Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Kain: 30
Keith: 25
Girlie Girl: 5
Wifey: 15
Grampy: 65
Narrator:
April 30, 1850
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
Howdy yall! Walter Graves here, I reckon that I dun gonna live out my childhood dream and take on the great Oregon Trail, nah really, aint as much a dream as it is an escape from this pitfall of dump town Independence. Lemme tell ya somethin'bout Independence: The people here is dumber than a sack of tomatoes, aint no one question that I'm a banker, that's why I'm rich bitch! And the whole town smells like shit, cuz dun everyone just poop in the street! I'm standing in human shit right now! Anyway, I'm gonna make it to Oregon, cuz I reckon they got better lookin' hookers, or so I'm told...Sounds like a nice trip for my family too!
- Walter Graves
Why did my Walter take a dump on Main Street and jump in it?
- Wifey
Walter said he's goin to the Tit Capital of the world. I'm fuckin THERE!
- Kain Vinosec
I heard why he stepped in his shit, what the hell was he thinking? Guy is right though, this town is a fucking dump.
- Keith
Daddy says I'm gonna run the family business in Oregon!
- Girlie Girl
I reckon I too old t' travel from home, but my boy said I had no choice while aimin his gun at me...
- Grampy
Narrator:
May 1, 1850
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 90 boxes of 20 bullets, 95 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 85 10-lb. sacks of shot, 13 pistols, 6 rifles, 6 shotguns.
Purchased 2 mules, 20 oxen.
Purchased 25 boxes of 20 bullets, 9 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
As expected, we made it to Blue River today.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
The trail brought us to Westport today.
Entry:
I reckon I stock up on enough guns and ammo to kill our way to Oregon. This is war!
- Walter Graves
I got Kain and Keith their own wagons too! I reckon' they each wanted things, but I dun spent all my money on this here ammunition. I mean, I reckon I wanted a hat, but I had to sacrifice that for another rifle!
- Walter Graves
That fucker punched me for trying to buy candy! I was going to kick him in the balls, but then I saw all the guns and ammo he had in his wagon.. Fuck I'm not going near that wagon.
- Kain Vinosec
Walter just told me if one bullet one missing from his wagon, he'd beat me...
- Wifey
I took a bullet for good luck, just like the good ol' days!
- Grampy
Narrator:
May 2, 1850
Passed New Santa Fe today.
Entry:
Today we reached some shit'n'grin place, I say I was gonna stop by and check the place out, but I was countin' my bullets and realized I was one short. So I dun beat my wife while we passed by that New Santa Fe. Ever'one's depressed, I reckon, they aren't the ones who gonna feed us! I am. I'm the only one here who dun qualified for huntin'
- Walter Graves
I really had to piss man...
- Kain Vinosec
Kain just peed his pants! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Girlie Girl was laughin' at him, so I ordered her to go clean him off.
- Walter Graves
Kain and Girlie Girl have been gone for like 3 hours. Where the hell did they go?
- Keith
Narrator:
May 3, 1850
We laid by today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, I'm gonna piss myself more often!
- Kain Vinosec
There were a lot of weird noises coming from Kain's wagon last night, I reckon he might be worshipping that there witchcraft...I'll be nicer to 'im... I'm scared of ghosts man...
- Walter Graves
Somethin' sure spooked Walter, he's whiter than bitches tit and shakin' like he got them rickets disease! He's totin' that shotgun mighty close too... I'll try talkin' to him.
- Keith
Wow! Walter just gave me a rifle. I feel honored, he's never given anyone anything. EVER. Did he want me to bang his daughter?
- Kain
I dun gaved Kain one of my huntin' rifles. I reckon' if he's a sorceror, we're goin' need his supernatural powers to gather us more food.
- Walter Graves
I knew Walter would come around, he didn't even give me the ring he bought me fo' our weddin'! All he said was "I aint trust a woman with nothin' valiable." Then threatened me with a knife durin' the ceremony while telling the priest; "She does..."
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 5, 1850
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 105 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I dun knew Kain was a sorceror! He dun bagged more dead animals than I have so far! Oh lord bless that man!
- Walter Graves
Why did Walter just give me that gay look?
- Kain
Narrator:
May 6, 1850
The fog was awful this morning. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Aint nothin happen today, just another day huggin' my Arms.
- Walter Graves
I just walked in on Walter kissing his rifle...with tongue...I...I'm gonna go barf....
- Kain Vinosec
I haven't said anything in a while. So...What up?
- Keith
Narrator:
May 7, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
That dumb sonovabitch! He failed me! I reckon' he aint no damn sorceror! He be one of them warlock savages that dun decieve you int' believin' in stuff that aint true! I kicked him in the balls when he came back with nothin!
- Walter Graves
Wait. What? Why does Walter think I have supernatural powers? What the FUCK is going on man?
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 9, 1850
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Kansas River.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
I reckon that Kain explained that he dun was no witch, warlock or a damn sorceror. I say he's a lying sack o'shit! I heard them noises he made that night he spent with Girlie Gir.......OH THAT BASTARD!
- Walter Graves
Oh my lord! Walter just dragged Kain out of his wagon at gun point, and kicked the shit out of him! Oh no! I think he killed him!
- Wifey
I warned Kain about fucking Walter's kin. Jesus, Walter said he didn't shoot 'im cuz he'd be wasting resources... I guess that's a plus?
- Keith
I'm gonna get that mother fucker...
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 10, 1850
Today we have traveled 100 miles.
We tipped the wagon and lost 5 boxes of 20 bullets; 5 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; 3 10-lb. sacks of shot; 1 pound of meat and various other items.
Kain was nearly drowned today. We're planning to continue.
Kain has internal injuries. We plan to make patient comfortable.
A very sad day, Kain has died of internal injuries. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
That dumb fuck, Kain! I dun figure we float across and we'd be safe fo' sure, I mean wood float, we float, aint no harm in that I reckon! I got bored midway through and decided t' push Kain off the wagon, for shits and grins, it was all just good fun until he decided he' goin try t' get back on, and damn tipped the wagon over! Dumb fuck got pinned under the water, I could've helped him, we were at the shore of the other side by then, water was no more than a foot deep. But I left his ass there for bein' a dumb fuck, and for touchin my daughter.
- Walter
He just watched his friend die, I gotta get out of here.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 11, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 187 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Today I decided to go huntin' I shot me so many critters! I reckon' I gonna eat it allll my self! Man I got two wagons to myself now too!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 12, 1850
Arrived at Saint Mary’s Mission.
Traveled past Red Vermillion River this afternoon.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Well I reckon Floating got Kain killed, I reckon' I aint ever gonna trust these morons again so fuck you river!
- Walter Graves
Why is Walter flicking off the water?
- Keith
Narrator:
May 13, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 81 pounds of meat.
For a time today we feared we were lost. We were much relieved to find ourselves at an identifiable location, Scott Spring.
Entry:
Today I went huntin' I was dun out there for like 4 hours, and finally shot me a deer good! I dun go back and find everyone gone! Those fuckers abandoned me here! ...I'm gonna get 'em.
- Walter Graves
I finally caught up to the wagon train, yup. Don't ask how I did, I will never tell. I dun choke the shit out of Keith for tryin' to abandon me! He claimed they were waitin' where I left 'em, but I say he dun know nothin'. I proved it cuz he dun later said we was lost, and I knew we wasn't!
- Walter Graves
That mother fucker almost broke my neck! I kicked him in the face, and stomped his ass, he wont touch me ever again.
- Keith
I aint know Keith had fight in'em. Now I remember why I dun give'd him a wagon. I gave him a rifle, cuz I dun reckon' I was wrong about him all along.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 15, 1850
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Alcove Spring. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of Big Blue River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
I caught Girlie Girl talkin' to an abandoned wagon. She was talkin' bout what stories it has, or somethin' so I beat her. I can't tolerate stupidity no more on my voyages. I hope that black eye heals by the time we reach Oregon. I gotta remember to watch my temper from now on. Oh dammit...
- Walter Graves
Lemme tell ya about that Miss Whitney, she's got great tits yo, I think I got me another person fo' my business in Oregon, Woo! I got me a sexy interview to conduct tonight!
- Walter Graves
I warned that lady about Walter's temper... some people are just retarded. I'm caulking the river, that bastards not gonna kill me.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 16, 1850
Misplaced my guidebook at St. Joseph Road Junction today. Luckily we found it before leaving.
Entry:
I dun lost my guidebook this mornin', then I realized Miss Whitney had stole it! I got her back, let's just say a mountain lion got her. That's what I sayin'.
Narrator:
May 20, 1850
Keith came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My friend Keith dun got sick, he'll walk it off.
Narrator:
May 21, 1850
Mr. Lumare figured we would reach The Narrows today, and he was right.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
That Mr. Lumare thinks he's so smart. I knew we was reachin the Narrows. It' right fuckin' there on the fuckin' map! Some people just need to eat shit. I'm goin huntin!
- Walter Graves
Damn gun jammed!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 22, 1850
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to continue over the obstruction.
