Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Kain: 30
Keith: 25
Girlie Girl: 5
Wifey: 15
Grampy: 65
Narrator:
April 30, 1850
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
Howdy yall! Walter Graves here, I reckon that I dun gonna live out my childhood dream and take on the great Oregon Trail, nah really, aint as much a dream as it is an escape from this pitfall of dump town Independence. Lemme tell ya somethin'bout Independence: The people here is dumber than a sack of tomatoes, aint no one question that I'm a banker, that's why I'm rich bitch! And the whole town smells like shit, cuz dun everyone just poop in the street! I'm standing in human shit right now! Anyway, I'm gonna make it to Oregon, cuz I reckon they got better lookin' hookers, or so I'm told...Sounds like a nice trip for my family too!
- Walter Graves
Why did my Walter take a dump on Main Street and jump in it?
- Wifey
Walter said he's goin to the Tit Capital of the world. I'm fuckin THERE!
- Kain Vinosec
I heard why he stepped in his shit, what the hell was he thinking? Guy is right though, this town is a fucking dump.
- Keith
Daddy says I'm gonna run the family business in Oregon!
- Girlie Girl
I reckon I too old t' travel from home, but my boy said I had no choice while aimin his gun at me...
- Grampy
Narrator:
May 1, 1850
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 90 boxes of 20 bullets, 95 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 85 10-lb. sacks of shot, 13 pistols, 6 rifles, 6 shotguns.
Purchased 2 mules, 20 oxen.
Purchased 25 boxes of 20 bullets, 9 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
As expected, we made it to Blue River today.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
The trail brought us to Westport today.
Entry:
I reckon I stock up on enough guns and ammo to kill our way to Oregon. This is war!
- Walter Graves
I got Kain and Keith their own wagons too! I reckon' they each wanted things, but I dun spent all my money on this here ammunition. I mean, I reckon I wanted a hat, but I had to sacrifice that for another rifle!
- Walter Graves
That fucker punched me for trying to buy candy! I was going to kick him in the balls, but then I saw all the guns and ammo he had in his wagon.. Fuck I'm not going near that wagon.
- Kain Vinosec
Walter just told me if one bullet one missing from his wagon, he'd beat me...
- Wifey
I took a bullet for good luck, just like the good ol' days!
- Grampy
Narrator:
May 2, 1850
Passed New Santa Fe today.
Entry:
Today we reached some shit'n'grin place, I say I was gonna stop by and check the place out, but I was countin' my bullets and realized I was one short. So I dun beat my wife while we passed by that New Santa Fe. Ever'one's depressed, I reckon, they aren't the ones who gonna feed us! I am. I'm the only one here who dun qualified for huntin'
- Walter Graves
I really had to piss man...
- Kain Vinosec
Kain just peed his pants! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Girlie Girl was laughin' at him, so I ordered her to go clean him off.
- Walter Graves
Kain and Girlie Girl have been gone for like 3 hours. Where the hell did they go?
- Keith
Narrator:
May 3, 1850
We laid by today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, I'm gonna piss myself more often!
- Kain Vinosec
There were a lot of weird noises coming from Kain's wagon last night, I reckon he might be worshipping that there witchcraft...I'll be nicer to 'im... I'm scared of ghosts man...
- Walter Graves
Somethin' sure spooked Walter, he's whiter than bitches tit and shakin' like he got them rickets disease! He's totin' that shotgun mighty close too... I'll try talkin' to him.
- Keith
Wow! Walter just gave me a rifle. I feel honored, he's never given anyone anything. EVER. Did he want me to bang his daughter?
- Kain
I dun gaved Kain one of my huntin' rifles. I reckon' if he's a sorceror, we're goin' need his supernatural powers to gather us more food.
- Walter Graves
I knew Walter would come around, he didn't even give me the ring he bought me fo' our weddin'! All he said was "I aint trust a woman with nothin' valiable." Then threatened me with a knife durin' the ceremony while telling the priest; "She does..."
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 5, 1850
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 105 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I dun knew Kain was a sorceror! He dun bagged more dead animals than I have so far! Oh lord bless that man!
- Walter Graves
Why did Walter just give me that gay look?
- Kain
Narrator:
May 6, 1850
The fog was awful this morning. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Aint nothin happen today, just another day huggin' my Arms.
- Walter Graves
I just walked in on Walter kissing his rifle...with tongue...I...I'm gonna go barf....
- Kain Vinosec
I haven't said anything in a while. So...What up?
- Keith
Narrator:
May 7, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
That dumb sonovabitch! He failed me! I reckon' he aint no damn sorceror! He be one of them warlock savages that dun decieve you int' believin' in stuff that aint true! I kicked him in the balls when he came back with nothin!
- Walter Graves
Wait. What? Why does Walter think I have supernatural powers? What the FUCK is going on man?
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 9, 1850
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Kansas River.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
I reckon that Kain explained that he dun was no witch, warlock or a damn sorceror. I say he's a lying sack o'shit! I heard them noises he made that night he spent with Girlie Gir.......OH THAT BASTARD!
- Walter Graves
Oh my lord! Walter just dragged Kain out of his wagon at gun point, and kicked the shit out of him! Oh no! I think he killed him!
- Wifey
I warned Kain about fucking Walter's kin. Jesus, Walter said he didn't shoot 'im cuz he'd be wasting resources... I guess that's a plus?
- Keith
I'm gonna get that mother fucker...
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 10, 1850
Today we have traveled 100 miles.
We tipped the wagon and lost 5 boxes of 20 bullets; 5 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; 3 10-lb. sacks of shot; 1 pound of meat and various other items.
Kain was nearly drowned today. We're planning to continue.
Kain has internal injuries. We plan to make patient comfortable.
A very sad day, Kain has died of internal injuries. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
That dumb fuck, Kain! I dun figure we float across and we'd be safe fo' sure, I mean wood float, we float, aint no harm in that I reckon! I got bored midway through and decided t' push Kain off the wagon, for shits and grins, it was all just good fun until he decided he' goin try t' get back on, and damn tipped the wagon over! Dumb fuck got pinned under the water, I could've helped him, we were at the shore of the other side by then, water was no more than a foot deep. But I left his ass there for bein' a dumb fuck, and for touchin my daughter.
- Walter
He just watched his friend die, I gotta get out of here.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 11, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 187 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Today I decided to go huntin' I shot me so many critters! I reckon' I gonna eat it allll my self! Man I got two wagons to myself now too!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 12, 1850
Arrived at Saint Mary’s Mission.
Traveled past Red Vermillion River this afternoon.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Well I reckon Floating got Kain killed, I reckon' I aint ever gonna trust these morons again so fuck you river!
- Walter Graves
Why is Walter flicking off the water?
- Keith
Narrator:
May 13, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 81 pounds of meat.
For a time today we feared we were lost. We were much relieved to find ourselves at an identifiable location, Scott Spring.
Entry:
Today I went huntin' I was dun out there for like 4 hours, and finally shot me a deer good! I dun go back and find everyone gone! Those fuckers abandoned me here! ...I'm gonna get 'em.
- Walter Graves
I finally caught up to the wagon train, yup. Don't ask how I did, I will never tell. I dun choke the shit out of Keith for tryin' to abandon me! He claimed they were waitin' where I left 'em, but I say he dun know nothin'. I proved it cuz he dun later said we was lost, and I knew we wasn't!
- Walter Graves
That mother fucker almost broke my neck! I kicked him in the face, and stomped his ass, he wont touch me ever again.
- Keith
I aint know Keith had fight in'em. Now I remember why I dun give'd him a wagon. I gave him a rifle, cuz I dun reckon' I was wrong about him all along.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 15, 1850
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Alcove Spring. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of Big Blue River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
I caught Girlie Girl talkin' to an abandoned wagon. She was talkin' bout what stories it has, or somethin' so I beat her. I can't tolerate stupidity no more on my voyages. I hope that black eye heals by the time we reach Oregon. I gotta remember to watch my temper from now on. Oh dammit...
- Walter Graves
Lemme tell ya about that Miss Whitney, she's got great tits yo, I think I got me another person fo' my business in Oregon, Woo! I got me a sexy interview to conduct tonight!
- Walter Graves
I warned that lady about Walter's temper... some people are just retarded. I'm caulking the river, that bastards not gonna kill me.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 16, 1850
Misplaced my guidebook at St. Joseph Road Junction today. Luckily we found it before leaving.
Entry:
I dun lost my guidebook this mornin', then I realized Miss Whitney had stole it! I got her back, let's just say a mountain lion got her. That's what I sayin'.
Narrator:
May 20, 1850
Keith came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My friend Keith dun got sick, he'll walk it off.
Narrator:
May 21, 1850
Mr. Lumare figured we would reach The Narrows today, and he was right.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
That Mr. Lumare thinks he's so smart. I knew we was reachin the Narrows. It' right fuckin' there on the fuckin' map! Some people just need to eat shit. I'm goin huntin!
- Walter Graves
Damn gun jammed!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 22, 1850
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to continue over the obstruction.
Entry:
Damn I was hopin the boulders would crush Keith's wagon, shit! No particular reason, I'm just bored.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 24, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 185 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Woo! I shot me a deer in the face! Finally.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 26, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 150 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I reckon' huntin' the best experience a man can enjoy. I dun shot me a bear too, but I left it rottin' in the sun.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 27, 1850
Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near “The Coast of Nebraska”; had a very nice chat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
I banged his wife.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 28, 1850
As expected, we made it to Fort Kearny today.
Entry:
Those people are retarded. Let's ne'er go here again!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 30, 1850
Girlie Girl has a bad cold. We're going to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 177 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I say I aint never been sick 'afore, so I dun see why they all complainin'. I tol' Girlie Girl if she dun get better she goin' to ruin my future family business!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 31, 1850
Reached Plum Creek about noon--about time!
Entry:
About fuckin time!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 1, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 5 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck.
Narrator:
June 2, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Just, Fuck!
Narrator:
June 3, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 162 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn yeah! Finally!
Narrator:
June 5, 1850
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 186 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Woo! That dirt dun kicked up some rabbit nests I shot me like 300 rabbits! Woo!
Narrator:
June 8, 1850
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near O’Fallon’s Bluffs.
Entry:
I dun know why, but Girlie Girl has been cryin ever since I dun told my stories...
- Walter Graves
That sick fuck was talking about a monster creeping out of the woods, and as his punchline he threw a bloody rabbit corpse at Girlie Girl, hitting her in the face. That poor girl...
- Keith
Narrator:
June 9, 1850
We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 147 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Just another day, more animals dead, more dust, mo' complainin. Girlie Girl's still cryin. I dun know why, I thought it was funny, shit hell, it still makes me laugh, so I dun throwed anotha' dead rabbit at her while she was sleepin. That'll do'er good.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 14, 1850
Grampy has a bad cold. We're going to rest here awhile.
Entry:
I say good, serves him right for complainin'.
- Walter Graves
He just slapped his old man, for no reason...
- Keith
Narrator:
June 15, 1850
Went gathering. We found edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Dandelion leaves and roots and edible Blackberries.
Entry:
I reckon' some good poison'll do Grampy good!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 16, 1850
Grampy has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 169 pounds of meat.
I just got bitten by a wild animal. We're going to clean and dress the wound.
Arrived at South Platte River today.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Got 'em! I kicked him good while he was down too!
- Walter Graves
Oh shit! He let the horses go while beating Grampy and oh shit The river looks deep!
- Keith
Narrator:
June 17, 1850
Wifey came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Lamb's Quarters leaves, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Groundplum pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Groundplum pods.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Wifey got sick, I tol'er it's probably cuz o'what happened earlier. But I dun care, I went and picked berries.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 18, 1850
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Woo! 500 miles and I've killed like 400 thousand critters! This is the best trip I ever dun gone on!
- Walter Graves
Wow, we really made it this far? Kain would be proud
- Keith
Narrator:
June 19, 1850
Confounded mosquitoes! There's no end to them! We'll continue.
In good spirits today; got as far as Ash Hollow.
Entry:
I'm itchin' like a mothe' fucker. Dammit I gotta go.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 20, 1850
Grampa came down with cholera. We've got to continue as usual.
