they just keep bitchin'. The trio of doom has this shit under control. S.P., Zeke and Boobs 4eva
Narrator:
October 30, 1840
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Chimney Rock.
Narrator:
November 2, 1840
The fog is as thick as pea soup. I reckon we'll continue as usual.
Traveled past Scotts Bluff this afternoon.
Narrator:
November 3, 1840
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 box of 20 bullets.
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to approach them.
We talked to them.
We were distressed to learn that a thief stole 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 17 pounds of meat. We're going to search for the thief.
We did not find the thief or our supplies.
Encamped a while near Robidoux Pass.
Entry:
That fuckin' mexican bitch lied to me! She stole my shit. Didn't find the thief, but Zeke did have sex with her while we were in negotiations earlier. He's got some kind of virus or something I think, so it'll fuck her up good. Way to shoot your load Zeke!
Narrator:
November 4, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 5, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 6, 1840
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 harmonica for 11 pounds of fresh vegetables.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
We talked to them.
Entry:
Found an engine today. She was bitchin' about some people killin' buffalo. I gave her my harmonica for some veggies. Then I shoved a carrot up her... Hey, we're moving again.
Narrator:
November 7, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 8, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 9, 1840
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn dust. 100 days on the road. Three dead, and everyone hates me. I'm doin' good if I say so myself.
Narrator:
November 10, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 12, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
Damn high price if you ask me. Fuckin' rip off. Fuck this trip is startin' to piss me off.
Narrator:
November 13, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Zeke has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke got sick. Must've been that damn engine. Fucked him over good. His own fault probably. We're gonna just ignore him and hope the problem resolves itself.
Narrator:
November 14, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Entry:
Eternal might've been a harsh word, but damn. Where is this shit comin' from? Faggity might have something to say about eatin' dust... Get it? He's dead. We didn't bury him. HA HA HA! I own you.
Narrator:
November 18, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blackberries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Narrator:
November 19, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Salsify roots and poisonous Locoweed pods.
Narrator:
November 20, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
I told Zeke not to eat those berries, but he was like... "Screw you. You're not the boss of me." Then Space Pope smarted off and said "No, but his daughter sure had you pussy whipped."
I beat the Space Pope senseless. Then I jammed a stick in Zeke's ear while he was asleep. He twitched. It made me feel better.
Narrator:
November 22, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck its been cold lately. Good thing I got some blankets.
Narrator:
November 23, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 183 pounds of meat.
A dangerous beast attacked our party. I was mauled by the animal. I suppose we'll clean and dress the wound.
Entry:
OH FUCK! That shit hurt. I was shootin' some bear and shit in the snow, and a fuckin' lion just jumped out at me. The weird thing, is that Space Pope was riding the mother fucker. I don't know what him and Zeke were doing with a lion in the bushes, but it was fuckin' pissed. God this hurts.
Narrator:
November 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Its still fuckin' cold. Damnit. Why'd we wait and leave in August? That's just fucked up. We could've left sooner, but Ho Bag had ta be a ho bag and fucked it up for everyone with her whoring job back in Independence. Heh, I remember when she fucked her first black man. She was so proud.
Narrator:
November 25, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 26, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 27, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Burdock roots, poisonous Black Nightshade berries and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Plantain leaves, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Currants and edible Rose hips.
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Rose hips.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 28, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker Zeke went off picking berries again. I don't think he knows what the hell he's doing. I threw a couple of poisonous ones in there just to teach him a lesson. But the fucker vomitted in my tent. Damn I was pissed.
Narrator:
December 6, 1840
I have an infection, and we're hoping to apply antiseptic to wound.
Entry:
Damnit. My wound got infected from the cold. Poured some antiseptic in it, burnt like a mother fucker. Man... I want some pussy before I die.
Narrator:
December 8, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The animals are exhausted and can't continue. I've decided to double-team the animals.
One of the oxen was injured. It looks like we'll have to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuckin' animals are just givin' out left and right. I got mauled by a FUCKING LION and I'm still goin'. Shit.
Narrator:
December 10, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 11, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 12, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 13, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 14, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 15, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 20, 1840
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to rest here awhile.