Entry:
Damn I was hopin the boulders would crush Keith's wagon, shit! No particular reason, I'm just bored.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 24, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 185 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Woo! I shot me a deer in the face! Finally.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 26, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 150 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I reckon' huntin' the best experience a man can enjoy. I dun shot me a bear too, but I left it rottin' in the sun.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 27, 1850
Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near “The Coast of Nebraska”; had a very nice chat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
I banged his wife.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 28, 1850
As expected, we made it to Fort Kearny today.
Entry:
Those people are retarded. Let's ne'er go here again!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 30, 1850
Girlie Girl has a bad cold. We're going to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 177 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I say I aint never been sick 'afore, so I dun see why they all complainin'. I tol' Girlie Girl if she dun get better she goin' to ruin my future family business!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 31, 1850
Reached Plum Creek about noon--about time!
Entry:
About fuckin time!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 1, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 5 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck.
Narrator:
June 2, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Just, Fuck!
Narrator:
June 3, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 162 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn yeah! Finally!
Narrator:
June 5, 1850
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 186 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Woo! That dirt dun kicked up some rabbit nests I shot me like 300 rabbits! Woo!
Narrator:
June 8, 1850
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near O’Fallon’s Bluffs.
Entry:
I dun know why, but Girlie Girl has been cryin ever since I dun told my stories...
- Walter Graves
That sick fuck was talking about a monster creeping out of the woods, and as his punchline he threw a bloody rabbit corpse at Girlie Girl, hitting her in the face. That poor girl...
- Keith
Narrator:
June 9, 1850
We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 147 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Just another day, more animals dead, more dust, mo' complainin. Girlie Girl's still cryin. I dun know why, I thought it was funny, shit hell, it still makes me laugh, so I dun throwed anotha' dead rabbit at her while she was sleepin. That'll do'er good.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 14, 1850
Grampy has a bad cold. We're going to rest here awhile.
Entry:
I say good, serves him right for complainin'.
- Walter Graves
He just slapped his old man, for no reason...
- Keith
Narrator:
June 15, 1850
Went gathering. We found edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Dandelion leaves and roots and edible Blackberries.
Entry:
I reckon' some good poison'll do Grampy good!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 16, 1850
Grampy has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 169 pounds of meat.
I just got bitten by a wild animal. We're going to clean and dress the wound.
Arrived at South Platte River today.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Got 'em! I kicked him good while he was down too!
- Walter Graves
Oh shit! He let the horses go while beating Grampy and oh shit The river looks deep!
- Keith
Narrator:
June 17, 1850
Wifey came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Lamb's Quarters leaves, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Groundplum pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Groundplum pods.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Wifey got sick, I tol'er it's probably cuz o'what happened earlier. But I dun care, I went and picked berries.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 18, 1850
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Woo! 500 miles and I've killed like 400 thousand critters! This is the best trip I ever dun gone on!
- Walter Graves
Wow, we really made it this far? Kain would be proud
- Keith
Narrator:
June 19, 1850
Confounded mosquitoes! There's no end to them! We'll continue.
In good spirits today; got as far as Ash Hollow.
Entry:
I'm itchin' like a mothe' fucker. Dammit I gotta go.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 20, 1850
Grampa came down with cholera. We've got to continue as usual.
We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.
Found ourselves at Ash Hollow this day. Got a nasty splinter in my thumb, but extracted it without too much difficulty.
Entry:
Good. That'll learn 'em for not bein smart.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 22, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Dammit!
Narrator:
June 26, 1850
Girlie Girl has a bad cold. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
No! I tol' her not to get sick 'gain! I can't afford to lose my home business!
Narrator:
June 27, 1850
Encamped a while near Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 130 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Woot Damn! I shot me a bunch of racoons and a fox! That shit was fun.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 29, 1850
Arrived at Chimney Rock, despite some “help” from Nicholas J. Tillman.
Went gathering. We found edible Cattail roots, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!), edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Blackberries.
Entry:
That Mr. Tillman is a DEAD MAN. He tried to tell me I had a fine daughter and a beautiful wife. I dun punched him good. My business aint start til we reach Oregon dammit.
- Walter Graves
Walter just punched that Mr. Tillman in the face. Shit, that guy has a mean right hook.
- Keith
Narrator:
June 30, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Dammit!
Narrator:
July 1, 1850
Sore feet today, but I'll manage. Saw Scotts Bluff.
Entry:
Damn my feet hurt, it must be cuz I failed at huntin' yesterday. Gonna rest a bit.
- Walter
Narrator:
July 2, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Robidoux Pass Trading Post. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
Dammit! Girlie Girl must've scared off the critters!
Narrator:
July 3, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Sonovabitch! I want me some squirrel meet!
Narrator:
July 5, 1850
Discovered that Grampa has dysentery. Seems best if we continue as usual.
Entry:
I dun don't know what dysentery is, I say he dun reckon made it up. That dumb bastard, I punched him good, maybe he'll stop thinkin' dumb.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 6, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Oh no! No no no No no! I dun have it in me no more! I say it's Kain's spirit cursin me! I dun knew he was a sorceror, I nev' shoulda' betrayed him. Oh lord no!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 7, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Man...I really suck at hunting. Keith gave me some advice, I'll see how it goes tomorrow. I reckon his idea will endanger any species along this trail! Woo I can't wait!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 8, 1850
Walter was accidentally shot.
Walter Graves died.
Entry:
Jesus...Last night I told him he should try aiming the gun at himself, it'd get him more food. It was just a joke...
- Keith
Saturday, July 3, 2010
There's Boobs in Here written by Kain Ethos Vinosec
Cast:
This is the story of Boobs McGillis and his travels with Zeke (Age: 30), Space Pope (25), Dickle (18), Ho Bag (10), and Faggity (65).
Narrator:
July 31, 1840
Here begins the journal of Boobs McGillis, formerly a journalist. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Willamette Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Narrator:
August 1, 1840
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
We will have to eat less each day.
Traded 1 dollar for 30 pounds of bacon.
Traded 7 dollars for 1 spare wagon axle.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 set of cooking utensils.
Traded 30 pounds of bacon for 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Traded 1 spare wagon axle for 60 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 harmonica.
Traded 9 dollars for 4 blankets.
Traded 71 dollars for 1 grandfather clock.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 4-oz. bottles of ipecac.
Traded 5 dollars for 2 pairs of long underwear.
Traded 3 dollars for 3 pairs of shoes.
Traded 151 dollars for 4 mules.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 ax.
Traded 28 dollars for 8 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 16-oz. bottles of ammonia.
Traded 114 dollars for 1 shotgun.
Traded 24 dollars for 7 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 7 dollars for 30 pounds of meat.
Traded 8 dollars for 4 chickens.
Traded 18 dollars for 1 pistol.
Traded 188 dollars for 16 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
Traded 127 dollars for 1 rifle.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 dress.
Traded 27 dollars for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Traded 1 spare wagon wheel for 1 guitar.
Traded 1 grandfather clock for 1 mule.
Traded 2 mules for 5 oxen.
Came to Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Westport.
Saw some Indians in the distance not far from New Santa Fe. No incident, but some concern.
Entry:
Four days until my birthday. This should be some good travelin'. Those hookers over in the west sure do sound like fun. I'm bringin' a few people along so that if I run out of food I can go cannibal on their ass. Oh, and my ten year old daughter for the boys to fight over. Hell, its a long trip. I might hafta disown her and have a go myself!
Narrator:
August 2, 1840
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Camped today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, this trip is gonna be fuckin' pimp. I'm gonna be fuckin' captain. That means I'm in charge bitches! You hear that out there? I'M THE MAN!
Narrator:
August 3, 1840
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
Not much goin' on today it seems. Two days until my birthday. We gonna have a big blow out.
Narrator:
August 4, 1840
A sudden thunderstorm caught us on the trail. I decided it is best to continue as usual.
Entry:
Alittle rain never hurt anyone. The lightning was pretty. We shoved a metal pole up our chicken's ass to see if he'd get shocked. To our disappointment, he just bled alittle. It was sexy though.
Narrator:
August 5, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to slow down.
Entry:
Go Boobs, its your birthday. Fuckin' awesome. Its hot, but damn we got plastered and shit. It was great. Zeke had his way with my daughter Ho Bag. That kinda pissed me off... And, one of the mother fuckers in the third wagon didn't get me a present. We'll see what he says when we cross the next river... Dumb son of a bitch.
Narrator:
August 6, 1840
Reached another prominent landmark today: Kansas River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Travelin' today is goin' well. My daughter looks good in that dress... Fuck, I gotta stop thinkin' like that. This isn't England.
Narrator:
August 7, 1840
We swamped the wagon in the river and lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 5 pounds of bacon; 2 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 chicken; 3 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; and various other items.
Entry:
Damnit... We lost the chicken. And a bottle of my brandy. I was pissed. I shanked that guy that didn't get me a present. He regretted it. I found out later, he had gotten me the chicken we lost and wasn't gonna tell me until we were alone. That fag. I'm glad I stabbed him.
Narrator:
August 8, 1840
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Fuckin' woot.