We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.
Found ourselves at Ash Hollow this day. Got a nasty splinter in my thumb, but extracted it without too much difficulty.
Entry:
Good. That'll learn 'em for not bein smart.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 22, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Dammit!
Narrator:
June 26, 1850
Girlie Girl has a bad cold. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
No! I tol' her not to get sick 'gain! I can't afford to lose my home business!
Narrator:
June 27, 1850
Encamped a while near Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 130 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Woot Damn! I shot me a bunch of racoons and a fox! That shit was fun.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 29, 1850
Arrived at Chimney Rock, despite some “help” from Nicholas J. Tillman.
Went gathering. We found edible Cattail roots, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!), edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Blackberries.
Entry:
That Mr. Tillman is a DEAD MAN. He tried to tell me I had a fine daughter and a beautiful wife. I dun punched him good. My business aint start til we reach Oregon dammit.
- Walter Graves
Walter just punched that Mr. Tillman in the face. Shit, that guy has a mean right hook.
- Keith
Narrator:
June 30, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Dammit!
Narrator:
July 1, 1850
Sore feet today, but I'll manage. Saw Scotts Bluff.
Entry:
Damn my feet hurt, it must be cuz I failed at huntin' yesterday. Gonna rest a bit.
- Walter
Narrator:
July 2, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Robidoux Pass Trading Post. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
Dammit! Girlie Girl must've scared off the critters!
Narrator:
July 3, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Sonovabitch! I want me some squirrel meet!
Narrator:
July 5, 1850
Discovered that Grampa has dysentery. Seems best if we continue as usual.
Entry:
I dun don't know what dysentery is, I say he dun reckon made it up. That dumb bastard, I punched him good, maybe he'll stop thinkin' dumb.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 6, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Oh no! No no no No no! I dun have it in me no more! I say it's Kain's spirit cursin me! I dun knew he was a sorceror, I nev' shoulda' betrayed him. Oh lord no!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 7, 1850
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Man...I really suck at hunting. Keith gave me some advice, I'll see how it goes tomorrow. I reckon his idea will endanger any species along this trail! Woo I can't wait!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 8, 1850
Walter was accidentally shot.
Walter Graves died.
Entry:
Jesus...Last night I told him he should try aiming the gun at himself, it'd get him more food. It was just a joke...
- Keith
Saturday, July 3, 2010
There's Boobs in Here written by Kain Ethos Vinosec
Cast:
This is the story of Boobs McGillis and his travels with Zeke (Age: 30), Space Pope (25), Dickle (18), Ho Bag (10), and Faggity (65).
Narrator:
July 31, 1840
Here begins the journal of Boobs McGillis, formerly a journalist. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Willamette Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Narrator:
August 1, 1840
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
We will have to eat less each day.
Traded 1 dollar for 30 pounds of bacon.
Traded 7 dollars for 1 spare wagon axle.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 set of cooking utensils.
Traded 30 pounds of bacon for 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Traded 1 spare wagon axle for 60 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 harmonica.
Traded 9 dollars for 4 blankets.
Traded 71 dollars for 1 grandfather clock.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 4-oz. bottles of ipecac.
Traded 5 dollars for 2 pairs of long underwear.
Traded 3 dollars for 3 pairs of shoes.
Traded 151 dollars for 4 mules.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 ax.
Traded 28 dollars for 8 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 16-oz. bottles of ammonia.
Traded 114 dollars for 1 shotgun.
Traded 24 dollars for 7 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 7 dollars for 30 pounds of meat.
Traded 8 dollars for 4 chickens.
Traded 18 dollars for 1 pistol.
Traded 188 dollars for 16 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
Traded 127 dollars for 1 rifle.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 dress.
Traded 27 dollars for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Traded 1 spare wagon wheel for 1 guitar.
Traded 1 grandfather clock for 1 mule.
Traded 2 mules for 5 oxen.
Came to Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Westport.
Saw some Indians in the distance not far from New Santa Fe. No incident, but some concern.
Entry:
Four days until my birthday. This should be some good travelin'. Those hookers over in the west sure do sound like fun. I'm bringin' a few people along so that if I run out of food I can go cannibal on their ass. Oh, and my ten year old daughter for the boys to fight over. Hell, its a long trip. I might hafta disown her and have a go myself!
Narrator:
August 2, 1840
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Camped today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, this trip is gonna be fuckin' pimp. I'm gonna be fuckin' captain. That means I'm in charge bitches! You hear that out there? I'M THE MAN!
Narrator:
August 3, 1840
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
Not much goin' on today it seems. Two days until my birthday. We gonna have a big blow out.
Narrator:
August 4, 1840
A sudden thunderstorm caught us on the trail. I decided it is best to continue as usual.
Entry:
Alittle rain never hurt anyone. The lightning was pretty. We shoved a metal pole up our chicken's ass to see if he'd get shocked. To our disappointment, he just bled alittle. It was sexy though.
Narrator:
August 5, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to slow down.
Entry:
Go Boobs, its your birthday. Fuckin' awesome. Its hot, but damn we got plastered and shit. It was great. Zeke had his way with my daughter Ho Bag. That kinda pissed me off... And, one of the mother fuckers in the third wagon didn't get me a present. We'll see what he says when we cross the next river... Dumb son of a bitch.
Narrator:
August 6, 1840
Reached another prominent landmark today: Kansas River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Travelin' today is goin' well. My daughter looks good in that dress... Fuck, I gotta stop thinkin' like that. This isn't England.
Narrator:
August 7, 1840
We swamped the wagon in the river and lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 5 pounds of bacon; 2 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 chicken; 3 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; and various other items.
Entry:
Damnit... We lost the chicken. And a bottle of my brandy. I was pissed. I shanked that guy that didn't get me a present. He regretted it. I found out later, he had gotten me the chicken we lost and wasn't gonna tell me until we were alone. That fag. I'm glad I stabbed him.
Narrator:
August 8, 1840
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Fuckin' woot.
Narrator:
August 9, 1840
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Red Vermillion River. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Oh we forded that mother fucker. It was awesome. I tripped Ho Bag. She hit her head on a rock. It was great. Then Zeke raped her. That kinda ruined the mood, but it was fun to watch anyway
Narrator:
August 10, 1840
Saw a mountain lion not far from Scott Spring.
Entry:
Damn lion... Makes me wanna have sex with something. Cats are naturally sexified.
I'm startin' to notice, ten days on the road now, that we have a shit load of mexicans traveling with us. Maybe that lion will come visit?
Narrator:
August 12, 1840
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Alcove Spring.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Saw Big Blue River, sight is most reassuring.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Some people been complainin' about those ten-hour days. I think I'll work 'em a bit harder to keep up morale.
Narrator:
August 13, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 2 pounds of bacon; 1 4-oz. bottle of ipecac; 1 pair of shoes; 1 ax; and various other items.
jWe suffered a terrible loss. Faggity drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
Wow. Just when I think I'm not workin' 'em enough, they let the damn wagon tip over in five ft. deep water? Those fucking pansies. Oh, they're gonna pay. And Faggity died. That dumb shit. He was fuckin' six foot tall. And he drown in five foot deep water? Hell, we knew he was drownin'. We just watched. Figured if he was stupid enough to not stand up, he deserved death. We left his carcass in the river. The fish will thank us someday.
Narrator:
August 15, 1840
It's mighty hot today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
August 16, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to continue as usual.
The morale in our wagon party is low. We are hoping to continue.
Entry:
Those mother fuckers are driving me nuts. Complainin' and shit... Wahh, its hot. Lets rest.. Fuck them. They should've enjoyed the river some more. Like Faggity. Damn.
Narrator:
August 17, 1840
Ho Bag came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Another step on the trail; today we reached The Narrows.
Entry:
Continue is damn right. If she's sick, I ain't tappin' that ass. Zeke hit it though... I tried to warn him, but he was already poundin' away. She sneezed on his junk. It was pretty gross.
Narrator:
August 19, 1840
Ho Bag has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
I threw some water at the bitch. Figured it'd wake her up. Zeke's still lookin' at her kinda funny... I hope he ain't plannin' to run off with her.
Narrator:
August 20, 1840
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of "The Coast of Nebraska".
Entry:
It looked like balls. Wet ones.
Narrator:
August 22, 1840
We lost a chicken today.
Entry:
Zeke had sex with it. I don't know why... I guess because he's startin' to show signs of gettin' sick too. But, he ain't sayin' nothing yet. He's a strong one.
Narrator:
September 3, 1840
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 191 pounds of meat.
Traded 1 dress for 1 thermometer.
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia.
Traded 8 pounds of meat for 1 12-oz. bottle of magnesia.
Entry:
Yeah, everyone was pretty tired, we were out of food. So, we had a fourteen day rest and I shot some shit. It was good times.
Had ta trade Ho Bag's only dress for a thermometer. She's runnin' around naked. Its pissin' Zeke off. After we found out she's really sick, I had to give up some bullets and my man meat for some curative shit. I dunno if I got the right stuff, but damnit she better like it.
Narrator:
September 4, 1840
We will travel eight hours/day from now on.
We will have heartier meals.
Entry:
Figured I'd get those assfucks to shut up. Zeke seemed happy, but Ho Bag ain't lookin' so good. I'm gonna go touch her in some fun places. See if it makes her feel better.
Nope.
Narrator:
September 6, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Pear pads, edible Salsify roots, edible Black Mustard greens and edible Currants.
Entry:
Forced Ho Bag to cook for us. She did pretty good for someone that kept throwin' up. Maybe I shouldn't have worked her so hard...
Narrator:
September 7, 1840
We suffered a terrible loss. Ho Bag died. We plan to continue immediately.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Zeke was pissed. He got everyone to rebel again' me. I'm just kinda... taggin' along now. We went to bury the body and we couldn't find it... I think Zeke took her, but I'm not sure. He's a sick man... Dickle has been workin' pretty hard lately. If I were still captain, I'd hook him up with some slut. But, alas...
Narrator:
September 11, 1840
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Plum Creek. If I were superstitious, I'd call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Heh. Those buzzards looked funny. I think they're following us 'cause of Zeke. I'll look into it.
Narrator:
September 15, 1840
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to continue as usual.
Entry:
New captain is as cold as I was. No food, no water, walkin' all damn day. It sucks. Is this how I was treatin' people? Man, I deserve to've been excommunicated from the church.
Narrator:
September 21, 1840
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker. He's goin' the same way Ho Bag did. And I know why... He's still doin' her! I saw that wagon rockin' last night and I knew what was goin' on. I just didn't wanna admit it. Shit. What a way to go.
Narrator:
September 22, 1840
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 water keg.
Entry:
Space Pope was bitchin' about not having any food. I slapped him and said that the captain knows what's best. He shut up, and I killed a mule and fed him its penis. He liked it. Said it tasted like bratwurst.
Narrator:
September 23, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
Entry:
Typhus? The fuck is that? No one here knew how to treat it, so we threw a bucket of water on him and kept goin'. He doesn't look so good.
Narrator:
September 24, 1840
Nooned near O'Fallon's Bluffs.
Narrator:
September 25, 1840
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Those motherfuckers came crawlin' back. I'm gonna be alittle nicer. They only accepted me because I found the rotting corpse of Ho Bag in Zeke's wagon. Man, that guy... I swear. Apparently, Dickle had alittle of her too. I dunno who got sloppy seconds, but Dickle still looks pretty fucked up. I hope they both die.
Narrator:
September 26, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
I threw another bucket of water on him, and they kicked me out again. What the fuck? These guys don't know what the hell they're doin'. I'm thinkin' about running off to live with the Indians. They's got hot bitches.
Narrator:
September 28, 1840
A very sad day, Dickle has died. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Poor Dickle. Apparently, he had eaten out Ho Bag, pre-death. He told us right before he was going to die, but I shot that mother fucker first. Damnit. Ho Bag was supposed to be mine. I didn't even get laid. Fuck.
Narrator:
September 29, 1840
Space Pope has scarlet fever, and we're planning to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
Now my buddy Space Pope is falling ill. He's got something else though. I think it came from those engines we raped a few miles back... Maybe those bushes we buried them under were poisonous after all... I'll try to help him out as best I can.
