Independence is a Dump

Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Kain: 30
Keith: 25
Girlie Girl: 5
Wifey: 15
Grampy: 65

Narrator:
April 30, 1850
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.

Entry:
Howdy yall! Walter Graves here, I reckon that I dun gonna live out my childhood dream and take on the great Oregon Trail, nah really, aint as much a dream as it is an escape from this pitfall of dump town Independence. Lemme tell ya somethin'bout Independence: The people here is dumber than a sack of tomatoes, aint no one question that I'm a banker, that's why I'm rich bitch! And the whole town smells like shit, cuz dun everyone just poop in the street! I'm standing in human shit right now! Anyway, I'm gonna make it to Oregon, cuz I reckon they got better lookin' hookers, or so I'm told...Sounds like a nice trip for my family too!
- Walter Graves

Why did my Walter take a dump on Main Street and jump in it?
- Wifey

Walter said he's goin to the Tit Capital of the world. I'm fuckin THERE!
- Kain Vinosec

I heard why he stepped in his shit, what the hell was he thinking? Guy is right though, this town is a fucking dump.
- Keith

Daddy says I'm gonna run the family business in Oregon!
- Girlie Girl

I reckon I too old t' travel from home, but my boy said I had no choice while aimin his gun at me...
- Grampy

Narrator:
May 1, 1850
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 90 boxes of 20 bullets, 95 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 85 10-lb. sacks of shot, 13 pistols, 6 rifles, 6 shotguns.
Purchased 2 mules, 20 oxen.
Purchased 25 boxes of 20 bullets, 9 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
As expected, we made it to Blue River today.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
The trail brought us to Westport today.

Entry:
I reckon I stock up on enough guns and ammo to kill our way to Oregon. This is war!
- Walter Graves

I got Kain and Keith their own wagons too! I reckon' they each wanted things, but I dun spent all my money on this here ammunition. I mean, I reckon I wanted a hat, but I had to sacrifice that for another rifle!
- Walter Graves

That fucker punched me for trying to buy candy! I was going to kick him in the balls, but then I saw all the guns and ammo he had in his wagon.. Fuck I'm not going near that wagon.
- Kain Vinosec

Walter just told me if one bullet one missing from his wagon, he'd beat me...
- Wifey

I took a bullet for good luck, just like the good ol' days!
- Grampy

Narrator:
May 2, 1850
Passed New Santa Fe today.

Entry:
Today we reached some shit'n'grin place, I say I was gonna stop by and check the place out, but I was countin' my bullets and realized I was one short. So I dun beat my wife while we passed by that New Santa Fe. Ever'one's depressed, I reckon, they aren't the ones who gonna feed us! I am. I'm the only one here who dun qualified for huntin'
- Walter Graves

I really had to piss man...
- Kain Vinosec

Kain just peed his pants! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Girlie Girl was laughin' at him, so I ordered her to go clean him off.
- Walter Graves

Kain and Girlie Girl have been gone for like 3 hours. Where the hell did they go?
- Keith

Narrator:
May 3, 1850
We laid by today near Lone Elm.

Entry:
Man, I'm gonna piss myself more often!
- Kain Vinosec

There were a lot of weird noises coming from Kain's wagon last night, I reckon he might be worshipping that there witchcraft...I'll be nicer to 'im... I'm scared of ghosts man...
- Walter Graves

Somethin' sure spooked Walter, he's whiter than bitches tit and shakin' like he got them rickets disease! He's totin' that shotgun mighty close too... I'll try talkin' to him.
- Keith

Wow! Walter just gave me a rifle. I feel honored, he's never given anyone anything. EVER. Did he want me to bang his daughter?
- Kain

I dun gaved Kain one of my huntin' rifles. I reckon' if he's a sorceror, we're goin' need his supernatural powers to gather us more food.
- Walter Graves

I knew Walter would come around, he didn't even give me the ring he bought me fo' our weddin'! All he said was "I aint trust a woman with nothin' valiable." Then threatened me with a knife durin' the ceremony while telling the priest; "She does..."
- Wifey

Narrator:
May 5, 1850
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 105 pounds of meat.