Narrator:
August 9, 1840
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Red Vermillion River. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Oh we forded that mother fucker. It was awesome. I tripped Ho Bag. She hit her head on a rock. It was great. Then Zeke raped her. That kinda ruined the mood, but it was fun to watch anyway
Narrator:
August 10, 1840
Saw a mountain lion not far from Scott Spring.
Entry:
Damn lion... Makes me wanna have sex with something. Cats are naturally sexified.
I'm startin' to notice, ten days on the road now, that we have a shit load of mexicans traveling with us. Maybe that lion will come visit?
Narrator:
August 12, 1840
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Alcove Spring.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Saw Big Blue River, sight is most reassuring.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Some people been complainin' about those ten-hour days. I think I'll work 'em a bit harder to keep up morale.
Narrator:
August 13, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 2 pounds of bacon; 1 4-oz. bottle of ipecac; 1 pair of shoes; 1 ax; and various other items.
jWe suffered a terrible loss. Faggity drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
Wow. Just when I think I'm not workin' 'em enough, they let the damn wagon tip over in five ft. deep water? Those fucking pansies. Oh, they're gonna pay. And Faggity died. That dumb shit. He was fuckin' six foot tall. And he drown in five foot deep water? Hell, we knew he was drownin'. We just watched. Figured if he was stupid enough to not stand up, he deserved death. We left his carcass in the river. The fish will thank us someday.
Narrator:
August 15, 1840
It's mighty hot today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
August 16, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to continue as usual.
The morale in our wagon party is low. We are hoping to continue.
Entry:
Those mother fuckers are driving me nuts. Complainin' and shit... Wahh, its hot. Lets rest.. Fuck them. They should've enjoyed the river some more. Like Faggity. Damn.
Narrator:
August 17, 1840
Ho Bag came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Another step on the trail; today we reached The Narrows.
Entry:
Continue is damn right. If she's sick, I ain't tappin' that ass. Zeke hit it though... I tried to warn him, but he was already poundin' away. She sneezed on his junk. It was pretty gross.
Narrator:
August 19, 1840
Ho Bag has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
I threw some water at the bitch. Figured it'd wake her up. Zeke's still lookin' at her kinda funny... I hope he ain't plannin' to run off with her.
Narrator:
August 20, 1840
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of "The Coast of Nebraska".
Entry:
It looked like balls. Wet ones.
Narrator:
August 22, 1840
We lost a chicken today.
Entry:
Zeke had sex with it. I don't know why... I guess because he's startin' to show signs of gettin' sick too. But, he ain't sayin' nothing yet. He's a strong one.
Narrator:
September 3, 1840
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 191 pounds of meat.
Traded 1 dress for 1 thermometer.
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia.
Traded 8 pounds of meat for 1 12-oz. bottle of magnesia.
Entry:
Yeah, everyone was pretty tired, we were out of food. So, we had a fourteen day rest and I shot some shit. It was good times.
Had ta trade Ho Bag's only dress for a thermometer. She's runnin' around naked. Its pissin' Zeke off. After we found out she's really sick, I had to give up some bullets and my man meat for some curative shit. I dunno if I got the right stuff, but damnit she better like it.
Narrator:
September 4, 1840
We will travel eight hours/day from now on.
We will have heartier meals.
Entry:
Figured I'd get those assfucks to shut up. Zeke seemed happy, but Ho Bag ain't lookin' so good. I'm gonna go touch her in some fun places. See if it makes her feel better.
Nope.
Narrator:
September 6, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Pear pads, edible Salsify roots, edible Black Mustard greens and edible Currants.
Entry:
Forced Ho Bag to cook for us. She did pretty good for someone that kept throwin' up. Maybe I shouldn't have worked her so hard...
Narrator:
September 7, 1840
We suffered a terrible loss. Ho Bag died. We plan to continue immediately.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Zeke was pissed. He got everyone to rebel again' me. I'm just kinda... taggin' along now. We went to bury the body and we couldn't find it... I think Zeke took her, but I'm not sure. He's a sick man... Dickle has been workin' pretty hard lately. If I were still captain, I'd hook him up with some slut. But, alas...
Narrator:
September 11, 1840
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Plum Creek. If I were superstitious, I'd call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Heh. Those buzzards looked funny. I think they're following us 'cause of Zeke. I'll look into it.
Narrator:
September 15, 1840
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to continue as usual.
Entry:
New captain is as cold as I was. No food, no water, walkin' all damn day. It sucks. Is this how I was treatin' people? Man, I deserve to've been excommunicated from the church.
Narrator:
September 21, 1840
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker. He's goin' the same way Ho Bag did. And I know why... He's still doin' her! I saw that wagon rockin' last night and I knew what was goin' on. I just didn't wanna admit it. Shit. What a way to go.
Narrator:
September 22, 1840
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 water keg.
Entry:
Space Pope was bitchin' about not having any food. I slapped him and said that the captain knows what's best. He shut up, and I killed a mule and fed him its penis. He liked it. Said it tasted like bratwurst.
Narrator:
September 23, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
Entry:
Typhus? The fuck is that? No one here knew how to treat it, so we threw a bucket of water on him and kept goin'. He doesn't look so good.
Narrator:
September 24, 1840
Nooned near O'Fallon's Bluffs.
Narrator:
September 25, 1840
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Those motherfuckers came crawlin' back. I'm gonna be alittle nicer. They only accepted me because I found the rotting corpse of Ho Bag in Zeke's wagon. Man, that guy... I swear. Apparently, Dickle had alittle of her too. I dunno who got sloppy seconds, but Dickle still looks pretty fucked up. I hope they both die.
Narrator:
September 26, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
I threw another bucket of water on him, and they kicked me out again. What the fuck? These guys don't know what the hell they're doin'. I'm thinkin' about running off to live with the Indians. They's got hot bitches.
Narrator:
September 28, 1840
A very sad day, Dickle has died. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Poor Dickle. Apparently, he had eaten out Ho Bag, pre-death. He told us right before he was going to die, but I shot that mother fucker first. Damnit. Ho Bag was supposed to be mine. I didn't even get laid. Fuck.
Narrator:
September 29, 1840
Space Pope has scarlet fever, and we're planning to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
Now my buddy Space Pope is falling ill. He's got something else though. I think it came from those engines we raped a few miles back... Maybe those bushes we buried them under were poisonous after all... I'll try to help him out as best I can.
Narrator:
October 5, 1840
Just learned that one of the oxen was injured. We're going to continue as usual.
Made an early start this morning; passed South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
It looked like a good idea at the time.
Narrator:
October 6, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 9 pounds of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 192 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Clearly I was wrong.
Narrator:
October 7, 1840
Entry:
Space Pope is feeling alittle better today. I think he's gonna make it. Zeke on the other hand... I beat the fuck out of him after I got drunk. He cried like a bitch, so I hit him some more and forced him to eat some mule shit. He liked it. Ate some more, threw up, and now he's throwin' it at some of the kids that ain't died yet. Zeke's fucked in the head man.
We gonna climb this hill tomorrow.
Narrator:
October 8, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 set of cooking utensils; 1 blanket; 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 16 pounds of meat and various other items.
Entry:
Fuck. If at first you don't succeed...
Narrator:
October 9, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 3 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck. Just, fuck.
Narrator:
October 10, 1840
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
And boy are my arms tired... You guys will understand that in a few hundred years.
Narrator:
October 11, 1840
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Ash Hollow; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots and edible Plantain leaves.
Entry:
The skull reminded me of Ho Bag. I fucked the eye sockets out of desperation when no one was looking. Decided to leave it there... My lost love.
Need to find some shit for these bitches to eat.
Narrator:
October 13, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Currants and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Black Mustard greens.
Traded 1 mule for 1 shotgun.
Entry:
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 213 pounds of meat.
Found some shit. Eat up fuckers.
Narrator:
October 15, 1840
Our path was blocked by a prairie fire, and we decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
DAMNIT ZEKE! I told you not to play with that fucking fire you ass. Zeke got alittle burned, but he didn't slow us down. We just ran through it. Afterwards, I beat the fuck out of him for starting the fire in the first place. That dumb cunt.
Narrator:
October 26, 1840
Space Pope has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Blackberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Traded 27 pounds of meat for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 gallon jug of whiskey.
Traded 1 pistol for 4 pounds of fresh fruit.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 171 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn. Space Pope gettin' sick again. I'm startin' to worry about him. But, I can't be takin' time to help him out right now. Gotta keep goin'. Only 1500 miles to go!
Traded my suicide pistol in for some fuckin' fruit. Space Pope did that. I think he was wantin' to kill himself, but didn't wanna give in to the pain. I beat him pretty good when I found out.
Got some more food stuffs too. Hopefully that'll shut those kids up. Damn they just keep bitchin'. The trio of doom has this shit under control. S.P., Zeke and Boobs 4eva
Narrator:
October 30, 1840
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Chimney Rock.
Narrator:
November 2, 1840
The fog is as thick as pea soup. I reckon we'll continue as usual.
Traveled past Scotts Bluff this afternoon.
Narrator:
November 3, 1840
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 box of 20 bullets.