Narrator:
October 5, 1840
Just learned that one of the oxen was injured. We're going to continue as usual.
Made an early start this morning; passed South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
It looked like a good idea at the time.
Narrator:
October 6, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 9 pounds of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 192 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Clearly I was wrong.
Narrator:
October 7, 1840
Entry:
Space Pope is feeling alittle better today. I think he's gonna make it. Zeke on the other hand... I beat the fuck out of him after I got drunk. He cried like a bitch, so I hit him some more and forced him to eat some mule shit. He liked it. Ate some more, threw up, and now he's throwin' it at some of the kids that ain't died yet. Zeke's fucked in the head man.
We gonna climb this hill tomorrow.
Narrator:
October 8, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 set of cooking utensils; 1 blanket; 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 16 pounds of meat and various other items.
Entry:
Fuck. If at first you don't succeed...
Narrator:
October 9, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 3 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck. Just, fuck.
Narrator:
October 10, 1840
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
And boy are my arms tired... You guys will understand that in a few hundred years.
Narrator:
October 11, 1840
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Ash Hollow; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots and edible Plantain leaves.
Entry:
The skull reminded me of Ho Bag. I fucked the eye sockets out of desperation when no one was looking. Decided to leave it there... My lost love.
Need to find some shit for these bitches to eat.
Narrator:
October 13, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Currants and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Black Mustard greens.
Traded 1 mule for 1 shotgun.
Entry:
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 213 pounds of meat.
Found some shit. Eat up fuckers.
Narrator:
October 15, 1840
Our path was blocked by a prairie fire, and we decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
DAMNIT ZEKE! I told you not to play with that fucking fire you ass. Zeke got alittle burned, but he didn't slow us down. We just ran through it. Afterwards, I beat the fuck out of him for starting the fire in the first place. That dumb cunt.
Narrator:
October 26, 1840
Space Pope has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Blackberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Traded 27 pounds of meat for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 gallon jug of whiskey.
Traded 1 pistol for 4 pounds of fresh fruit.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 171 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn. Space Pope gettin' sick again. I'm startin' to worry about him. But, I can't be takin' time to help him out right now. Gotta keep goin'. Only 1500 miles to go!
Traded my suicide pistol in for some fuckin' fruit. Space Pope did that. I think he was wantin' to kill himself, but didn't wanna give in to the pain. I beat him pretty good when I found out.
Got some more food stuffs too. Hopefully that'll shut those kids up. Damn they just keep bitchin'. The trio of doom has this shit under control. S.P., Zeke and Boobs 4eva
Narrator:
October 30, 1840
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Chimney Rock.
Narrator:
November 2, 1840
The fog is as thick as pea soup. I reckon we'll continue as usual.
Traveled past Scotts Bluff this afternoon.
Narrator:
November 3, 1840
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 box of 20 bullets.
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to approach them.
We talked to them.
We were distressed to learn that a thief stole 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 17 pounds of meat. We're going to search for the thief.
We did not find the thief or our supplies.
Encamped a while near Robidoux Pass.
Entry:
That fuckin' mexican bitch lied to me! She stole my shit. Didn't find the thief, but Zeke did have sex with her while we were in negotiations earlier. He's got some kind of virus or something I think, so it'll fuck her up good. Way to shoot your load Zeke!
Narrator:
November 4, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 5, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 6, 1840
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 harmonica for 11 pounds of fresh vegetables.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
We talked to them.
Entry:
Found an engine today. She was bitchin' about some people killin' buffalo. I gave her my harmonica for some veggies. Then I shoved a carrot up her... Hey, we're moving again.
Narrator:
November 7, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 8, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 9, 1840
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn dust. 100 days on the road. Three dead, and everyone hates me. I'm doin' good if I say so myself.
Narrator:
November 10, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 12, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
Damn high price if you ask me. Fuckin' rip off. Fuck this trip is startin' to piss me off.
Narrator:
November 13, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Zeke has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke got sick. Must've been that damn engine. Fucked him over good. His own fault probably. We're gonna just ignore him and hope the problem resolves itself.
Narrator:
November 14, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Entry:
Eternal might've been a harsh word, but damn. Where is this shit comin' from? Faggity might have something to say about eatin' dust... Get it? He's dead. We didn't bury him. HA HA HA! I own you.
Narrator:
November 18, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blackberries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Narrator:
November 19, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Salsify roots and poisonous Locoweed pods.
Narrator:
November 20, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
I told Zeke not to eat those berries, but he was like... "Screw you. You're not the boss of me." Then Space Pope smarted off and said "No, but his daughter sure had you pussy whipped."
I beat the Space Pope senseless. Then I jammed a stick in Zeke's ear while he was asleep. He twitched. It made me feel better.
Narrator:
November 22, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck its been cold lately. Good thing I got some blankets.
Narrator:
November 23, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 183 pounds of meat.
A dangerous beast attacked our party. I was mauled by the animal. I suppose we'll clean and dress the wound.
Entry:
OH FUCK! That shit hurt. I was shootin' some bear and shit in the snow, and a fuckin' lion just jumped out at me. The weird thing, is that Space Pope was riding the mother fucker. I don't know what him and Zeke were doing with a lion in the bushes, but it was fuckin' pissed. God this hurts.
Narrator:
November 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Its still fuckin' cold. Damnit. Why'd we wait and leave in August? That's just fucked up. We could've left sooner, but Ho Bag had ta be a ho bag and fucked it up for everyone with her whoring job back in Independence. Heh, I remember when she fucked her first black man. She was so proud.
Narrator:
November 25, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 26, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 27, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Burdock roots, poisonous Black Nightshade berries and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Plantain leaves, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Currants and edible Rose hips.
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Rose hips.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 28, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker Zeke went off picking berries again. I don't think he knows what the hell he's doing. I threw a couple of poisonous ones in there just to teach him a lesson. But the fucker vomitted in my tent. Damn I was pissed.
Narrator:
December 6, 1840
I have an infection, and we're hoping to apply antiseptic to wound.
Entry:
Damnit. My wound got infected from the cold. Poured some antiseptic in it, burnt like a mother fucker. Man... I want some pussy before I die.
Narrator:
December 8, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The animals are exhausted and can't continue. I've decided to double-team the animals.
One of the oxen was injured. It looks like we'll have to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuckin' animals are just givin' out left and right. I got mauled by a FUCKING LION and I'm still goin'. Shit.
Narrator:
December 10, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 11, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 12, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 13, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 14, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 15, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 20, 1840
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to rest here awhile.
Entry:
Its been so cold... So fucking cold. But, we keep going. The exercise gives us warmth. Atleast thats what the elves tell me. I think I'm starting to go insane. We took a rest. My wound bled into the mouth of a young boy. It was the sexiest thing I ever saw.
Narrator:
December 21, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
We've only got 1 ox left, but we needed the wheel. WE NEEDED IT!
Narrator:
December 22, 1840
One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Told you.
Narrator:
December 23, 1840
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 215 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I feel happy. Its warming up, we've got plenty of food. I'm captain again. There's a cute girl in one of the other wagons that keeps smiling at me. I think I'm gonna give her my seed. I killed some stuff... I'll admit, I've been kinda scared to do it since the lion incident, but ya gotta get back on the horse. Or shoot it. Whatever.
Narrator:
December 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Traded 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit.
Traded 1 blanket for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Entry:
What the hell happened? The meadows froze over instantly. I'm not captain anymore. I got some fruit and vegetables but I don't know why... I don't know why... And that girl I was checkin' out, turns out to be Zeke. What the fuck is happening? Is this wound really that bad?
Narrator:
December 25, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fucking cold... fucking...
Narrator:
December 26, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Traded 6 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Narrator:
December 27, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Narrator:
December 28, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 29, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 30, 1840
Zeke has been suffering from frostbite. We hope to rub affected area with snow.
Entry:
I think the cold helps the frostbite. Everyone else thought I was stupid... We'll show them. Won't we hunny bunny? Oh, let me introduce you to my sister, slutmagic. We've been fucking like rabbits. She's having my baby in a month. We just started having sex yesterday... This new world is amazing.
Narrator:
December 31, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We suffered a terrible loss. Space Pope froze to death. We plan to provide a proper burial.
Entry:
I cried today. I molested a dead man's ass too. And my tears froze. And my jizz froze. And my sister disappeared with our baby. Space Pope, you will be missed... God, I don't know how much longer I can hold out... But I'm doin' who I can. I mean, what I can. Well, both. Whatever. Goodbye to you Space Pope, you were always there for the reach-around.
Narrator:
January 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're goi
Entry:ng to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke's gettin' sick again. I think its just him missin' Pope. But, Zeke's always healed himself before. This should be no different.
Narrator:
January 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 4, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 5, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 6, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 8, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 9, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 10, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Its cold.
This is, Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission; to seek out new life and new civilizations. To 'Boldly Go'. A place no man has gone before. My anus.
I'm having visions of the future. They're sexy. Black women in short skirts. I'm all about that. Uhura you whore!
Narrator:
January 11, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 12, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 13, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 14, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 15, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Fuckin', why do they tease me?! I keep expecting to wake up back in Independence and this all have been a bad acid trip.
Fucked our last oxen earlier today. Zeke watched. Me and him's alone now... Don't know how we're gonna make it through.
Narrator:
January 16, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 17, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck Zeke... Don't you leave me too. Everyone leaves me. My rubber duck. My sister. Uhura... What the fuck man? I wish Space Pope were here. He'd fix you right good.
Narrator:
January 18, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 19, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 20, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 21, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 22, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 23, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 24, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 25, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Zeke started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Drink it Zeke. DRINK IT DAMNIT.
Narrator:
February 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 4, 1841
Zeke has been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to go look for edible plants.
Entry:
I'm not a hobbit. I can't find no damn plants.
Narrator:
February 5, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 6, 1841
We suffered a terrible loss. Zeke has died. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
ZEKE! Damnit... What have I done? This is all my fault... Its ALL MY FAULT! FUCKIN' BOOBIES!
Narrator:
February 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My last moments will always be remembered... I'm freezing... My tears are like shards of ice on cold skin. A mouth covers my penis with sucking motions... Who's doing that? Damnit Jeb, get the fuck out of here. I'm dying you ass.
This is the end for me. I ran everyone I cared about into death. I hope that someday, they can forgive me while I rot in hell for what I've done.
Ah fuck it. God ain't forgiving me. I did it. I loved it. Jeb get back in here and get to work! Goodnight cruel world... Boobs McGillis lea~
Narrator:
February 8, 1841
Boobs McGillis died.
This is the story of Boobs McGillis and his travels with Zeke (Age: 30), Space Pope (25), Dickle (18), Ho Bag (10), and Faggity (65).
Narrator:
July 31, 1840
Here begins the journal of Boobs McGillis, formerly a journalist. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Willamette Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Narrator:
August 1, 1840
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
We will have to eat less each day.
Traded 1 dollar for 30 pounds of bacon.
Traded 7 dollars for 1 spare wagon axle.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 set of cooking utensils.
Traded 30 pounds of bacon for 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Traded 1 spare wagon axle for 60 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 dollars for 1 harmonica.
Traded 9 dollars for 4 blankets.
Traded 71 dollars for 1 grandfather clock.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 4-oz. bottles of ipecac.
Traded 5 dollars for 2 pairs of long underwear.
Traded 3 dollars for 3 pairs of shoes.
Traded 151 dollars for 4 mules.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 ax.
Traded 28 dollars for 8 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 1 dollar for 3 16-oz. bottles of ammonia.
Traded 114 dollars for 1 shotgun.
Traded 24 dollars for 7 boxes of 20 bullets.
Traded 7 dollars for 30 pounds of meat.
Traded 8 dollars for 4 chickens.
Traded 18 dollars for 1 pistol.
Traded 188 dollars for 16 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder.
Traded 127 dollars for 1 rifle.
Traded 1 dollar for 1 dress.
Traded 27 dollars for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Traded 1 spare wagon wheel for 1 guitar.
Traded 1 grandfather clock for 1 mule.