Entry:
I dun knew Kain was a sorceror! He dun bagged more dead animals than I have so far! Oh lord bless that man!
- Walter Graves

Why did Walter just give me that gay look?
- Kain

Narrator:
May 6, 1850
The fog was awful this morning. We decided to continue as usual.

Entry:
Aint nothin happen today, just another day huggin' my Arms.
- Walter Graves

I just walked in on Walter kissing his rifle...with tongue...I...I'm gonna go barf....
- Kain Vinosec

I haven't said anything in a while. So...What up?
- Keith

Narrator:
May 7, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
That dumb sonovabitch! He failed me! I reckon' he aint no damn sorceror! He be one of them warlock savages that dun decieve you int' believin' in stuff that aint true! I kicked him in the balls when he came back with nothin!
- Walter Graves

Wait. What? Why does Walter think I have supernatural powers? What the FUCK is going on man?
- Kain Vinosec

Narrator:
May 9, 1850
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Kansas River.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.

Entry:
I reckon that Kain explained that he dun was no witch, warlock or a damn sorceror. I say he's a lying sack o'shit! I heard them noises he made that night he spent with Girlie Gir.......OH THAT BASTARD!
- Walter Graves

Oh my lord! Walter just dragged Kain out of his wagon at gun point, and kicked the shit out of him! Oh no! I think he killed him!
- Wifey

I warned Kain about fucking Walter's kin. Jesus, Walter said he didn't shoot 'im cuz he'd be wasting resources... I guess that's a plus?
- Keith

I'm gonna get that mother fucker...
- Kain Vinosec

Narrator:
May 10, 1850
Today we have traveled 100 miles.
We tipped the wagon and lost 5 boxes of 20 bullets; 5 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; 3 10-lb. sacks of shot; 1 pound of meat and various other items.
Kain was nearly drowned today. We're planning to continue.
Kain has internal injuries. We plan to make patient comfortable.
A very sad day, Kain has died of internal injuries. We will continue immediately.

Entry:
That dumb fuck, Kain! I dun figure we float across and we'd be safe fo' sure, I mean wood float, we float, aint no harm in that I reckon! I got bored midway through and decided t' push Kain off the wagon, for shits and grins, it was all just good fun until he decided he' goin try t' get back on, and damn tipped the wagon over! Dumb fuck got pinned under the water, I could've helped him, we were at the shore of the other side by then, water was no more than a foot deep. But I left his ass there for bein' a dumb fuck, and for touchin my daughter.
- Walter

He just watched his friend die, I gotta get out of here.
- Keith

Narrator:
May 11, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 187 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Today I decided to go huntin' I shot me so many critters! I reckon' I gonna eat it allll my self! Man I got two wagons to myself now too!
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 12, 1850
Arrived at Saint Mary’s Mission.
Traveled past Red Vermillion River this afternoon.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.

Entry:
Well I reckon Floating got Kain killed, I reckon' I aint ever gonna trust these morons again so fuck you river!
- Walter Graves

Why is Walter flicking off the water?
- Keith

Narrator:
May 13, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 81 pounds of meat.
For a time today we feared we were lost. We were much relieved to find ourselves at an identifiable location, Scott Spring.

Entry:
Today I went huntin' I was dun out there for like 4 hours, and finally shot me a deer good! I dun go back and find everyone gone! Those fuckers abandoned me here! ...I'm gonna get 'em.
- Walter Graves

I finally caught up to the wagon train, yup. Don't ask how I did, I will never tell. I dun choke the shit out of Keith for tryin' to abandon me! He claimed they were waitin' where I left 'em, but I say he dun know nothin'. I proved it cuz he dun later said we was lost, and I knew we wasn't!
- Walter Graves

That mother fucker almost broke my neck! I kicked him in the face, and stomped his ass, he wont touch me ever again.
- Keith

I aint know Keith had fight in'em. Now I remember why I dun give'd him a wagon. I gave him a rifle, cuz I dun reckon' I was wrong about him all along.
- Walter

Narrator:
May 15, 1850
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Alcove Spring. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of Big Blue River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.