Entry:
Its been so cold... So fucking cold. But, we keep going. The exercise gives us warmth. Atleast thats what the elves tell me. I think I'm starting to go insane. We took a rest. My wound bled into the mouth of a young boy. It was the sexiest thing I ever saw.
Narrator:
December 21, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
We've only got 1 ox left, but we needed the wheel. WE NEEDED IT!
Narrator:
December 22, 1840
One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Told you.
Narrator:
December 23, 1840
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 215 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I feel happy. Its warming up, we've got plenty of food. I'm captain again. There's a cute girl in one of the other wagons that keeps smiling at me. I think I'm gonna give her my seed. I killed some stuff... I'll admit, I've been kinda scared to do it since the lion incident, but ya gotta get back on the horse. Or shoot it. Whatever.
Narrator:
December 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Traded 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit.
Traded 1 blanket for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Entry:
What the hell happened? The meadows froze over instantly. I'm not captain anymore. I got some fruit and vegetables but I don't know why... I don't know why... And that girl I was checkin' out, turns out to be Zeke. What the fuck is happening? Is this wound really that bad?
Narrator:
December 25, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fucking cold... fucking...
Narrator:
December 26, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Traded 6 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Narrator:
December 27, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Narrator:
December 28, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 29, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 30, 1840
Zeke has been suffering from frostbite. We hope to rub affected area with snow.
Entry:
I think the cold helps the frostbite. Everyone else thought I was stupid... We'll show them. Won't we hunny bunny? Oh, let me introduce you to my sister, slutmagic. We've been fucking like rabbits. She's having my baby in a month. We just started having sex yesterday... This new world is amazing.
Narrator:
December 31, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We suffered a terrible loss. Space Pope froze to death. We plan to provide a proper burial.
Entry:
I cried today. I molested a dead man's ass too. And my tears froze. And my jizz froze. And my sister disappeared with our baby. Space Pope, you will be missed... God, I don't know how much longer I can hold out... But I'm doin' who I can. I mean, what I can. Well, both. Whatever. Goodbye to you Space Pope, you were always there for the reach-around.
Narrator:
January 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're goi
Entry:ng to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke's gettin' sick again. I think its just him missin' Pope. But, Zeke's always healed himself before. This should be no different.
Narrator:
January 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 4, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 5, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 6, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 8, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 9, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 10, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Its cold.
This is, Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission; to seek out new life and new civilizations. To 'Boldly Go'. A place no man has gone before. My anus.
I'm having visions of the future. They're sexy. Black women in short skirts. I'm all about that. Uhura you whore!
Narrator:
January 11, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 12, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 13, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 14, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 15, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Fuckin', why do they tease me?! I keep expecting to wake up back in Independence and this all have been a bad acid trip.
Fucked our last oxen earlier today. Zeke watched. Me and him's alone now... Don't know how we're gonna make it through.
Narrator:
January 16, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 17, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck Zeke... Don't you leave me too. Everyone leaves me. My rubber duck. My sister. Uhura... What the fuck man? I wish Space Pope were here. He'd fix you right good.
Narrator:
January 18, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 19, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 20, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 21, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 22, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 23, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 24, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 25, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Zeke started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Drink it Zeke. DRINK IT DAMNIT.
Narrator:
February 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 4, 1841
Zeke has been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to go look for edible plants.
Entry:
I'm not a hobbit. I can't find no damn plants.
Narrator:
February 5, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 6, 1841
We suffered a terrible loss. Zeke has died. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
ZEKE! Damnit... What have I done? This is all my fault... Its ALL MY FAULT! FUCKIN' BOOBIES!
Narrator:
February 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My last moments will always be remembered... I'm freezing... My tears are like shards of ice on cold skin. A mouth covers my penis with sucking motions... Who's doing that? Damnit Jeb, get the fuck out of here. I'm dying you ass.
This is the end for me. I ran everyone I cared about into death. I hope that someday, they can forgive me while I rot in hell for what I've done.
Ah fuck it. God ain't forgiving me. I did it. I loved it. Jeb get back in here and get to work! Goodnight cruel world... Boobs McGillis lea~
Narrator:
February 8, 1841
Boobs McGillis died.
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