Traded 2 mules for 5 oxen.
Came to Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Westport.
Saw some Indians in the distance not far from New Santa Fe. No incident, but some concern.
Entry:
Four days until my birthday. This should be some good travelin'. Those hookers over in the west sure do sound like fun. I'm bringin' a few people along so that if I run out of food I can go cannibal on their ass. Oh, and my ten year old daughter for the boys to fight over. Hell, its a long trip. I might hafta disown her and have a go myself!
Narrator:
August 2, 1840
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Camped today near Lone Elm.
Entry:
Man, this trip is gonna be fuckin' pimp. I'm gonna be fuckin' captain. That means I'm in charge bitches! You hear that out there? I'M THE MAN!
Narrator:
August 3, 1840
Got a late start; passed Blue Mound.
Not much goin' on today it seems. Two days until my birthday. We gonna have a big blow out.
Narrator:
August 4, 1840
A sudden thunderstorm caught us on the trail. I decided it is best to continue as usual.
Entry:
Alittle rain never hurt anyone. The lightning was pretty. We shoved a metal pole up our chicken's ass to see if he'd get shocked. To our disappointment, he just bled alittle. It was sexy though.
Narrator:
August 5, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to slow down.
Entry:
Go Boobs, its your birthday. Fuckin' awesome. Its hot, but damn we got plastered and shit. It was great. Zeke had his way with my daughter Ho Bag. That kinda pissed me off... And, one of the mother fuckers in the third wagon didn't get me a present. We'll see what he says when we cross the next river... Dumb son of a bitch.
Narrator:
August 6, 1840
Reached another prominent landmark today: Kansas River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
Travelin' today is goin' well. My daughter looks good in that dress... Fuck, I gotta stop thinkin' like that. This isn't England.
Narrator:
August 7, 1840
We swamped the wagon in the river and lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 5 pounds of bacon; 2 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 chicken; 3 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; and various other items.
Entry:
Damnit... We lost the chicken. And a bottle of my brandy. I was pissed. I shanked that guy that didn't get me a present. He regretted it. I found out later, he had gotten me the chicken we lost and wasn't gonna tell me until we were alone. That fag. I'm glad I stabbed him.
Narrator:
August 8, 1840
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
Fuckin' woot.
Narrator:
August 9, 1840
Saw an empty wagon abandoned on the trail today near Red Vermillion River. If it could talk, what stories it might tell!
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Oh we forded that mother fucker. It was awesome. I tripped Ho Bag. She hit her head on a rock. It was great. Then Zeke raped her. That kinda ruined the mood, but it was fun to watch anyway
Narrator:
August 10, 1840
Saw a mountain lion not far from Scott Spring.
Entry:
Damn lion... Makes me wanna have sex with something. Cats are naturally sexified.
I'm startin' to notice, ten days on the road now, that we have a shit load of mexicans traveling with us. Maybe that lion will come visit?
Narrator:
August 12, 1840
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Alcove Spring.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Saw Big Blue River, sight is most reassuring.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Some people been complainin' about those ten-hour days. I think I'll work 'em a bit harder to keep up morale.
Narrator:
August 13, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. bottle of brandy; 2 pounds of bacon; 1 4-oz. bottle of ipecac; 1 pair of shoes; 1 ax; and various other items.
jWe suffered a terrible loss. Faggity drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
Wow. Just when I think I'm not workin' 'em enough, they let the damn wagon tip over in five ft. deep water? Those fucking pansies. Oh, they're gonna pay. And Faggity died. That dumb shit. He was fuckin' six foot tall. And he drown in five foot deep water? Hell, we knew he was drownin'. We just watched. Figured if he was stupid enough to not stand up, he deserved death. We left his carcass in the river. The fish will thank us someday.
Narrator:
August 15, 1840
It's mighty hot today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
August 16, 1840
The weather turned mighty hot, so we're planning to continue as usual.
The morale in our wagon party is low. We are hoping to continue.
Entry:
Those mother fuckers are driving me nuts. Complainin' and shit... Wahh, its hot. Lets rest.. Fuck them. They should've enjoyed the river some more. Like Faggity. Damn.
Narrator:
August 17, 1840
Ho Bag came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Another step on the trail; today we reached The Narrows.
Entry:
Continue is damn right. If she's sick, I ain't tappin' that ass. Zeke hit it though... I tried to warn him, but he was already poundin' away. She sneezed on his junk. It was pretty gross.
Narrator:
August 19, 1840
Ho Bag has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
I threw some water at the bitch. Figured it'd wake her up. Zeke's still lookin' at her kinda funny... I hope he ain't plannin' to run off with her.
Narrator:
August 20, 1840
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of "The Coast of Nebraska".
Entry:
It looked like balls. Wet ones.
Narrator:
August 22, 1840
We lost a chicken today.
Entry:
Zeke had sex with it. I don't know why... I guess because he's startin' to show signs of gettin' sick too. But, he ain't sayin' nothing yet. He's a strong one.
Narrator:
September 3, 1840
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 191 pounds of meat.
Traded 1 dress for 1 thermometer.
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia.
Traded 8 pounds of meat for 1 12-oz. bottle of magnesia.
Entry:
Yeah, everyone was pretty tired, we were out of food. So, we had a fourteen day rest and I shot some shit. It was good times.
Had ta trade Ho Bag's only dress for a thermometer. She's runnin' around naked. Its pissin' Zeke off. After we found out she's really sick, I had to give up some bullets and my man meat for some curative shit. I dunno if I got the right stuff, but damnit she better like it.
Narrator:
September 4, 1840
We will travel eight hours/day from now on.
We will have heartier meals.
Entry:
Figured I'd get those assfucks to shut up. Zeke seemed happy, but Ho Bag ain't lookin' so good. I'm gonna go touch her in some fun places. See if it makes her feel better.
Nope.
Narrator:
September 6, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Pear pads, edible Salsify roots, edible Black Mustard greens and edible Currants.
Entry:
Forced Ho Bag to cook for us. She did pretty good for someone that kept throwin' up. Maybe I shouldn't have worked her so hard...
Narrator:
September 7, 1840
We suffered a terrible loss. Ho Bag died. We plan to continue immediately.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Zeke was pissed. He got everyone to rebel again' me. I'm just kinda... taggin' along now. We went to bury the body and we couldn't find it... I think Zeke took her, but I'm not sure. He's a sick man... Dickle has been workin' pretty hard lately. If I were still captain, I'd hook him up with some slut. But, alas...
Narrator:
September 11, 1840
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Plum Creek. If I were superstitious, I'd call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Heh. Those buzzards looked funny. I think they're following us 'cause of Zeke. I'll look into it.
Narrator:
September 15, 1840
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to continue as usual.
Entry:
New captain is as cold as I was. No food, no water, walkin' all damn day. It sucks. Is this how I was treatin' people? Man, I deserve to've been excommunicated from the church.
Narrator:
September 21, 1840
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker. He's goin' the same way Ho Bag did. And I know why... He's still doin' her! I saw that wagon rockin' last night and I knew what was goin' on. I just didn't wanna admit it. Shit. What a way to go.
Narrator:
September 22, 1840
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 water keg.
Entry:
Space Pope was bitchin' about not having any food. I slapped him and said that the captain knows what's best. He shut up, and I killed a mule and fed him its penis. He liked it. Said it tasted like bratwurst.
Narrator:
September 23, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
Entry:
Typhus? The fuck is that? No one here knew how to treat it, so we threw a bucket of water on him and kept goin'. He doesn't look so good.
Narrator:
September 24, 1840
Nooned near O'Fallon's Bluffs.
Narrator:
September 25, 1840
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Those motherfuckers came crawlin' back. I'm gonna be alittle nicer. They only accepted me because I found the rotting corpse of Ho Bag in Zeke's wagon. Man, that guy... I swear. Apparently, Dickle had alittle of her too. I dunno who got sloppy seconds, but Dickle still looks pretty fucked up. I hope they both die.
Narrator:
September 26, 1840
It seems Dickle has typhus. We decided to keep patient cool and moist.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
I threw another bucket of water on him, and they kicked me out again. What the fuck? These guys don't know what the hell they're doin'. I'm thinkin' about running off to live with the Indians. They's got hot bitches.
Narrator:
September 28, 1840
A very sad day, Dickle has died. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Poor Dickle. Apparently, he had eaten out Ho Bag, pre-death. He told us right before he was going to die, but I shot that mother fucker first. Damnit. Ho Bag was supposed to be mine. I didn't even get laid. Fuck.
Narrator:
September 29, 1840
Space Pope has scarlet fever, and we're planning to increase fluid intake.
Entry:
Now my buddy Space Pope is falling ill. He's got something else though. I think it came from those engines we raped a few miles back... Maybe those bushes we buried them under were poisonous after all... I'll try to help him out as best I can.
Narrator:
October 5, 1840
Just learned that one of the oxen was injured. We're going to continue as usual.
Made an early start this morning; passed South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
It looked like a good idea at the time.
Narrator:
October 6, 1840
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 9 pounds of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 192 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Clearly I was wrong.
Narrator:
October 7, 1840
Entry:
Space Pope is feeling alittle better today. I think he's gonna make it. Zeke on the other hand... I beat the fuck out of him after I got drunk. He cried like a bitch, so I hit him some more and forced him to eat some mule shit. He liked it. Ate some more, threw up, and now he's throwin' it at some of the kids that ain't died yet. Zeke's fucked in the head man.
We gonna climb this hill tomorrow.
Narrator:
October 8, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 set of cooking utensils; 1 blanket; 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 16 pounds of meat and various other items.
Entry:
Fuck. If at first you don't succeed...
Narrator:
October 9, 1840
We tipped the wagon and lost 3 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Fuck. Just, fuck.
Narrator:
October 10, 1840
Passed the five hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
And boy are my arms tired... You guys will understand that in a few hundred years.
Narrator:
October 11, 1840
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Ash Hollow; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots and edible Plantain leaves.
Entry:
The skull reminded me of Ho Bag. I fucked the eye sockets out of desperation when no one was looking. Decided to leave it there... My lost love.
Need to find some shit for these bitches to eat.
Narrator:
October 13, 1840
Went gathering. We found edible Currants and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Black Mustard greens.
Traded 1 mule for 1 shotgun.
Entry:
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 213 pounds of meat.
Found some shit. Eat up fuckers.
Narrator:
October 15, 1840
Our path was blocked by a prairie fire, and we decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
DAMNIT ZEKE! I told you not to play with that fucking fire you ass. Zeke got alittle burned, but he didn't slow us down. We just ran through it. Afterwards, I beat the fuck out of him for starting the fire in the first place. That dumb cunt.
Narrator:
October 26, 1840
Space Pope has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Courthouse and Jail Rocks.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Blackberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Ground Cherry berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Traded 27 pounds of meat for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 gallon jug of whiskey.
Traded 1 pistol for 4 pounds of fresh fruit.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 171 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Damn. Space Pope gettin' sick again. I'm startin' to worry about him. But, I can't be takin' time to help him out right now. Gotta keep goin'. Only 1500 miles to go!
Traded my suicide pistol in for some fuckin' fruit. Space Pope did that. I think he was wantin' to kill himself, but didn't wanna give in to the pain. I beat him pretty good when I found out.
Got some more food stuffs too. Hopefully that'll shut those kids up. Damn they just keep bitchin'. The trio of doom has this shit under control. S.P., Zeke and Boobs 4eva
Narrator:
October 30, 1840
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Chimney Rock.
Narrator:
November 2, 1840
The fog is as thick as pea soup. I reckon we'll continue as usual.
Traveled past Scotts Bluff this afternoon.
Narrator:
November 3, 1840
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 shotgun for 1 box of 20 bullets.
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to approach them.
We talked to them.
We were distressed to learn that a thief stole 1 box of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 17 pounds of meat. We're going to search for the thief.
We did not find the thief or our supplies.
Encamped a while near Robidoux Pass.
Entry:
That fuckin' mexican bitch lied to me! She stole my shit. Didn't find the thief, but Zeke did have sex with her while we were in negotiations earlier. He's got some kind of virus or something I think, so it'll fuck her up good. Way to shoot your load Zeke!