Entry:
I caught Girlie Girl talkin' to an abandoned wagon. She was talkin' bout what stories it has, or somethin' so I beat her. I can't tolerate stupidity no more on my voyages. I hope that black eye heals by the time we reach Oregon. I gotta remember to watch my temper from now on. Oh dammit...
- Walter Graves

Lemme tell ya about that Miss Whitney, she's got great tits yo, I think I got me another person fo' my business in Oregon, Woo! I got me a sexy interview to conduct tonight!
- Walter Graves

I warned that lady about Walter's temper... some people are just retarded. I'm caulking the river, that bastards not gonna kill me.
- Keith

Narrator:
May 16, 1850
Misplaced my guidebook at St. Joseph Road Junction today. Luckily we found it before leaving.

Entry:
I dun lost my guidebook this mornin', then I realized Miss Whitney had stole it! I got her back, let's just say a mountain lion got her. That's what I sayin'.

Narrator:
May 20, 1850
Keith came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.

Entry:
My friend Keith dun got sick, he'll walk it off.

Narrator:
May 21, 1850
Mr. Lumare figured we would reach The Narrows today, and he was right.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
That Mr. Lumare thinks he's so smart. I knew we was reachin the Narrows. It' right fuckin' there on the fuckin' map! Some people just need to eat shit. I'm goin huntin!
- Walter Graves

Damn gun jammed!
- Walter

Narrator:
May 22, 1850
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to continue over the obstruction.

Entry:
Damn I was hopin the boulders would crush Keith's wagon, shit! No particular reason, I'm just bored.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 24, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 185 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Woo! I shot me a deer in the face! Finally.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 26, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 150 pounds of meat.

Entry:
I reckon' huntin' the best experience a man can enjoy. I dun shot me a bear too, but I left it rottin' in the sun.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 27, 1850
Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near “The Coast of Nebraska”; had a very nice chat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
I banged his wife.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 28, 1850
As expected, we made it to Fort Kearny today.

Entry:
Those people are retarded. Let's ne'er go here again!
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 30, 1850
Girlie Girl has a bad cold. We're going to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 177 pounds of meat.

Entry:
I say I aint never been sick 'afore, so I dun see why they all complainin'. I tol' Girlie Girl if she dun get better she goin' to ruin my future family business!
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
May 31, 1850
Reached Plum Creek about noon--about time!

Entry:
About fuckin time!
- Walter

Narrator:
June 1, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 5 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Fuck.

Narrator:
June 2, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Just, Fuck!

Narrator:
June 3, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 162 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Damn yeah! Finally!

Narrator:
June 5, 1850
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 186 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Woo! That dirt dun kicked up some rabbit nests I shot me like 300 rabbits! Woo!

Narrator:
June 8, 1850
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near O’Fallon’s Bluffs.

Entry:
I dun know why, but Girlie Girl has been cryin ever since I dun told my stories...
- Walter Graves

That sick fuck was talking about a monster creeping out of the woods, and as his punchline he threw a bloody rabbit corpse at Girlie Girl, hitting her in the face. That poor girl...
- Keith

Narrator:
June 9, 1850
We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 147 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Just another day, more animals dead, more dust, mo' complainin. Girlie Girl's still cryin. I dun know why, I thought it was funny, shit hell, it still makes me laugh, so I dun throwed anotha' dead rabbit at her while she was sleepin. That'll do'er good.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
June 14, 1850
Grampy has a bad cold. We're going to rest here awhile.