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to approach them.
We talked to them.
We were distressed to learn that a thief stole 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 17 pounds of meat. We're going to search for the thief.
We did not find the thief or our supplies.
Encamped a while near Robidoux Pass.
Entry:
That fuckin' mexican bitch lied to me! She stole my shit. Didn't find the thief, but Zeke did have sex with her while we were in negotiations earlier. He's got some kind of virus or something I think, so it'll fuck her up good. Way to shoot your load Zeke!
Narrator:
November 4, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 5, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 6, 1840
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 harmonica for 11 pounds of fresh vegetables.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
We talked to them.
Entry:
Found an engine today. She was bitchin' about some people killin' buffalo. I gave her my harmonica for some veggies. Then I shoved a carrot up her... Hey, we're moving again.
Narrator:
November 7, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 8, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 9, 1840
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn dust. 100 days on the road. Three dead, and everyone hates me. I'm doin' good if I say so myself.
Narrator:
November 10, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 12, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
Damn high price if you ask me. Fuckin' rip off. Fuck this trip is startin' to piss me off.
Narrator:
November 13, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Zeke has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke got sick. Must've been that damn engine. Fucked him over good. His own fault probably. We're gonna just ignore him and hope the problem resolves itself.
Narrator:
November 14, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Entry:
Eternal might've been a harsh word, but damn. Where is this shit comin' from? Faggity might have something to say about eatin' dust... Get it? He's dead. We didn't bury him. HA HA HA! I own you.
Narrator:
November 18, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blackberries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Narrator:
November 19, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Salsify roots and poisonous Locoweed pods.
Narrator:
November 20, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
I told Zeke not to eat those berries, but he was like... "Screw you. You're not the boss of me." Then Space Pope smarted off and said "No, but his daughter sure had you pussy whipped."
I beat the Space Pope senseless. Then I jammed a stick in Zeke's ear while he was asleep. He twitched. It made me feel better.
Narrator:
November 22, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck its been cold lately. Good thing I got some blankets.
Narrator:
November 23, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 183 pounds of meat.
A dangerous beast attacked our party. I was mauled by the animal. I suppose we'll clean and dress the wound.
Entry:
OH FUCK! That shit hurt. I was shootin' some bear and shit in the snow, and a fuckin' lion just jumped out at me. The weird thing, is that Space Pope was riding the mother fucker. I don't know what him and Zeke were doing with a lion in the bushes, but it was fuckin' pissed. God this hurts.
Narrator:
November 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Its still fuckin' cold. Damnit. Why'd we wait and leave in August? That's just fucked up. We could've left sooner, but Ho Bag had ta be a ho bag and fucked it up for everyone with her whoring job back in Independence. Heh, I remember when she fucked her first black man. She was so proud.
Narrator:
November 25, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 26, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 27, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Burdock roots, poisonous Black Nightshade berries and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Plantain leaves, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Currants and edible Rose hips.
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Rose hips.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 28, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker Zeke went off picking berries again. I don't think he knows what the hell he's doing. I threw a couple of poisonous ones in there just to teach him a lesson. But the fucker vomitted in my tent. Damn I was pissed.
Narrator:
December 6, 1840
I have an infection, and we're hoping to apply antiseptic to wound.
Entry:
Damnit. My wound got infected from the cold. Poured some antiseptic in it, burnt like a mother fucker. Man... I want some pussy before I die.
Narrator:
December 8, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The animals are exhausted and can't continue. I've decided to double-team the animals.
One of the oxen was injured. It looks like we'll have to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuckin' animals are just givin' out left and right. I got mauled by a FUCKING LION and I'm still goin'. Shit.
Narrator:
December 10, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 11, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 12, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 13, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 14, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 15, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 20, 1840
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to rest here awhile.
Entry:
Its been so cold... So fucking cold. But, we keep going. The exercise gives us warmth. Atleast thats what the elves tell me. I think I'm starting to go insane. We took a rest. My wound bled into the mouth of a young boy. It was the sexiest thing I ever saw.
Narrator:
December 21, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
We've only got 1 ox left, but we needed the wheel. WE NEEDED IT!
Narrator:
December 22, 1840
One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Told you.
Narrator:
December 23, 1840
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 215 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I feel happy. Its warming up, we've got plenty of food. I'm captain again. There's a cute girl in one of the other wagons that keeps smiling at me. I think I'm gonna give her my seed. I killed some stuff... I'll admit, I've been kinda scared to do it since the lion incident, but ya gotta get back on the horse. Or shoot it. Whatever.
Narrator:
December 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Traded 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit.
Traded 1 blanket for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Entry:
What the hell happened? The meadows froze over instantly. I'm not captain anymore. I got some fruit and vegetables but I don't know why... I don't know why... And that girl I was checkin' out, turns out to be Zeke. What the fuck is happening? Is this wound really that bad?
Narrator:
December 25, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fucking cold... fucking...
Narrator:
December 26, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Traded 6 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Narrator:
December 27, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Narrator:
December 28, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 29, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 30, 1840
Zeke has been suffering from frostbite. We hope to rub affected area with snow.
Entry:
I think the cold helps the frostbite. Everyone else thought I was stupid... We'll show them. Won't we hunny bunny? Oh, let me introduce you to my sister, slutmagic. We've been fucking like rabbits. She's having my baby in a month. We just started having sex yesterday... This new world is amazing.
Narrator:
December 31, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We suffered a terrible loss. Space Pope froze to death. We plan to provide a proper burial.
Entry:
I cried today. I molested a dead man's ass too. And my tears froze. And my jizz froze. And my sister disappeared with our baby. Space Pope, you will be missed... God, I don't know how much longer I can hold out... But I'm doin' who I can. I mean, what I can. Well, both. Whatever. Goodbye to you Space Pope, you were always there for the reach-around.
Narrator:
January 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're goi
Entry:ng to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke's gettin' sick again. I think its just him missin' Pope. But, Zeke's always healed himself before. This should be no different.
Narrator:
January 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 4, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 5, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 6, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 8, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 9, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 10, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Its cold.
This is, Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission; to seek out new life and new civilizations. To 'Boldly Go'. A place no man has gone before. My anus.
I'm having visions of the future. They're sexy. Black women in short skirts. I'm all about that. Uhura you whore!
Narrator:
January 11, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 12, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 13, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 14, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 15, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Fuckin', why do they tease me?! I keep expecting to wake up back in Independence and this all have been a bad acid trip.
Fucked our last oxen earlier today. Zeke watched. Me and him's alone now... Don't know how we're gonna make it through.
Narrator:
January 16, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 17, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck Zeke... Don't you leave me too. Everyone leaves me. My rubber duck. My sister. Uhura... What the fuck man? I wish Space Pope were here. He'd fix you right good.
Narrator:
January 18, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 19, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 20, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 21, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 22, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 23, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 24, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 25, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Zeke started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Drink it Zeke. DRINK IT DAMNIT.
Narrator:
February 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 4, 1841
Zeke has been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to go look for edible plants.
Entry:
I'm not a hobbit. I can't find no damn plants.
Narrator:
February 5, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 6, 1841
We suffered a terrible loss. Zeke has died. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
ZEKE! Damnit... What have I done? This is all my fault... Its ALL MY FAULT! FUCKIN' BOOBIES!
Narrator:
February 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My last moments will always be remembered... I'm freezing... My tears are like shards of ice on cold skin. A mouth covers my penis with sucking motions... Who's doing that? Damnit Jeb, get the fuck out of here. I'm dying you ass.
This is the end for me. I ran everyone I cared about into death. I hope that someday, they can forgive me while I rot in hell for what I've done.
Ah fuck it. God ain't forgiving me. I did it. I loved it. Jeb get back in here and get to work! Goodnight cruel world... Boobs McGillis lea~
Narrator:
February 8, 1841
Boobs McGillis died.
This is the story of Boobs McGillis and his travels with Zeke (Age: 30), Space Pope (25), Dickle (18), Ho Bag (10), and Faggity (65).
Narrator:
July 31, 1840
Here begins the journal of Boobs McGillis, formerly a journalist. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Willamette Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Narrator:
August 1, 1840
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
We will have to eat less each day.
Traded 1 dollar for 30 pounds of bacon.
Traded 7 dollars for 1 spare wagon axle.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 set of cooking utensils.
Traded 30 pounds of bacon for 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Traded 1 spare wagon axle for 60 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 harmonica.
Traded 9 dollars for 4 blankets.
Traded 71 dollars for 1 grandfather clock.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 4-oz. bottles of ipecac.
Traded 5 dollars for 2 pairs of long underwear.
Traded 3 dollars for 3 pairs of shoes.
Traded 151 dollars for 4 mules.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 ax.
Traded 28 dollars for 8 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 16-oz. bottles of ammonia.
Traded 114 dollars for 1 shotgun.
Traded 24 dollars for 7 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 7 dollars for 30 pounds of meat.
Traded 8 dollars for 4 chickens.
Traded 18 dollars for 1 pistol.
Traded 188 dollars for 16 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
Traded 127 dollars for 1 rifle.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 dress.