Narrator:
November 4, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 5, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 6, 1840
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Traded 1 harmonica for 11 pounds of fresh vegetables.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
We talked to them.
Entry:
Found an engine today. She was bitchin' about some people killin' buffalo. I gave her my harmonica for some veggies. Then I shoved a carrot up her... Hey, we're moving again.
Narrator:
November 7, 1840
We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 8, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 9, 1840
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn dust. 100 days on the road. Three dead, and everyone hates me. I'm doin' good if I say so myself.
Narrator:
November 10, 1840
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 12, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
Damn high price if you ask me. Fuckin' rip off. Fuck this trip is startin' to piss me off.
Narrator:
November 13, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Zeke has cholera. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke got sick. Must've been that damn engine. Fucked him over good. His own fault probably. We're gonna just ignore him and hope the problem resolves itself.
Narrator:
November 14, 1840
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.
Entry:
Eternal might've been a harsh word, but damn. Where is this shit comin' from? Faggity might have something to say about eatin' dust... Get it? He's dead. We didn't bury him. HA HA HA! I own you.
Narrator:
November 18, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Blackberries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Narrator:
November 19, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Salsify roots and poisonous Locoweed pods.
Narrator:
November 20, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
I told Zeke not to eat those berries, but he was like... "Screw you. You're not the boss of me." Then Space Pope smarted off and said "No, but his daughter sure had you pussy whipped."
I beat the Space Pope senseless. Then I jammed a stick in Zeke's ear while he was asleep. He twitched. It made me feel better.
Narrator:
November 22, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck its been cold lately. Good thing I got some blankets.
Narrator:
November 23, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 183 pounds of meat.
A dangerous beast attacked our party. I was mauled by the animal. I suppose we'll clean and dress the wound.
Entry:
OH FUCK! That shit hurt. I was shootin' some bear and shit in the snow, and a fuckin' lion just jumped out at me. The weird thing, is that Space Pope was riding the mother fucker. I don't know what him and Zeke were doing with a lion in the bushes, but it was fuckin' pissed. God this hurts.
Narrator:
November 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Its still fuckin' cold. Damnit. Why'd we wait and leave in August? That's just fucked up. We could've left sooner, but Ho Bag had ta be a ho bag and fucked it up for everyone with her whoring job back in Independence. Heh, I remember when she fucked her first black man. She was so proud.
Narrator:
November 25, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 26, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 27, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Burdock roots, poisonous Black Nightshade berries and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Plantain leaves, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Currants and edible Rose hips.
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Chokecherries and edible Rose hips.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
November 28, 1840
Zeke has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
That fucker Zeke went off picking berries again. I don't think he knows what the hell he's doing. I threw a couple of poisonous ones in there just to teach him a lesson. But the fucker vomitted in my tent. Damn I was pissed.
Narrator:
December 6, 1840
I have an infection, and we're hoping to apply antiseptic to wound.
Entry:
Damnit. My wound got infected from the cold. Poured some antiseptic in it, burnt like a mother fucker. Man... I want some pussy before I die.
Narrator:
December 8, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The animals are exhausted and can't continue. I've decided to double-team the animals.
One of the oxen was injured. It looks like we'll have to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuckin' animals are just givin' out left and right. I got mauled by a FUCKING LION and I'm still goin'. Shit.
Narrator:
December 10, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 11, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 12, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 13, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 14, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 15, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 20, 1840
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to rest here awhile.
Entry:
Its been so cold... So fucking cold. But, we keep going. The exercise gives us warmth. Atleast thats what the elves tell me. I think I'm starting to go insane. We took a rest. My wound bled into the mouth of a young boy. It was the sexiest thing I ever saw.
Narrator:
December 21, 1840
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Entry:
We've only got 1 ox left, but we needed the wheel. WE NEEDED IT!
Narrator:
December 22, 1840
One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Told you.
Narrator:
December 23, 1840
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 215 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I feel happy. Its warming up, we've got plenty of food. I'm captain again. There's a cute girl in one of the other wagons that keeps smiling at me. I think I'm gonna give her my seed. I killed some stuff... I'll admit, I've been kinda scared to do it since the lion incident, but ya gotta get back on the horse. Or shoot it. Whatever.
Narrator:
December 24, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The members of the wagon train dismissed me as captain. I plan to continue as a greenhorn.
Traded 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried fruit.
Traded 1 blanket for 5 5-lb. sacks of dried vegetables.
Entry:
What the hell happened? The meadows froze over instantly. I'm not captain anymore. I got some fruit and vegetables but I don't know why... I don't know why... And that girl I was checkin' out, turns out to be Zeke. What the fuck is happening? Is this wound really that bad?
Narrator:
December 25, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fucking cold... fucking...
Narrator:
December 26, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Traded 6 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon wheel.
Narrator:
December 27, 1840
Broke a wagon wheel today. We will trade for a replacement.
Narrator:
December 28, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 29, 1840
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
December 30, 1840
Zeke has been suffering from frostbite. We hope to rub affected area with snow.
Entry:
I think the cold helps the frostbite. Everyone else thought I was stupid... We'll show them. Won't we hunny bunny? Oh, let me introduce you to my sister, slutmagic. We've been fucking like rabbits. She's having my baby in a month. We just started having sex yesterday... This new world is amazing.
Narrator:
December 31, 1840
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
We suffered a terrible loss. Space Pope froze to death. We plan to provide a proper burial.
Entry:
I cried today. I molested a dead man's ass too. And my tears froze. And my jizz froze. And my sister disappeared with our baby. Space Pope, you will be missed... God, I don't know how much longer I can hold out... But I'm doin' who I can. I mean, what I can. Well, both. Whatever. Goodbye to you Space Pope, you were always there for the reach-around.
Narrator:
January 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're goi
Entry:ng to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Zeke's gettin' sick again. I think its just him missin' Pope. But, Zeke's always healed himself before. This should be no different.
Narrator:
January 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 4, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 5, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 6, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 8, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 9, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 10, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
I have been reelected as captain of the wagon train. At this time, I plan to accept position of captain.
Entry:
Its cold.
This is, Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Its five year mission; to seek out new life and new civilizations. To 'Boldly Go'. A place no man has gone before. My anus.
I'm having visions of the future. They're sexy. Black women in short skirts. I'm all about that. Uhura you whore!
Narrator:
January 11, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 12, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 13, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 14, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 15, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Fuckin', why do they tease me?! I keep expecting to wake up back in Independence and this all have been a bad acid trip.
Fucked our last oxen earlier today. Zeke watched. Me and him's alone now... Don't know how we're gonna make it through.
Narrator:
January 16, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 17, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Fuck Zeke... Don't you leave me too. Everyone leaves me. My rubber duck. My sister. Uhura... What the fuck man? I wish Space Pope were here. He'd fix you right good.
Narrator:
January 18, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 19, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 20, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 21, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 22, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 23, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 24, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
January 25, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 1, 1841
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 2, 1841
Zeke came down with a bad cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Zeke started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Drink it Zeke. DRINK IT DAMNIT.
Narrator:
February 3, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 4, 1841
Zeke has been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to go look for edible plants.
Entry:
I'm not a hobbit. I can't find no damn plants.
Narrator:
February 5, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
It is mighty cold today. We're going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
February 6, 1841
We suffered a terrible loss. Zeke has died. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
ZEKE! Damnit... What have I done? This is all my fault... Its ALL MY FAULT! FUCKIN' BOOBIES!
Narrator:
February 7, 1841
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
My last moments will always be remembered... I'm freezing... My tears are like shards of ice on cold skin. A mouth covers my penis with sucking motions... Who's doing that? Damnit Jeb, get the fuck out of here. I'm dying you ass.
This is the end for me. I ran everyone I cared about into death. I hope that someday, they can forgive me while I rot in hell for what I've done.
Ah fuck it. God ain't forgiving me. I did it. I loved it. Jeb get back in here and get to work! Goodnight cruel world... Boobs McGillis lea~
Narrator:
February 8, 1841
Boobs McGillis died.
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Candy Expedition
The Candy Expidition
Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Little Girl: 5
Grampa: 65
Wifey: 16
Kain Vinosec: 30
Keith: 25
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
Howdy yall! My name is Walter Graves, and I'm gonna travel this here trail to Oregon with my two friends: Kain and Keith, and my family: Grampa, Wifey, and Little Girl. Lotta people ask me why I dun name Little Girl. But I dun named her Little Girl. She only 5, ain't like she know I ain't give shit'none 'bout 'er. I mean I dun even know my wifes name, or even my father's name. I tell ya, I could give 'shit less 'bout their names. But Keith and Kain are great friends, and they dun never betray me.
- Walter Graves
I'm gonna fuck his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 4 horses, 4 mules, 18 oxen.
Purchased 26 pounds of candy, 40 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 35 16-oz. jars of honey, 30 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 40 16-oz. jars of molasses, 135 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 35 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 19 16-oz. jars of honey, 17 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 35 16-oz. jars of molasses, 150 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 8 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy, 30 16-oz. jars of honey, 29 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 45 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 40 16-oz. jars of honey, 27 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 28 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 19 pounds of candy.
Purchased 27 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy.
Purchased 23 pounds of candy.
Purchased 40 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 22 pounds of candy.
Happened upon a fresh grave near Blue River. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Reached another prominent landmark today: Westport.
Entry:
Well I dun stocked up on enough candy to last me the entire trip I reckon. I reckon I shant need nothin' more. I got alls I need, plus I got me 4 wagons full of Candy! It's a damn dream come true! I feel like a kid again...all hyper and active...and now I got the itch to go kickin'!
- Walter Graves
...that asshole just kicked me in the balls...
- Kain Vinosec
That fuckface better know not to hit me.
- Keith
What the hells going on? I tol' my boy to get supplies, and he comes back with candy... Oh we ain't gonna survive lord.....
- Grampa
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
Today came to New Santa Fe.
Entry:
No time to stop now! They dun goin't'try to steal my candy!
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Lone Elm.
Entry:
Labors? Who dun wrote that? Kain? I'm gonna kick him again. This be the best trip ever. My lower back hurts for some raison, but I reckon more candy'll do'er good!
- Walter Graves
Man I can go for a steak right now...
- Kain Vinosec
Holy shit, Kain just beat the piss out of Walter.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 4, 1848
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Entry:
I reckon I push my friends too far, turns out, Kain didn't write that cowardly note yesterday...Grampa did. Now that I recall I was makin' Grampa separate the chocolate from the hard candy, he dun slaved most of the day, and it dun did pay off! Now I got two wagons full of chocolate, and two full of hard candy. I reckon I don't know which one to devour first!
- Walter Graves
That bastard nearly killed his own father, and for what? Walter ne'er cared 'bout organization before...
- Wifey
I just took a shit in one of the chocolate wagons.
- Kain
Man this wagon smells mighty curious, but I reckon' chocolate must smell funky aft' couple days in a wagon, in the blisterin' heat. Oh well, I'm gonna sleep in here, where it's all nice and melty like.
- Walter Graves
Walter always had a wonderful imagination, but I don't think he unde'stands how far away Oregon is...
- Wifey
Narrator:
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
Who dun say we out of food? We got damn near a ton of candy still t'eat. I ate most of the chocolate in 'ere last night, I reckon some of it tasted mighty disgusting, but I reckon' that's the heat preserving it's nutrition.
- Walter Graves
Man, I was just joking when I suggested that we take a trip to Oregon with just candy. I thought he was hiding food as a joke y'know? Turns out...that moron took me seriously.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A severe thunderstorm made travel difficult today. We figured we would continue as usual.
The trail brought us to Blue Mound today.
Entry:
I saw Kain goin' into Wifey's wagon, he must be tired of walkin' in the rain, I forgot to buy them a wagon... whoops. I reckon I made them each of my family guard one of the wagons with their lives, incase theives stole my goodies.
I fucked his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
That asshole kicked us out of the wagons! And he's makin us walk, God damn, and I forgot my gun. I'm gonna beat his ass.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We suffered a terrible loss. Grampa has died of starvation. We plan to continue immediately.