Entry:
I say good, serves him right for complainin'.
- Walter Graves

He just slapped his old man, for no reason...
- Keith

Narrator:
June 15, 1850
Went gathering. We found edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Dandelion leaves and roots and edible Blackberries.

Entry:
I reckon' some good poison'll do Grampy good!
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
June 16, 1850
Grampy has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 169 pounds of meat.
I just got bitten by a wild animal. We're going to clean and dress the wound.
Arrived at South Platte River today.
Decided to ford the river.

Entry:
Got 'em! I kicked him good while he was down too!
- Walter Graves

Oh shit! He let the horses go while beating Grampy and oh shit The river looks deep!
- Keith

Narrator:
June 17, 1850
Wifey came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Lamb's Quarters leaves, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Groundplum pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Groundplum pods.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
Wifey got sick, I tol'er it's probably cuz o'what happened earlier. But I dun care, I went and picked berries.
- Walter

Narrator:
June 18, 1850
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.

Entry:
Woo! 500 miles and I've killed like 400 thousand critters! This is the best trip I ever dun gone on!
- Walter Graves

Wow, we really made it this far? Kain would be proud
- Keith

Narrator:
June 19, 1850
Confounded mosquitoes! There's no end to them! We'll continue.
In good spirits today; got as far as Ash Hollow.

Entry:
I'm itchin' like a mothe' fucker. Dammit I gotta go.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
June 20, 1850
Grampa came down with cholera. We've got to continue as usual.
We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.
Found ourselves at Ash Hollow this day. Got a nasty splinter in my thumb, but extracted it without too much difficulty.

Entry:
Good. That'll learn 'em for not bein smart.
- Walter

Narrator:
June 22, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
Dammit!

Narrator:
June 26, 1850
Girlie Girl has a bad cold. We're going to continue as usual.

Entry:
No! I tol' her not to get sick 'gain! I can't afford to lose my home business!

Narrator:
June 27, 1850
Encamped a while near Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 130 pounds of meat.

Entry:
Woot Damn! I shot me a bunch of racoons and a fox! That shit was fun.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
June 29, 1850
Arrived at Chimney Rock, despite some “help” from Nicholas J. Tillman.
Went gathering. We found edible Cattail roots, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!), edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Blackberries.

Entry:
That Mr. Tillman is a DEAD MAN. He tried to tell me I had a fine daughter and a beautiful wife. I dun punched him good. My business aint start til we reach Oregon dammit.
- Walter Graves

Walter just punched that Mr. Tillman in the face. Shit, that guy has a mean right hook.
- Keith

Narrator:
June 30, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
Dammit!

Narrator:
July 1, 1850
Sore feet today, but I'll manage. Saw Scotts Bluff.

Entry:
Damn my feet hurt, it must be cuz I failed at huntin' yesterday. Gonna rest a bit.
- Walter

Narrator:
July 2, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Robidoux Pass Trading Post. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.

Entry:
Dammit! Girlie Girl must've scared off the critters!

Narrator:
July 3, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
Sonovabitch! I want me some squirrel meet!

Narrator:
July 5, 1850
Discovered that Grampa has dysentery. Seems best if we continue as usual.

Entry:
I dun don't know what dysentery is, I say he dun reckon made it up. That dumb bastard, I punched him good, maybe he'll stop thinkin' dumb.
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
July 6, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
Oh no! No no no No no! I dun have it in me no more! I say it's Kain's spirit cursin me! I dun knew he was a sorceror, I nev' shoulda' betrayed him. Oh lord no!
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
July 7, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.

Entry:
Man...I really suck at hunting. Keith gave me some advice, I'll see how it goes tomorrow. I reckon his idea will endanger any species along this trail! Woo I can't wait!
- Walter Graves

Narrator:
July 8, 1850
Walter was accidentally shot.
Walter Graves died.

Entry:
Jesus...Last night I told him he should try aiming the gun at himself, it'd get him more food. It was just a joke...
- Keith