Traded 27 dollars for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Traded 1 spare wagon wheel for 1 guitar.
Traded 1 grandfather clock for 1 mule.
Traded 2 mules for 5 oxen.
Came to Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Westport.
Saw some Indians in the distance not far from New Santa Fe. No incident, but some concern.
Entry:
Four days until my birthday. This should be some good travelin'. Those hookers over in the west sure do sound like fun. I'm bringin' a few people along so that if I run out of food I can go cannibal on their ass. Oh, and my ten year old daughter for the boys to fight over. Hell, its a long trip. I might hafta disown her and have a go myself!
Narrator:
August 2, 1840
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Camped today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, this trip is gonna be fuckin' pimp. I'm gonna be fuckin' captain. That means I'm in charge bitches! You hear that out there? I'M THE MAN!
Narrator:
August 3, 1840
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
Not much goin' on today it seems. Two days until my birthday. We gonna have a big blow out.
Narrator:
August 4, 1840
A sudden thunderstorm caught us on the trail. I decided it is best to continue as usual.
Entry:
Alittle rain never hurt anyone. The lightning was pretty. We shoved a metal pole up our chicken's ass to see if he'd get shocked. To our disappointment, he just bled alittle. It was sexy though.
Narrator:
August 5, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to slow down.
Entry:
Go Boobs, its your birthday. Fuckin' awesome. Its hot, but damn we got plastered and shit. It was great. Zeke had his way with my daughter Ho Bag. That kinda pissed me off... And, one of the mother fuckers in the third wagon didn't get me a present. We'll see what he says when we cross the next river... Dumb son of a bitch.
Narrator:
August 6, 1840
Reached another prominent landmark today: Kansas River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Travelin' today is goin' well. My daughter looks good in that dress... Fuck, I gotta stop thinkin' like that. This isn't England.
Narrator:
August 7, 1840
We swamped the wagon in the river and lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 5 pounds of bacon; 2 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 chicken; 3 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; and various other items.
Entry:
Damnit... We lost the chicken. And a bottle of my brandy. I was pissed. I shanked that guy that didn't get me a present. He regretted it. I found out later, he had gotten me the chicken we lost and wasn't gonna tell me until we were alone. That fag. I'm glad I stabbed him.
Narrator:
August 8, 1840
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Fuckin' woot.
Narrator:
August 9, 1840
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Red Vermillion River. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Oh we forded that mother fucker. It was awesome. I tripped Ho Bag. She hit her head on a rock. It was great. Then Zeke raped her. That kinda ruined the mood, but it was fun to watch anyway
Narrator:
August 10, 1840
Saw a mountain lion not far from Scott Spring.
Entry:
Damn lion... Makes me wanna have sex with something. Cats are naturally sexified.
I'm startin' to notice, ten days on the road now, that we have a shit load of mexicans traveling with us. Maybe that lion will come visit?
Narrator:
August 12, 1840
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Alcove Spring.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Saw Big Blue River, sight is most reassuring.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Some people been complainin' about those ten-hour days. I think I'll work 'em a bit harder to keep up morale.
Narrator:
August 13, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 2 pounds of bacon; 1 4-oz. bottle of ipecac; 1 pair of shoes; 1 ax; and various other items.
jWe suffered a terrible loss. Faggity drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
Wow. Just when I think I'm not workin' 'em enough, they let the damn wagon tip over in five ft. deep water? Those fucking pansies. Oh, they're gonna pay. And Faggity died. That dumb shit. He was fuckin' six foot tall. And he drown in five foot deep water? Hell, we knew he was drownin'. We just watched. Figured if he was stupid enough to not stand up, he deserved death. We left his carcass in the river. The fish will thank us someday.
Narrator:
August 15, 1840
It's mighty hot today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
August 16, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to continue as usual.
The morale in our wagon party is low. We are hoping to continue.
Entry:
Those mother fuckers are driving me nuts. Complainin' and shit... Wahh, its hot. Lets rest.. Fuck them. They should've enjoyed the river some more. Like Faggity. Damn.
Narrator:
August 17, 1840
Ho Bag came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Another step on the trail; today we reached The Narrows.
Entry:
Continue is damn right. If she's sick, I ain't tappin' that ass. Zeke hit it though... I tried to warn him, but he was already poundin' away. She sneezed on his junk. It was pretty gross.
Narrator:
August 19, 1840
Ho Bag has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
I threw some water at the bitch. Figured it'd wake her up. Zeke's still lookin' at her kinda funny... I hope he ain't plannin' to run off with her.
Narrator:
August 20, 1840
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of "The Coast of Nebraska".
Entry:
It looked like balls. Wet ones.
Narrator:
August 22, 1840
We lost a chicken today.
Entry:
Zeke had sex with it. I don't know why... I guess because he's startin' to show signs of gettin' sick too. But, he ain't sayin' nothing yet. He's a strong one.
Narrator:
September 3, 1840
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 191 pounds of meat.
Traded 1 dress for 1 thermometer.
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia.
Traded 8 pounds of meat for 1 12-oz. bottle of magnesia.
Entry:
Yeah, everyone was pretty tired, we were out of food. So, we had a fourteen day rest and I shot some shit. It was good times.
Had ta trade Ho Bag's only dress for a thermometer. She's runnin' around naked. Its pissin' Zeke off. After we found out she's really sick, I had to give up some bullets and my man meat for some curative shit. I dunno if I got the right stuff, but damnit she better like it.
Narrator:
September 4, 1840
We will travel eight hours/day from now on.
We will have heartier meals.
Entry:
Figured I'd get those assfucks to shut up. Zeke seemed happy, but Ho Bag ain't lookin' so good. I'm gonna go touch her in some fun places. See if it makes her feel better.
Nope.
Narrator:
September 6, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Pear pads, edible Salsify roots, edible Black Mustard greens and edible Currants.
Entry:
Forced Ho Bag to cook for us. She did pretty good for someone that kept throwin' up. Maybe I shouldn't have worked her so hard...
Narrator:
September 7, 1840
We suffered a terrible loss. Ho Bag died. We plan to continue immediately.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Zeke was pissed. He got everyone to rebel again' me. I'm just kinda... taggin' along now. We went to bury the body and we couldn't find it... I think Zeke took her, but I'm not sure. He's a sick man... Dickle has been workin' pretty hard lately. If I were still captain, I'd hook him up with some slut. But, alas...
Narrator:
September 11, 1840
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Plum Creek. If I were superstitious, I'd call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Heh. Those buzzards looked funny. I think they're following us 'cause of Zeke. I'll look into it.
Narrator:
September 15, 1840
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to continue as usual.
Entry:
New captain is as cold as I was. No food, no water, walkin' all damn day. It sucks. Is this how I was treatin' people? Man, I deserve to've been excommunicated from the church.
Narrator:
September 21, 1840
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker. He's goin' the same way Ho Bag did. And I know why... He's still doin' her! I saw that wagon rockin' last night and I knew what was goin' on. I just didn't wanna admit it. Shit. What a way to go.
Narrator:
September 22, 1840
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 water keg.
Entry:
Space Pope was bitchin' about not having any food. I slapped him and said that the captain knows what's best. He shut up, and I killed a mule and fed him its penis. He liked it. Said it tasted like bratwurst.
Narrator:
September 23, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
Entry:
Typhus? The fuck is that? No one here knew how to treat it, so we threw a bucket of water on him and kept goin'. He doesn't look so good.
Narrator:
September 24, 1840
Nooned near O'Fallon's Bluffs.
Narrator:
September 25, 1840
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Those motherfuckers came crawlin' back. I'm gonna be alittle nicer. They only accepted me because I found the rotting corpse of Ho Bag in Zeke's wagon. Man, that guy... I swear. Apparently, Dickle had alittle of her too. I dunno who got sloppy seconds, but Dickle still looks pretty fucked up. I hope they both die.
Narrator:
September 26, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
I threw another bucket of water on him, and they kicked me out again. What the fuck? These guys don't know what the hell they're doin'. I'm thinkin' about running off to live with the Indians. They's got hot bitches.
Narrator:
September 28, 1840
A very sad day, Dickle has died. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Poor Dickle. Apparently, he had eaten out Ho Bag, pre-death. He told us right before he was going to die, but I shot that mother fucker first. Damnit. Ho Bag was supposed to be mine. I didn't even get laid. Fuck.
Narrator:
September 29, 1840
Space Pope has scarlet fever, and we're planning to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
Now my buddy Space Pope is falling ill. He's got something else though. I think it came from those engines we raped a few miles back... Maybe those bushes we buried them under were poisonous after all... I'll try to help him out as best I can.
Narrator:
October 5, 1840
Just learned that one of the oxen was injured. We're going to continue as usual.
Made an early start this morning; passed South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
It looked like a good idea at the time.
Narrator:
October 6, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 9 pounds of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 192 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Clearly I was wrong.
Narrator:
October 7, 1840
Entry:
Space Pope is feeling alittle better today. I think he's gonna make it. Zeke on the other hand... I beat the fuck out of him after I got drunk. He cried like a bitch, so I hit him some more and forced him to eat some mule shit. He liked it. Ate some more, threw up, and now he's throwin' it at some of the kids that ain't died yet. Zeke's fucked in the head man.