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
I reckon I caught Grampy eatin' some of my candy, and had t' beat him. I didn't mean to kill him I swear. It just sort'v panned out that way... Man my back is killin' me.
- Walter Graves
Deer God, he just killed his old man over a piece of candy! Shit...He's going to kill me for sure...
- Kain Vinosec
Wait. I thought he bought the candy for us...
- Keith
I dun explained to Kain and Keith, that the candy is for us, and that my family can fend for themselves....
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
All these complaints about no food. I reckon, I threw a couple hunks off candy off my wagon, into that dirt and let Wifey and Little Girl fight over it. They're actin' like vultures, I ain't know why. God damn do I feel like shit tho!
- Walter
That bastard, we're going to die man. I told Keith we should make a break for it, we can make it back to Independence in a couple days. I can't eat another piece of candy man. I just puked all over the candy in this wagon....
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
A very sad day, Little Girl has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Wifey has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Kain Vinosec and Keith left the bodies of the Graves family on the trail, and made a break for their lives, heading back to Independence. Keith went on to become an inventor and one day disappeared. Kain went on to join a traveling circus, to beat up the clowns when they got out of control.
THE END
Cast:
Walter Graves: 35
Little Girl: 5
Grampa: 65
Wifey: 16
Kain Vinosec: 30
Keith: 25
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
Howdy yall! My name is Walter Graves, and I'm gonna travel this here trail to Oregon with my two friends: Kain and Keith, and my family: Grampa, Wifey, and Little Girl. Lotta people ask me why I dun name Little Girl. But I dun named her Little Girl. She only 5, ain't like she know I ain't give shit'none 'bout 'er. I mean I dun even know my wifes name, or even my father's name. I tell ya, I could give 'shit less 'bout their names. But Keith and Kain are great friends, and they dun never betray me.
- Walter Graves
I'm gonna fuck his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 4 horses, 4 mules, 18 oxen.
Purchased 26 pounds of candy, 40 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 35 16-oz. jars of honey, 30 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 40 16-oz. jars of molasses, 135 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 35 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 19 16-oz. jars of honey, 17 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 35 16-oz. jars of molasses, 150 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 8 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy, 30 16-oz. jars of honey, 29 1-lb. jars of licorice, 30 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 2 Conestoga wagons.
Purchased 7 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 45 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy, 40 16-oz. jars of honey, 27 1-lb. jars of licorice, 35 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 29 16-oz. jars of molasses.
Purchased 28 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 11 pounds of candy.
Purchased 19 pounds of candy.
Purchased 27 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 30 pounds of candy.
Purchased 23 pounds of candy.
Purchased 40 pounds of candy.
Purchased 35 pounds of candy.
Purchased 22 pounds of candy.
Happened upon a fresh grave near Blue River. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Reached another prominent landmark today: Westport.
Entry:
Well I dun stocked up on enough candy to last me the entire trip I reckon. I reckon I shant need nothin' more. I got alls I need, plus I got me 4 wagons full of Candy! It's a damn dream come true! I feel like a kid again...all hyper and active...and now I got the itch to go kickin'!
- Walter Graves
...that asshole just kicked me in the balls...
- Kain Vinosec
That fuckface better know not to hit me.
- Keith
What the hells going on? I tol' my boy to get supplies, and he comes back with candy... Oh we ain't gonna survive lord.....
- Grampa
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
Today came to New Santa Fe.
Entry:
No time to stop now! They dun goin't'try to steal my candy!
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Lone Elm.
Entry:
Labors? Who dun wrote that? Kain? I'm gonna kick him again. This be the best trip ever. My lower back hurts for some raison, but I reckon more candy'll do'er good!
- Walter Graves
Man I can go for a steak right now...
- Kain Vinosec
Holy shit, Kain just beat the piss out of Walter.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 4, 1848
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Entry:
I reckon I push my friends too far, turns out, Kain didn't write that cowardly note yesterday...Grampa did. Now that I recall I was makin' Grampa separate the chocolate from the hard candy, he dun slaved most of the day, and it dun did pay off! Now I got two wagons full of chocolate, and two full of hard candy. I reckon I don't know which one to devour first!
- Walter Graves
That bastard nearly killed his own father, and for what? Walter ne'er cared 'bout organization before...
- Wifey
I just took a shit in one of the chocolate wagons.
- Kain
Man this wagon smells mighty curious, but I reckon' chocolate must smell funky aft' couple days in a wagon, in the blisterin' heat. Oh well, I'm gonna sleep in here, where it's all nice and melty like.
- Walter Graves
Walter always had a wonderful imagination, but I don't think he unde'stands how far away Oregon is...
- Wifey
Narrator:
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
Who dun say we out of food? We got damn near a ton of candy still t'eat. I ate most of the chocolate in 'ere last night, I reckon some of it tasted mighty disgusting, but I reckon' that's the heat preserving it's nutrition.
- Walter Graves
Man, I was just joking when I suggested that we take a trip to Oregon with just candy. I thought he was hiding food as a joke y'know? Turns out...that moron took me seriously.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A severe thunderstorm made travel difficult today. We figured we would continue as usual.
The trail brought us to Blue Mound today.
Entry:
I saw Kain goin' into Wifey's wagon, he must be tired of walkin' in the rain, I forgot to buy them a wagon... whoops. I reckon I made them each of my family guard one of the wagons with their lives, incase theives stole my goodies.
I fucked his wife.
- Kain Vinosec
That asshole kicked us out of the wagons! And he's makin us walk, God damn, and I forgot my gun. I'm gonna beat his ass.
- Keith
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We suffered a terrible loss. Grampa has died of starvation. We plan to continue immediately.
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Entry:
I reckon I caught Grampy eatin' some of my candy, and had t' beat him. I didn't mean to kill him I swear. It just sort'v panned out that way... Man my back is killin' me.
- Walter Graves
Deer God, he just killed his old man over a piece of candy! Shit...He's going to kill me for sure...
- Kain Vinosec
Wait. I thought he bought the candy for us...
- Keith
I dun explained to Kain and Keith, that the candy is for us, and that my family can fend for themselves....
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
All these complaints about no food. I reckon, I threw a couple hunks off candy off my wagon, into that dirt and let Wifey and Little Girl fight over it. They're actin' like vultures, I ain't know why. God damn do I feel like shit tho!
- Walter
That bastard, we're going to die man. I told Keith we should make a break for it, we can make it back to Independence in a couple days. I can't eat another piece of candy man. I just puked all over the candy in this wagon....
- Kain Vinosec
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to kill a draft animal for food.
A very sad day, Little Girl has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Wifey has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Kain Vinosec and Keith left the bodies of the Graves family on the trail, and made a break for their lives, heading back to Independence. Keith went on to become an inventor and one day disappeared. Kain went on to join a traveling circus, to beat up the clowns when they got out of control.
THE END
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Go With Christ
Go With Christ
Cast:
Walter Graves: 40
Aiden: 5
Nicholi: 12
Moses: 65
Eve Christ: 20
Paul: 35
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a teacher. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our small farmwagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Entry:
I, Walter Graves, have accepted the word and praise of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I here reckon that me and my family are going to travel this here trail on nothin' but the prayers and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. People have been praying to me all day, especially when I tell them of my plans. I reckon' when me and my family reach Oregon, no one will doubt the word of God ever again. I tell ya, there is no need for tools, food, or even water if you have enough faith in God. We will leave first thing tomorry.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 oxen, 2 horses, 2 mules.
Saw a mountain lion not far from Blue River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
These nonbelievers tried to beg us to take goods with us! I dun tell them to stay away from my family, lest God himself strike down and smite their family! They are unholy hol'ers!
- Walter Graves
P.S. I dun swear no more neither.
I decided to do like the Great Noah, and buy two of each animal necessary for travel. I feel holier than thou already!
- Walter Graves
I will prove, that with enough faith in God, he will part the waters...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
We lost nothing when our wagon became swamped in the river.
Entry:
Darnit! I guess Moses didn't pray hard enough, I caned him infront of everybody to make an example out of him, to show what happens when you don't pray in my family!
- Walter
Well, looks like we didn't dun lose nothin' seein' as we brought nothin'. I ain't lose faith neither.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Westport.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
From now on, eight hours of travel per day.
We will be more frugal with our food.
Entry:
We had a little delay, and I apologize oh Lord! I dun did as you commanded, and made Aiden pray after a strict caning for his misdeeds, because he doesn't have as much faith in God as me.
- Walter Graves
No time to stop here, I say any stop will only anger God. I say eat the words of the Lord, that's what I've been doin'.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from New Santa Fe; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
We will eat better from now on.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Entry:
Oh tarnations! My whole family is turnin' out t' be a bunch of ungreatful sinners! I had to beat Nicholi for asking the other folk in this nice wagon train for their food! Who does he think he is? He's 12 years old, I dun have him chained up now in my wagon starin at a bible. Eve has that look of hunger in her eyes, but I say if she dun have as much faith as me, then I reckon she can go burn in hell with the rest of 'em.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Moses has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Lone Elm.
Entry:
Looks like Moses didn't have enough faith in God aft'all. I dun left him rotting in the dirt, like he dun be rotting in hell right now for doubting the word of the Lord. I say, this is the true testament of our faith in Jesus, if I don't make it, then I failed too, but I ain't hungry yet. I reckon' my faith in God is enough to pull me through good.
- Walter Graves
I watched Nicholi kick the corpse, and condemn it to hell. I dun raise my boy good! Almos' brings a tear to my eye.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
A very sad day, Aiden has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Today my youngest son died of starvation. Well I tell you, like I dun tell Eve, at least we didn't abort him.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
'Nuff of this starvation bit, I reckon I feelin' great! I got this weird lump growin' on my stomach, but I reckon' that's the evil being cast out from my soul! I knew God'd hear my prayers!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Nicholi has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Eve Christ has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Entry:
They're all a bunch of sinners! Oh God, how could I have been so blind that my family dun didn't believe in you? I'll make it Lord, you know I wi....
- Walter Graves
The Graves family were left on the dirt trail as Walter had demanded had they not succeeded their voyage of faith.
The End
Cast:
Walter Graves: 40
Aiden: 5
Nicholi: 12
Moses: 65
Eve Christ: 20
Paul: 35
Narrator:
April 30, 1848
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a teacher. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City. We must still purchase the supplies that our small farmwagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
Entry:
I, Walter Graves, have accepted the word and praise of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I here reckon that me and my family are going to travel this here trail on nothin' but the prayers and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. People have been praying to me all day, especially when I tell them of my plans. I reckon' when me and my family reach Oregon, no one will doubt the word of God ever again. I tell ya, there is no need for tools, food, or even water if you have enough faith in God. We will leave first thing tomorry.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 1, 1848
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 2 oxen, 2 horses, 2 mules.
Saw a mountain lion not far from Blue River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
These nonbelievers tried to beg us to take goods with us! I dun tell them to stay away from my family, lest God himself strike down and smite their family! They are unholy hol'ers!
- Walter Graves
P.S. I dun swear no more neither.
I decided to do like the Great Noah, and buy two of each animal necessary for travel. I feel holier than thou already!
- Walter Graves
I will prove, that with enough faith in God, he will part the waters...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 2, 1848
We lost nothing when our wagon became swamped in the river.
Entry:
Darnit! I guess Moses didn't pray hard enough, I caned him infront of everybody to make an example out of him, to show what happens when you don't pray in my family!
- Walter
Well, looks like we didn't dun lose nothin' seein' as we brought nothin'. I ain't lose faith neither.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 3, 1848
Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Westport.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
From now on, eight hours of travel per day.
We will be more frugal with our food.
Entry:
We had a little delay, and I apologize oh Lord! I dun did as you commanded, and made Aiden pray after a strict caning for his misdeeds, because he doesn't have as much faith in God as me.
- Walter Graves
No time to stop here, I say any stop will only anger God. I say eat the words of the Lord, that's what I've been doin'.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 5, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from New Santa Fe; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.
We will eat better from now on.
From now on, no stopping until we are ready to drop in our tracks.
Entry:
Oh tarnations! My whole family is turnin' out t' be a bunch of ungreatful sinners! I had to beat Nicholi for asking the other folk in this nice wagon train for their food! Who does he think he is? He's 12 years old, I dun have him chained up now in my wagon starin at a bible. Eve has that look of hunger in her eyes, but I say if she dun have as much faith as me, then I reckon she can go burn in hell with the rest of 'em.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 6, 1848
Our food supplies are gone and we are near starvation. We'll have to continue.
Narrator:
May 7, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Moses has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Lone Elm.
Entry:
Looks like Moses didn't have enough faith in God aft'all. I dun left him rotting in the dirt, like he dun be rotting in hell right now for doubting the word of the Lord. I say, this is the true testament of our faith in Jesus, if I don't make it, then I failed too, but I ain't hungry yet. I reckon' my faith in God is enough to pull me through good.
- Walter Graves
I watched Nicholi kick the corpse, and condemn it to hell. I dun raise my boy good! Almos' brings a tear to my eye.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 8, 1848
A very sad day, Aiden has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Entry:
Today my youngest son died of starvation. Well I tell you, like I dun tell Eve, at least we didn't abort him.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 9, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
Entry:
'Nuff of this starvation bit, I reckon I feelin' great! I got this weird lump growin' on my stomach, but I reckon' that's the evil being cast out from my soul! I knew God'd hear my prayers!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1848
We are near starvation because we have no food. I've decided to continue.
A very sad day, Nicholi has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
A very sad day, Eve Christ has died of starvation. We will continue immediately.
Walter Graves died.
Entry:
They're all a bunch of sinners! Oh God, how could I have been so blind that my family dun didn't believe in you? I'll make it Lord, you know I wi....
- Walter Graves
The Graves family were left on the dirt trail as Walter had demanded had they not succeeded their voyage of faith.
The End
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Fear and Loathing on The Oregon Trail
Cast:
Walter Graves 35
Wifey 17
Little Girl 5
Narration:
April 30, 1843
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Sacramento River Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
My name is Walter, Walter Graves, and I declare that I will survive this trail alone, people say I'm a foo and they question how I'm goin' it alone if I'm takin my wife and daughter with me... Let's just say I forgot to pay some taxes and I aint got no choice but to leave now cuz a couple rounds of fisticuffs and a good guffin' turned into a couple fellony's that well, let's just say put a few families in the dirt! and abou' me bringin' my fam'ly...well lets just say there's ways to get rid of em...
- Walter Graves
I'm gonna stock up on whiskey, bacon and laudanum tomorry, I reckon.
- Walter
Papa says we goin to Heaven!
- Little Girl
Narration:
May 1, 1843
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 4 horses, 2 mules, 14 oxen.
Purchased 750 pounds of bacon, 1 pair of boots, 150 pounds of coffee beans, 1 guitar, 200 pounds of ham, 1 harmonica, 1 hat, 20 16-oz. jars of honey, 4 16-oz. tins of lantern oil, 1 pair of long underwear, 27 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 18 boxes of matches, 1 pair of mittens, 25 16-oz. jars of molasses, 50 pounds of salt pork, 1 set of clothing, 40 5-lb. sacks of tobacco, 1 winter coat, 1 winter scarf.
Purchased 3 8-oz. jars of aloe vera, 4 8-oz. bottles of alum, 5 16-oz. bottles of ammonia, 4 16-oz. boxes of borax, 18 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 5 4-oz. bottles of calomel, 3 8-oz. bottles of camomile, 4 4-oz. bottles of camphor, 3 4-oz. bottles of capsicum, 2 16-oz. bottles of castor oil, 5 8-oz. jars of dandelion, 6 8-oz. boxes of Dover's Powder, 6 8-oz. bottles of Duffy's Elixir, 3 12-oz. bottles of epsom salts, 5 8-oz. bottles of hydrogen peroxide, 3 4-oz. bottles of iodine, 5 4-oz. bottles of ipecac, 2 16-oz. bottles of isopropyl alcohol, 5 4-oz. boxes of James Fever Powder, 2 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 5 6-oz. bottles of lecithin, 4 8-oz. bottles of linseed oil, 3 12-oz. bottles of magnesia, 3 16-oz. bottles of olive oil, 7 4-oz. bottles of peppermint, 5 4-oz. bottles of quinine, 3 4-oz. bottles of sarsaparilla, 2 6-oz. bottles of sassafras, 3 4-oz. bottles of spearmint, 4 6-oz. bottles of sulfur, 6 16-oz. bottles of turpentine, 17 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 70 boxes of 20 bullets, 20 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 20 10-lb. sacks of shot, 3 rifles, 1 pistol.
Purchased 775 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 18 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 10 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 5 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 875 pounds of bacon, 30 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 9 16-oz. bottles of brandy,
8 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 17 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 7 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 6 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 3 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 12 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 10 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 11 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 5 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 11 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 650 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 10 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 8 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 12 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Purchased 10 oxen.
Purchased 550 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 9 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 19 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 500 pounds of bacon, 35 boxes of matches, 50 5-lb. sacks of tobacco.
Purchased 2 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 13 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Entry:
I tol' Wifey to shut up and smack'd her good in her face cuz she naggin' bout how too much bacon' bad for the heart. I tell her that she dun nothin' but a bitch. So then I punched her good! Should' see the black eye I gave'd 'er
- Walter Graves
I aint need this frustration tho, soon it'll just be me, the trail, and a shit load of bacon. Oh I can't wait til they're dead!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 2, 1843
Purchased 6 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 50 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 15 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 4 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 20 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 725 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 750 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 9 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 13 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 10 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 3 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 7 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 12 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 1 4-oz. bottle of laudanum.
Entry:
I dun reckon' that's enough booze, bacon and salt for the trip. Now to kill my family...But I won't waste the bullets from my .357 Magnum on their hethen asses. No sir I won't ruin my great name for that. I'm gonna do what them rich folk do when they don't like no 'ne
I got me a couple horses, and brought my own Vincent Black Shadow alon' with me, she's the only one I wanted t' travel with.
- Walter Graves
And wait no, I don't mean by shootin' em!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 3, 1843
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Misplaced my guidebook at Blue River today. Luckily we found it before leaving.
Decided to ford the river.
Saw a grave dug up by wolves near Westport--bones scattered about. A most distressing sight!
Went gathering. We found edible Rose hips, poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Sunflower seeds and edible Chickory leaves and roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Rose hips, edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Sunflower seeds and edible Salsify roots.
Entry:
Well, today I was elected captain, of this retard'd train of wagons, these people are fools I tell ya. Why? I just wanna be lef' alone! I ain' 'anna do dis shit, so I beat the face of whoeve' I don' rememb' cuz I drank a gallon of whiskey and shot up some laudanum for the ceremon'..I don't think anybod'll mess with me for a while now.
- Walter
Oh my god! I think he killed Little Girl!
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 4, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Currants, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Prairie Poppymallow roots.
Entry:
Damn, no poison today. Rats. I guess' I gotta tolerate these...people...anothe' day.
- Walter
Man that Laudanum really smooves out all the kinks.
- Walter
I was surprised at how well that man can pick berries.
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 5, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Came to New Santa Fe.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Black Nightshade berries, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Rose hips and edible Yucca flowers and pods.
Entry:
You should' seen the look on Little Girl's face when she was pukin'! Oh boy was that a sight! I kicked her good in the stomach to make sure she dun recover! I just wanna be alone dammit!
- Walter
This trip better be worth it dammit...
- Walter
I think that bastard poisoned her... How could he do this to our daughter?
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 6, 1843
Wifey has food poisoning, and we're planning to increase fluid and salt intake.
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Passed Lone Elm.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Sunflower seeds.
Went gathering. We found edible Sumac berries, edible Sow Thistle leaves, poisonous Henbane berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Entry
Woowee! I poisoned Wifey good! Now to finish the job, goin berry pickin' ag'in!
- Walter
Man today took a turn for the shitters, that thunderstorm dun woke me up from a black out I had cuz I decided I better get completely wasted today, cuz I dun reckon' I got in a fight with some..one af'er I poison my wife good, they gave me some guff and I got down and struck them swine good upside the head. Ain't no man mess with me since.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 8, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Currants, edible Chickory leaves and roots, edible Plantain leaves and edible Prickly Pear pads.
entry:
Damn. They still alive? What in tarnations! This trip is gonna be longer than I dun planned.... If I make it and they's alive, I'm turnin' back!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 9, 1843
Today we drove our wagons and teams past Blue Mound.
Entry:
Blue Mound is where I was hopin' to bury my wife. But she still alive, I dun shoveled some dirt on her while she was sleepin last night, but Little Girl's cryin distracted me and I had to beat her, by the time I was done, it was already dawn and people were begin'in to ask questions...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1843
Traded 1 winter coat for 1 spare wagon tongue.
Entry:
Today's a sad day. I had to trade my winter coat, I was sad til I realized there was no winter, it was like 85 today, that dumbass just got robbed.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 11, 1843
The wagon tongue broke. We will trade for a replacement.
Entry:
What the hell? I knew Little Girl was up t' no good! She tryin' to ruin this trip by playin' with that damn wheel. I beat her ass good!
- Walter
I don't know what's gotten into Walter lately...it's like...he's gone mad.
- Wifey
Papa said I was in trouble for not being in heaven...
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 12, 1843
A mighty severe thunderstorm came up. We’re going to continue as usual.
Lightning killed one of our draft animals.
Entry:
Holy tarnations! God himself dun struck down and killed one of my oxen! That was amazing. I dun beat Wifey and kicked Little Girl good while they was sleepin! They anger god cuz I just wann' be alone! I knew God was on my side. Why wont they die lord? why wont they die?
- Walter Graves
Dear god... he really wants us dead... he's been poisoning us on purpose!
- Wifey
(nothing but blood covering this page)
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 15, 1843
Made an early start this morning; passed Kansas River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
I reckon' I wanted to Ford that river, but then I thought about the bacon...I can't lose that bacon, oh lo'd no. But damn, maybe I should have, cuz it could' kill my family...
- Walter
P.S. Why wont they jus' leave me be!
I'm surprised he didn't ford tha' river! Maybe he's not trynna kill us afte' all... He even held Little Girl while we crossed!
- Wifey
I wasn't holdin' I was chokin'
- Walter
Narrator:
May 16, 1843
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
100 miles! And I'm still bein' peskered by my asshole fam'ly! Oh God why! Strike down one of them lightnin' bolts and kill me already! I can't make it with their naggin' and cryin... I beat Little Girl good cuz she start'd snorin' last night...
- Walter
Papa said snorin' the growl of the devil...but he does it all the time....
- Little Girl
I beat Little Girl again f' bein' smart.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 17, 1843
Today came to Red Vermillion River.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Red River? I aint see no red! This map is lies! I hereby reckon I can't trust no one these days! I dun burnt my map and decidin' my own course! So long!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 18, 1843
Passed some time near Scott Spring.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Locoweed pods, poisonous Snow-on-the-mountain leaves, edible Raspberries and edible Sumac berries.
Entry:
If this Locoweed don't kill Little Girl, I don't know what will! I almost tempted to head back to Independance and bury my head in shame!
- Walter
I was hopin' to put my .357 Magnum to the test, but some scab creature must'v caught site of my Red Shark and White Whale (That's what I call call Little Girl and Wifey when I'm doped up on laudanum)
- Walter
Narrator:
May 19, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Sow Thistle leaves and poisonous Black Nightshade berries.
Entry:
I got 'er good! Yeehaw! Watchin' her suffer every couple'a'days makes me feel like I'm workin' on a project, which I am, I just wanna be alone!
- Walter
I told her not to fuckin eat that shit!
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 20, 1843
Wifey has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Chickory leaves and roots, edible Currants and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Entry:
I got that bitch good before she dun mouth off and educate my daughter. I hope she starts bleeding from her eyes. This journal is startin' to get too repetative and angry for my tastes. I jus' wanna chill out and get doped up and eat bacon, which be what I been dun doin' but I aint need their incessant naggin' I dun don't know how t' spell, so who'ver readin' this can go fuck dem selves cuz I dun need their ig'nant naggin' neether!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 21, 1843
The trail continues to provide wonders and surprises! Today we made it to Alcove Spring.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Arrowhead roots, edible Rose hips and edible Black Raspberries.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 95 pounds of meat.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Blackberries, edible Currants and edible Chokecherries.