We gonna climb this hill tomorrow.
Narrator:
October 8, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 set of cooking utensils; 1 blanket; 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 16 pounds of meat and various other items.
Entry:
Fuck. If at first you don't succeed...
Narrator:
October 9, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 3 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck. Just, fuck.
Narrator:
October 10, 1840
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
And boy are my arms tired... You guys will understand that in a few hundred years.
Narrator:
October 11, 1840
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Ash Hollow; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots and edible Plantain leaves.
Entry:
The skull reminded me of Ho Bag. I fucked the eye sockets out of desperation when no one was looking. Decided to leave it there... My lost love.
Need to find some shit for these bitches to eat.
Narrator:
October 13, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Currants and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Black Mustard greens.
Traded 1 mule for 1 shotgun.
Entry:
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 213 pounds of meat.
Found some shit. Eat up fuckers.
Narrator:
October 15, 1840
Our path was blocked by a prairie fire, and we decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
DAMNIT ZEKE! I told you not to play with that fucking fire you ass. Zeke got alittle burned, but he didn't slow us down. We just ran through it. Afterwards, I beat the fuck out of him for starting the fire in the first place. That dumb cunt.
Narrator:
October 26, 1840
Space Pope has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Blackberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Traded 27 pounds of meat for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 gallon jug of whiskey.
Traded 1 pistol for 4 pounds of fresh fruit.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 171 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn. Space Pope gettin' sick again. I'm startin' to worry about him. But, I can't be takin' time to help him out right now. Gotta keep goin'. Only 1500 miles to go!
Traded my suicide pistol in for some fuckin' fruit. Space Pope did that. I think he was wantin' to kill himself, but didn't wanna give in to the pain. I beat him pretty good when I found out.
Got some more food stuffs too. Hopefully that'll shut those kids up. Damn they just keep bitchin'. The trio of doom has this shit under control. S.P., Zeke and Boobs 4eva
Narrator:
October 30, 1840
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Chimney Rock.
Narrator:
November 2, 1840
The fog is as thick as pea soup. I reckon we'll continue as usual.
Traveled past Scotts Bluff this afternoon.
Narrator:
November 3, 1840
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 box of 20 bullets.
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to approach them.
We talked to them.
We were distressed to learn that a thief stole 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 17 pounds of meat. We're going to search for the thief.
We did not find the thief or our supplies.
Encamped a while near Robidoux Pass.
Entry:
That fuckin' mexican bitch lied to me! She stole my shit. Didn't find the thief, but Zeke did have sex with her while we were in negotiations earlier. He's got some kind of virus or something I think, so it'll fuck her up good. Way to shoot your load Zeke!
Narrator:
November 4, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 5, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 6, 1840
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 harmonica for 11 pounds of fresh vegetables.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
We talked to them.
Entry:
Found an engine today. She was bitchin' about some people killin' buffalo. I gave her my harmonica for some veggies. Then I shoved a carrot up her... Hey, we're moving again.
Narrator:
November 7, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 8, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 9, 1840
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn dust. 100 days on the road. Three dead, and everyone hates me. I'm doin' good if I say so myself.
Narrator:
November 10, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 12, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
Damn high price if you ask me. Fuckin' rip off. Fuck this trip is startin' to piss me off.
Narrator:
November 13, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Zeke has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke got sick. Must've been that damn engine. Fucked him over good. His own fault probably. We're gonna just ignore him and hope the problem resolves itself.
Narrator:
November 14, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Entry:
Eternal might've been a harsh word, but damn. Where is this shit comin' from? Faggity might have something to say about eatin' dust... Get it? He's dead. We didn't bury him. HA HA HA! I own you.
Narrator:
November 18, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blackberries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Narrator:
November 19, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Salsify roots and poisonous Locoweed pods.
Narrator:
November 20, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
I told Zeke not to eat those berries, but he was like... "Screw you. You're not the boss of me." Then Space Pope smarted off and said "No, but his daughter sure had you pussy whipped."
I beat the Space Pope senseless. Then I jammed a stick in Zeke's ear while he was asleep. He twitched. It made me feel better.
Narrator:
November 22, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck its been cold lately. Good thing I got some blankets.
Narrator:
November 23, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 183 pounds of meat.
A dangerous beast attacked our party. I was mauled by the animal. I suppose we'll clean and dress the wound.
Entry:
OH FUCK! That shit hurt. I was shootin' some bear and shit in the snow, and a fuckin' lion just jumped out at me. The weird thing, is that Space Pope was riding the mother fucker. I don't know what him and Zeke were doing with a lion in the bushes, but it was fuckin' pissed. God this hurts.
Narrator:
November 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Its still fuckin' cold. Damnit. Why'd we wait and leave in August? That's just fucked up. We could've left sooner, but Ho Bag had ta be a ho bag and fucked it up for everyone with her whoring job back in Independence. Heh, I remember when she fucked her first black man. She was so proud.
Narrator:
November 25, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 26, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 27, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Burdock roots, poisonous Black Nightshade berries and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Plantain leaves, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Currants and edible Rose hips.
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Rose hips.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 28, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker Zeke went off picking berries again. I don't think he knows what the hell he's doing. I threw a couple of poisonous ones in there just to teach him a lesson. But the fucker vomitted in my tent. Damn I was pissed.
Narrator:
December 6, 1840
I have an infection, and we're hoping to apply antiseptic to wound.
Entry:
Damnit. My wound got infected from the cold. Poured some antiseptic in it, burnt like a mother fucker. Man... I want some pussy before I die.
Narrator:
December 8, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The animals are exhausted and can't continue. I've decided to double-team the animals.
One of the oxen was injured. It looks like we'll have to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuckin' animals are just givin' out left and right. I got mauled by a FUCKING LION and I'm still goin'. Shit.
Narrator:
December 10, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 11, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 12, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 13, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 14, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 15, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 20, 1840
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to rest here awhile.
Entry:
Its been so cold... So fucking cold. But, we keep going. The exercise gives us warmth. Atleast thats what the elves tell me. I think I'm starting to go insane. We took a rest. My wound bled into the mouth of a young boy. It was the sexiest thing I ever saw.
Narrator:
December 21, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
We've only got 1 ox left, but we needed the wheel. WE NEEDED IT!
Narrator:
December 22, 1840
One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Told you.
Narrator:
December 23, 1840
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 215 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I feel happy. Its warming up, we've got plenty of food. I'm captain again. There's a cute girl in one of the other wagons that keeps smiling at me. I think I'm gonna give her my seed. I killed some stuff... I'll admit, I've been kinda scared to do it since the lion incident, but ya gotta get back on the horse. Or shoot it. Whatever.
Narrator:
December 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Traded 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit.
Traded 1 blanket for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Entry:
What the hell happened? The meadows froze over instantly. I'm not captain anymore. I got some fruit and vegetables but I don't know why... I don't know why... And that girl I was checkin' out, turns out to be Zeke. What the fuck is happening? Is this wound really that bad?
Narrator:
December 25, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fucking cold... fucking...
Narrator:
December 26, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Traded 6 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Narrator:
December 27, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Narrator:
December 28, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 29, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 30, 1840
Zeke has been suffering from frostbite. We hope to rub affected area with snow.
Entry:
I think the cold helps the frostbite. Everyone else thought I was stupid... We'll show them. Won't we hunny bunny? Oh, let me introduce you to my sister, slutmagic. We've been fucking like rabbits. She's having my baby in a month. We just started having sex yesterday... This new world is amazing.
Narrator:
December 31, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We suffered a terrible loss. Space Pope froze to death. We plan to provide a proper burial.
Entry:
I cried today. I molested a dead man's ass too. And my tears froze. And my jizz froze. And my sister disappeared with our baby. Space Pope, you will be missed... God, I don't know how much longer I can hold out... But I'm doin' who I can. I mean, what I can. Well, both. Whatever. Goodbye to you Space Pope, you were always there for the reach-around.
Narrator:
January 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're goi
Entry:ng to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke's gettin' sick again. I think its just him missin' Pope. But, Zeke's always healed himself before. This should be no different.
Narrator:
January 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 4, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 5, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 6, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 8, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 9, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 10, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Its cold.
This is, Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission; to seek out new life and new civilizations. To 'Boldly Go'. A place no man has gone before. My anus.
I'm having visions of the future. They're sexy. Black women in short skirts. I'm all about that. Uhura you whore!
Narrator:
January 11, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 12, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 13, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 14, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 15, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Fuckin', why do they tease me?! I keep expecting to wake up back in Independence and this all have been a bad acid trip.
Fucked our last oxen earlier today. Zeke watched. Me and him's alone now... Don't know how we're gonna make it through.
Narrator:
January 16, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 17, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck Zeke... Don't you leave me too. Everyone leaves me. My rubber duck. My sister. Uhura... What the fuck man? I wish Space Pope were here. He'd fix you right good.
Narrator:
January 18, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 19, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 20, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 21, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 22, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 23, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 24, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 25, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Zeke started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Drink it Zeke. DRINK IT DAMNIT.
Narrator:
February 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 4, 1841
Zeke has been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to go look for edible plants.
Entry:
I'm not a hobbit. I can't find no damn plants.
Narrator:
February 5, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 6, 1841
We suffered a terrible loss. Zeke has died. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
ZEKE! Damnit... What have I done? This is all my fault... Its ALL MY FAULT! FUCKIN' BOOBIES!
Narrator:
February 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My last moments will always be remembered... I'm freezing... My tears are like shards of ice on cold skin. A mouth covers my penis with sucking motions... Who's doing that? Damnit Jeb, get the fuck out of here. I'm dying you ass.
This is the end for me. I ran everyone I cared about into death. I hope that someday, they can forgive me while I rot in hell for what I've done.
Ah fuck it. God ain't forgiving me. I did it. I loved it. Jeb get back in here and get to work! Goodnight cruel world... Boobs McGillis lea~
Narrator:
February 8, 1841
Boobs McGillis died.
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Candy Expedition
The Candy Expidition
Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Little Girl: 5
Grampa: 65
Wifey: 16
Kain Vinosec: 30
Keith: 25
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
Howdy yall! My name is Walter Graves, and I'm gonna travel this here trail to Oregon with my two friends: Kain and Keith, and my family: Grampa, Wifey, and Little Girl. Lotta people ask me why I dun name Little Girl. But I dun named her Little Girl. She only 5, ain't like she know I ain't give shit'none 'bout 'er. I mean I dun even know my wifes name, or even my father's name. I tell ya, I could give 'shit less 'bout their names. But Keith and Kain are great friends, and they dun never betray me.
- Walter Graves
I'm gonna fuck his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 4 horses, 4 mules, 18 oxen.
Purchased 26 pounds of candy, 40 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 35 16-oz. jars of honey, 30 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 40 16-oz. jars of molasses, 135 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 35 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 19 16-oz. jars of honey, 17 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 35 16-oz. jars of molasses, 150 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 8 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy, 30 16-oz. jars of honey, 29 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 45 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 40 16-oz. jars of honey, 27 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 28 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 19 pounds of candy.
Purchased 27 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy.
Purchased 23 pounds of candy.
Purchased 40 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 22 pounds of candy.
Happened upon a fresh grave near Blue River. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Reached another prominent landmark today: Westport.
Entry:
Well I dun stocked up on enough candy to last me the entire trip I reckon. I reckon I shant need nothin' more. I got alls I need, plus I got me 4 wagons full of Candy! It's a damn dream come true! I feel like a kid again...all hyper and active...and now I got the itch to go kickin'!
- Walter Graves
...that asshole just kicked me in the balls...
- Kain Vinosec
That fuckface better know not to hit me.
- Keith
What the hells going on? I tol' my boy to get supplies, and he comes back with candy... Oh we ain't gonna survive lord.....
- Grampa
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
Today came to New Santa Fe.
Entry:
No time to stop now! They dun goin't'try to steal my candy!
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Lone Elm.
Entry:
Labors? Who dun wrote that? Kain? I'm gonna kick him again. This be the best trip ever. My lower back hurts for some raison, but I reckon more candy'll do'er good!
- Walter Graves
Man I can go for a steak right now...
- Kain Vinosec
Holy shit, Kain just beat the piss out of Walter.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 4, 1848
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Entry:
I reckon I push my friends too far, turns out, Kain didn't write that cowardly note yesterday...Grampa did. Now that I recall I was makin' Grampa separate the chocolate from the hard candy, he dun slaved most of the day, and it dun did pay off! Now I got two wagons full of chocolate, and two full of hard candy. I reckon I don't know which one to devour first!
- Walter Graves
That bastard nearly killed his own father, and for what? Walter ne'er cared 'bout organization before...
- Wifey
I just took a shit in one of the chocolate wagons.
- Kain
Man this wagon smells mighty curious, but I reckon' chocolate must smell funky aft' couple days in a wagon, in the blisterin' heat. Oh well, I'm gonna sleep in here, where it's all nice and melty like.
- Walter Graves
Walter always had a wonderful imagination, but I don't think he unde'stands how far away Oregon is...
- Wifey
Narrator:
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
Who dun say we out of food? We got damn near a ton of candy still t'eat. I ate most of the chocolate in 'ere last night, I reckon some of it tasted mighty disgusting, but I reckon' that's the heat preserving it's nutrition.
- Walter Graves
Man, I was just joking when I suggested that we take a trip to Oregon with just candy. I thought he was hiding food as a joke y'know? Turns out...that moron took me seriously.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A severe thunderstorm made travel difficult today. We figured we would continue as usual.
The trail brought us to Blue Mound today.
Entry:
I saw Kain goin' into Wifey's wagon, he must be tired of walkin' in the rain, I forgot to buy them a wagon... whoops. I reckon I made them each of my family guard one of the wagons with their lives, incase theives stole my goodies.
I fucked his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
That asshole kicked us out of the wagons! And he's makin us walk, God damn, and I forgot my gun. I'm gonna beat his ass.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We suffered a terrible loss. Grampa has died of starvation. We plan to continue immediately.
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
I reckon I caught Grampy eatin' some of my candy, and had t' beat him. I didn't mean to kill him I swear. It just sort'v panned out that way... Man my back is killin' me.
- Walter Graves
Deer God, he just killed his old man over a piece of candy! Shit...He's going to kill me for sure...
- Kain Vinosec
Wait. I thought he bought the candy for us...
- Keith
I dun explained to Kain and Keith, that the candy is for us, and that my family can fend for themselves....
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
All these complaints about no food. I reckon, I threw a couple hunks off candy off my wagon, into that dirt and let Wifey and Little Girl fight over it. They're actin' like vultures, I ain't know why. God damn do I feel like shit tho!
- Walter
That bastard, we're going to die man. I told Keith we should make a break for it, we can make it back to Independence in a couple days. I can't eat another piece of candy man. I just puked all over the candy in this wagon....
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
A very sad day, Little Girl has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Wifey has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Kain Vinosec and Keith left the bodies of the Graves family on the trail, and made a break for their lives, heading back to Independence. Keith went on to become an inventor and one day disappeared. Kain went on to join a traveling circus, to beat up the clowns when they got out of control.
THE END
Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Little Girl: 5
Grampa: 65
Wifey: 16
Kain Vinosec: 30
Keith: 25
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
Howdy yall! My name is Walter Graves, and I'm gonna travel this here trail to Oregon with my two friends: Kain and Keith, and my family: Grampa, Wifey, and Little Girl. Lotta people ask me why I dun name Little Girl. But I dun named her Little Girl. She only 5, ain't like she know I ain't give shit'none 'bout 'er. I mean I dun even know my wifes name, or even my father's name. I tell ya, I could give 'shit less 'bout their names. But Keith and Kain are great friends, and they dun never betray me.
- Walter Graves
I'm gonna fuck his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 4 horses, 4 mules, 18 oxen.
Purchased 26 pounds of candy, 40 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 35 16-oz. jars of honey, 30 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 40 16-oz. jars of molasses, 135 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 35 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 19 16-oz. jars of honey, 17 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 35 16-oz. jars of molasses, 150 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 8 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy, 30 16-oz. jars of honey, 29 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 45 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 40 16-oz. jars of honey, 27 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 28 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 19 pounds of candy.
Purchased 27 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy.
Purchased 23 pounds of candy.
Purchased 40 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 22 pounds of candy.
Happened upon a fresh grave near Blue River. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Reached another prominent landmark today: Westport.
Entry:
Well I dun stocked up on enough candy to last me the entire trip I reckon. I reckon I shant need nothin' more. I got alls I need, plus I got me 4 wagons full of Candy! It's a damn dream come true! I feel like a kid again...all hyper and active...and now I got the itch to go kickin'!
- Walter Graves
...that asshole just kicked me in the balls...
- Kain Vinosec
That fuckface better know not to hit me.
- Keith
What the hells going on? I tol' my boy to get supplies, and he comes back with candy... Oh we ain't gonna survive lord.....
- Grampa
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
Today came to New Santa Fe.
Entry:
No time to stop now! They dun goin't'try to steal my candy!
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Lone Elm.
Entry:
Labors? Who dun wrote that? Kain? I'm gonna kick him again. This be the best trip ever. My lower back hurts for some raison, but I reckon more candy'll do'er good!
- Walter Graves
Man I can go for a steak right now...
- Kain Vinosec
Holy shit, Kain just beat the piss out of Walter.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 4, 1848
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Entry:
I reckon I push my friends too far, turns out, Kain didn't write that cowardly note yesterday...Grampa did. Now that I recall I was makin' Grampa separate the chocolate from the hard candy, he dun slaved most of the day, and it dun did pay off! Now I got two wagons full of chocolate, and two full of hard candy. I reckon I don't know which one to devour first!
- Walter Graves
That bastard nearly killed his own father, and for what? Walter ne'er cared 'bout organization before...
- Wifey
I just took a shit in one of the chocolate wagons.
- Kain
Man this wagon smells mighty curious, but I reckon' chocolate must smell funky aft' couple days in a wagon, in the blisterin' heat. Oh well, I'm gonna sleep in here, where it's all nice and melty like.
- Walter Graves
Walter always had a wonderful imagination, but I don't think he unde'stands how far away Oregon is...
- Wifey
Narrator:
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
Who dun say we out of food? We got damn near a ton of candy still t'eat. I ate most of the chocolate in 'ere last night, I reckon some of it tasted mighty disgusting, but I reckon' that's the heat preserving it's nutrition.
- Walter Graves
Man, I was just joking when I suggested that we take a trip to Oregon with just candy. I thought he was hiding food as a joke y'know? Turns out...that moron took me seriously.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A severe thunderstorm made travel difficult today. We figured we would continue as usual.
The trail brought us to Blue Mound today.
Entry:
I saw Kain goin' into Wifey's wagon, he must be tired of walkin' in the rain, I forgot to buy them a wagon... whoops. I reckon I made them each of my family guard one of the wagons with their lives, incase theives stole my goodies.
I fucked his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
That asshole kicked us out of the wagons! And he's makin us walk, God damn, and I forgot my gun. I'm gonna beat his ass.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We suffered a terrible loss. Grampa has died of starvation. We plan to continue immediately.
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
I reckon I caught Grampy eatin' some of my candy, and had t' beat him. I didn't mean to kill him I swear. It just sort'v panned out that way... Man my back is killin' me.
- Walter Graves
Deer God, he just killed his old man over a piece of candy! Shit...He's going to kill me for sure...
- Kain Vinosec
Wait. I thought he bought the candy for us...
- Keith
I dun explained to Kain and Keith, that the candy is for us, and that my family can fend for themselves....
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
All these complaints about no food. I reckon, I threw a couple hunks off candy off my wagon, into that dirt and let Wifey and Little Girl fight over it. They're actin' like vultures, I ain't know why. God damn do I feel like shit tho!
- Walter
That bastard, we're going to die man. I told Keith we should make a break for it, we can make it back to Independence in a couple days. I can't eat another piece of candy man. I just puked all over the candy in this wagon....
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
A very sad day, Little Girl has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Wifey has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Kain Vinosec and Keith left the bodies of the Graves family on the trail, and made a break for their lives, heading back to Independence. Keith went on to become an inventor and one day disappeared. Kain went on to join a traveling circus, to beat up the clowns when they got out of control.
THE END
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Go With Christ
Go With Christ
Cast:
Walter Graves: 40
Aiden: 5
Nicholi: 12
Moses: 65
Eve Christ: 20
Paul: 35
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a teacher. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our small farmwagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Entry:
I, Walter Graves, have accepted the word and praise of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I here reckon that me and my family are going to travel this here trail on nothin' but the prayers and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. People have been praying to me all day, especially when I tell them of my plans. I reckon' when me and my family reach Oregon, no one will doubt the word of God ever again. I tell ya, there is no need for tools, food, or even water if you have enough faith in God. We will leave first thing tomorry.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 oxen, 2 horses, 2 mules.
Saw a mountain lion not far from Blue River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
These nonbelievers tried to beg us to take goods with us! I dun tell them to stay away from my family, lest God himself strike down and smite their family! They are unholy hol'ers!
- Walter Graves
P.S. I dun swear no more neither.
I decided to do like the Great Noah, and buy two of each animal necessary for travel. I feel holier than thou already!
- Walter Graves
I will prove, that with enough faith in God, he will part the waters...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
We lost nothing when our wagon became swamped in the river.
Entry:
Darnit! I guess Moses didn't pray hard enough, I caned him infront of everybody to make an example out of him, to show what happens when you don't pray in my family!
- Walter
Well, looks like we didn't dun lose nothin' seein' as we brought nothin'. I ain't lose faith neither.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Westport.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
From now on, eight hours of travel per day.
We will be more frugal with our food.
Entry:
We had a little delay, and I apologize oh Lord! I dun did as you commanded, and made Aiden pray after a strict caning for his misdeeds, because he doesn't have as much faith in God as me.
- Walter Graves
No time to stop here, I say any stop will only anger God. I say eat the words of the Lord, that's what I've been doin'.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from New Santa Fe; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
We will eat better from now on.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Entry:
Oh tarnations! My whole family is turnin' out t' be a bunch of ungreatful sinners! I had to beat Nicholi for asking the other folk in this nice wagon train for their food! Who does he think he is? He's 12 years old, I dun have him chained up now in my wagon starin at a bible. Eve has that look of hunger in her eyes, but I say if she dun have as much faith as me, then I reckon she can go burn in hell with the rest of 'em.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Moses has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Lone Elm.
Entry:
Looks like Moses didn't have enough faith in God aft'all. I dun left him rotting in the dirt, like he dun be rotting in hell right now for doubting the word of the Lord. I say, this is the true testament of our faith in Jesus, if I don't make it, then I failed too, but I ain't hungry yet. I reckon' my faith in God is enough to pull me through good.
- Walter Graves
I watched Nicholi kick the corpse, and condemn it to hell. I dun raise my boy good! Almos' brings a tear to my eye.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
A very sad day, Aiden has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Today my youngest son died of starvation. Well I tell you, like I dun tell Eve, at least we didn't abort him.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
'Nuff of this starvation bit, I reckon I feelin' great! I got this weird lump growin' on my stomach, but I reckon' that's the evil being cast out from my soul! I knew God'd hear my prayers!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Nicholi has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Eve Christ has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Entry:
They're all a bunch of sinners! Oh God, how could I have been so blind that my family dun didn't believe in you? I'll make it Lord, you know I wi....
- Walter Graves
The Graves family were left on the dirt trail as Walter had demanded had they not succeeded their voyage of faith.
The End
Cast:
Walter Graves: 40
Aiden: 5
Nicholi: 12
Moses: 65
Eve Christ: 20
Paul: 35
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a teacher. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our small farmwagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Entry:
I, Walter Graves, have accepted the word and praise of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I here reckon that me and my family are going to travel this here trail on nothin' but the prayers and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. People have been praying to me all day, especially when I tell them of my plans. I reckon' when me and my family reach Oregon, no one will doubt the word of God ever again. I tell ya, there is no need for tools, food, or even water if you have enough faith in God. We will leave first thing tomorry.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 oxen, 2 horses, 2 mules.
Saw a mountain lion not far from Blue River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
These nonbelievers tried to beg us to take goods with us! I dun tell them to stay away from my family, lest God himself strike down and smite their family! They are unholy hol'ers!
- Walter Graves
P.S. I dun swear no more neither.
I decided to do like the Great Noah, and buy two of each animal necessary for travel. I feel holier than thou already!
- Walter Graves
I will prove, that with enough faith in God, he will part the waters...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
We lost nothing when our wagon became swamped in the river.
Entry:
Darnit! I guess Moses didn't pray hard enough, I caned him infront of everybody to make an example out of him, to show what happens when you don't pray in my family!
- Walter
Well, looks like we didn't dun lose nothin' seein' as we brought nothin'. I ain't lose faith neither.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Westport.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
From now on, eight hours of travel per day.
We will be more frugal with our food.
Entry:
We had a little delay, and I apologize oh Lord! I dun did as you commanded, and made Aiden pray after a strict caning for his misdeeds, because he doesn't have as much faith in God as me.
- Walter Graves
No time to stop here, I say any stop will only anger God. I say eat the words of the Lord, that's what I've been doin'.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from New Santa Fe; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
We will eat better from now on.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Entry:
Oh tarnations! My whole family is turnin' out t' be a bunch of ungreatful sinners! I had to beat Nicholi for asking the other folk in this nice wagon train for their food! Who does he think he is? He's 12 years old, I dun have him chained up now in my wagon starin at a bible. Eve has that look of hunger in her eyes, but I say if she dun have as much faith as me, then I reckon she can go burn in hell with the rest of 'em.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Moses has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Lone Elm.
Entry:
Looks like Moses didn't have enough faith in God aft'all. I dun left him rotting in the dirt, like he dun be rotting in hell right now for doubting the word of the Lord. I say, this is the true testament of our faith in Jesus, if I don't make it, then I failed too, but I ain't hungry yet. I reckon' my faith in God is enough to pull me through good.
- Walter Graves
I watched Nicholi kick the corpse, and condemn it to hell. I dun raise my boy good! Almos' brings a tear to my eye.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
A very sad day, Aiden has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Today my youngest son died of starvation. Well I tell you, like I dun tell Eve, at least we didn't abort him.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
'Nuff of this starvation bit, I reckon I feelin' great! I got this weird lump growin' on my stomach, but I reckon' that's the evil being cast out from my soul! I knew God'd hear my prayers!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Nicholi has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Eve Christ has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Entry:
They're all a bunch of sinners! Oh God, how could I have been so blind that my family dun didn't believe in you? I'll make it Lord, you know I wi....
- Walter Graves
The Graves family were left on the dirt trail as Walter had demanded had they not succeeded their voyage of faith.
The End
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