Came to Big Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Entry:
Today, nothin' but the usual, pickin' poison, eatin bacon, and THEN this sumbitch just walks infront of our wagon! I ran his ass down full speed. I thou't he was dun the undead!
- Walter Grave
Oh no! He killed Mr. Baker, he was such a nice man, oh god...
Wifey
Narrator:
May 23, 1843
We were delayed at Big Blue River. We decided to wait our turn to cross.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Papa says that Fording the river is the best way for us to get to heaven, yay!
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 24, 1843
Another step on the trail; today we reached St. Joseph Road Junction.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
I accidentally got shot. I decided to treat with an antiseptic.
Entry:
The one time I don't want to make it across the river! Blast it. I don't wanna have to shoot them. Where the hell is my .357 Magnum?
- Walter Graves
Oh God! Little Girl got a hold of the .357 Magnum and shot me in the arm! Deer God! if I die like this it'll be the cruelest joke God hath ever dun bring to this world! I can't even beat her, because my arm wont move. Oh it's startin' to fire up, I dun drenched it with whiskey like a real man, but I dun think no ammount of high/drunk or bacon can block out this pain. But I dun am sure go'n try.
- Walter
I was aiming for his head! cuz we still not in heaven.
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 26, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 137 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I felt a little better today, so I beat the shit outta Little Girl good, tellin' her to aim the gun at Wifey next time, and then I went out to hunt. I shot me some rabbits and a deer! Woowee! It's nice to see my gun put to use, I dun reckon I tried to shoot my wife but I was unde' "surveliance" I aint know what that is, but I beat my wife good when I got back for usin' my laudanum!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 27, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Raspberries and edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries.
Went gathering. We found edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Salsify roots and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Entry:
Dammit, no poison today! What the hell kind of shit is this! Guess I'll go take a laudonap!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 28, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Currants, edible Elderberries, poisonous Water Hemlock leaves and edible Blackberries.
Entry:
Finally, this stuff'll do'er good. Well, off to rape Wifey, so long.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 29, 1843
Little Girl has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, edible Burdock roots and edible Elderberries.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 188 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I got Little Girl good! She actually thought it was corn! There aint no corn in this stupid world. I beat her for bein' retarded, maybe a good whack with my guitar upside her head she'll git smarter.
Take that ya stupid deer! .357 Magnum showed true promise today, but I still aint wanna use 'er on my fam'ly! But why isn't this poison shit workin'? Have I failed where every royal/rich rouge bag in the hist'y o' My world dun succeeded? How could I be such a failure, then I guess it is still kind' fun to watch them suffer on occasion. I still think Wifey dun repor' me to the damn authorita'. Tomorry I gonna break 'er legs good.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 31, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Blackberries, edible Sumac berries, poisonous Henbane berries and edible Elderberries.
Entry:
Another day another food poisonin' damn this trip thus far been nothin' but loathin. I'm afraid they gonna start gettin' suspicious that I'm the only one not gettin poisoning... But that wont stop me! I just wanna be left alone! Hell they could just walk across the desert for all I cared! I don't ca'e! I jus' wanna travel alone, I aint wanted this...
- Walter
I guess we all gotta go through a struggle to live a dream.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 2, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I shot me a rabbit, and put it on Little Girl's head while she was asleep. Oooh! you should' heard her cries when she woke up covered in blood and guts! Wifey has been lookin' at me rather fearfully as of late, which is good, that means more beatin'!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 4, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Cattail roots, Poison Hemlock leaves, edible Breadroot tubers and poisonous Black Nightshade berries.
Narrator:
June 5, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
Man watching her get sick is kinda like readin' a 3 month old news paper, who the fuck cares about what dun happened 3 months ago? I mean shit, we need somethin new and exciting, like her dyin' cuz thats what I want to happen!
- Walter Graves
P.S. Man...I really really suck at murder...
Narrator:
June 6, 1843
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of The Narrows.
Entry:
Let me tell you somethin' bout them Narrows. Aint nothin' but a bunch of rocks and stupid savages. I aint restin' here, I dun reckon last thing I do is step foot on the darned dirt!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 11, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Violet leaves, edible Sow Thistle leaves and edible Chokecherries.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 103 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Today I went out to find poison, but came back with nothin' but good eatin' so I took my vegeance out on a few deer, nothin' uncommon aroun' here, til someone decided to go mouth off and call me a Taffer!
I laughed him off, to which he responded with a cold glare, which was fine...
Them be the last words that man says, cuz I reckon he's most of the "meat we obtained...."
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 13, 1843
A mighty severe thunderstorm came up. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
God DAMN! Barbeque human tastes gooooood! I aint dare tell no one now, but it was so good that when I caught Wifey and Little Girl takin' bits of them ribs, I beat em senseless. I just wanna be on my own! They can go pick their own poisons.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 15, 1843
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to apply sulfur to wound.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Sonovabitch, if I die right now I'm nothin' but the worst failure known to man. I can't even murder my family! I get shot, but survive so I guessin' that failure was passed on to Little Girl, I can't have them ruin my good name, I hope this "Sulfur" does me good, it sure sounds "scientific."
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 17, 1843
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to wait to see what they do.
They approached us and we talked.
Entry:
Those damn strangers came up to me actin' like they owned the place, I offered em to take Little Girl, Hell, spoil me the trouble of gettin' blood on my hands I said. I think that scared em off good.... Dammit, they really could've dun did me a favor.
- Walter
I told those men about the his plot to kill us, and they ran off, I sure hope they bring me and my daughter justice!
- Wifey
Narrator:
June 18, 1843
We found ourselves surrounded by a swarm of grasshoppers. We'll continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Black Nightshade berries, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Chokecherries and poisonous Water Hemlock leaves.
Entry:
I'm gonna get my wife good for talkin' to them strangers, aint no one speak without my presence in my domain!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 19, 1843
Wifey has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Got the bitch!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 20, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Good night.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 21, 1843
Arrived at “The Coast of Nebraska”, despite some “help” from Nicholas J. Tillman.
Entry:
That Mr. Tillman is a good man, let me tell ya I tol' him 'bout how I was plannin' goin 'bout this road alone, and my naggin' wife and daughter damn begged t' come alon'. He dun "advised me as my attourney" I reckon that I stage an accident that'd finish 'em off for good. I was grateful for this bit of insight, but my gut soon swelled with bile at some foo' who trynna tell ME, Walter damn Graves, What to do! I met up with Mr. Tillman later that day and introduced him to my .357 Magnum and a bullet, yes I did... let's just say Little Girl and Wifey are eatin' Tillman Stew for the rest of the month...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 23, 1843
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Violet leaves, edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Asparagus shoots.
Entry:
Everyone's complainin' bout that dang dust again, I say let the horses go where they go, and stay inside and play the geetar, hell if that aint enuff, shoot up some Laudanum...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 24, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Groundplum pods, edible Breadroot tubers, Poison Hemlock leaves and edible Asparagus shoots.
Entry:
Well, back to the master plan...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 25, 1843
Little Girl has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Arrowhead roots, edible Milkweed shoots, poisonous Henbane berries and poisonous Black Nightshade berries.
Entry:
I'm just 'bout losin' hope in this poison everyone is so afraid of, I mean aside from a li'l vomitting these two bitch's have survived every known ailment. What the hell kind of woman was Wifey when I did I kidnapped her those years ago?
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 26, 1843
Happened upon a fresh grave near Plum Creek. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.
Entry:
I had to act as shocked as everyone else cuz I decided to g' huntin' last night after I shot up a whole bottle of laudanum and drank me a lot of whiskey. I dun know what happened but what I remember was someone sayin "Howdy" and then my .357 Magnum respondin' with its classic "BANG BANG BANG!" all was a blur but I reckon dun realized I had shot Mr. Bilbo Baggin's. He was a nice feller, not the brightest but damn, I had no choice but to bury his sorry ass, what was he tinkin' jumpin' infront'v my Magnum like that? I dun reckon folk round here dumber than a sack of hamburgers! I dun think no one noticed, but every'ne noticed that there grave. So much for his plans, on writin' some stupid novel I dun know what it was gon' be abou' but man, I just shot up some more of that there laudanum, aint no one suspect a man on a laudanum binge.
- Walter Graves
Papa said that's where heaven is!
- Little Girl
I just caught Little Girl playin' around in that grave, I dun beat her good once she said she just wanted to play in Heaven. I dun tol' her not to do that shit ag'in! I try so hard to make it on this trip alone and now the authority is on to me, that's the last darn thing I needed.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 29, 1843
Wifey came down with cholera. We've got to continue as usual.
Entry:
Hot damn, I'm happier than a jitterbug today, even caught me a June Bug too! Wifey came down with a disease called "Cholera" I reckon there aint no cure for that, it sounds too scientific to be survivable! I'm drinkin' two gallons of whiskey tonight! Hell! I'll even let Little Girl have some Laudanum too!
- Walter Graves
Little Girl does some crazy shit when she's loaded on Laudanum, I thought it'd just knock her out, but shit made her jump off the wagon and attack my horses! I reckon I can't be havin' injured livestock so I beat her ass! I give her drugs and this is the thanks I get? Now I remember why I've been poisonin' em...
- Walter Graves
P.S. Laudanum is a hell of a drug
Narrator:
June 30, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!) and edible Raspberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Wavy-Leafed Thistle stems and flowers, edible Sow Thistle leaves and edible Sunflower seeds.
Narrator:
July 1, 1843
Wifey has food poisoning, and we're planning to administer laudanum.
Went gathering. We found edible Elderberries, edible Plantain leaves, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
I hate to waste my precious laudanum, but maybe an overdose'll kill 'er!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 2, 1843
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
July 4, 1843
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
It is Independence Day and we're going to continue.
Arrived at O’Fallon’s Bluffs today.
Went gathering. We found edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Wavy-Leafed Thistle stems and flowers, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
It's Independence Day? That town was a dump. I spit in Mr. Tillmans brother's face for tryin to make me get outta my wagon. I punched him in is fat face, nearly killed him. I hope he dies soon like his brother, Nicholas. I dun need him snoopin' round my projects.
I reckon' Wifey an' Little Girl shoul' not eat and starve to death, so I aint gotta kill nobody understood?
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 5, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful.
We did not find anything useful.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Another day, another poisoning. Boy that wagon was fun to kick over! I dun did try and make Little Girl stand inside when I dun knocked it down, bu' her dumb mother called her inside, I'm gonna beat 'er...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 6, 1843
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to clean and dress wound.
We endured an extremely severe thunderstorm today. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn Red Shark and her shootin' me with my .357 Magnum, what a cruel twist of irony! I dun reckon' they think me a dead man soon, but I reckon' I'll be the one travelin' this trail alone soon, drinkin' whiskey, eatin' bacon, That's all I wanted out of this life! c'mon lemme live out the American Dream!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 8, 1843
One of the mules got injured, and we're trying to abandon injured animal.
Entry:
I don't know how hard it is to abandon a stupid animal, I reckon I kicked it good while it was down! That aint hard, that is dun be some fun kickin!
Everyone sayin' that "I'm nuts, that I'm tryin to kill my family, that I was the last person to see Tillman and now that dun Bilbo Baggins creep alive." If that were true then why am I still captain of this damn ignant wagon train?
- Walter
Narrator:
July 9, 1843
We endured an extremely severe thunderstorm today. We decided to continue as usual.
The trail's flooded. We had to try to ford through the water.
Entry:
Man it's nights like these where laudanum and whiskey just make the world a wodnerful place to be, I just let my horses go the course I sure hope they know where they goin...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 13, 1843
Today we reached South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
I aint have no hopes no more, this river dun look too deep at all for an "accident." Oh well, I guess it'll be back t' more poison'pickin' tomorrow...
- Walter
Narrator:
July 14, 1843
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 98 pounds of bacon; 45 pounds of coffee beans; 44 pounds of ham; 1 hat; 3 16-oz. jars of honey; and various other items.
We suffered a terrible loss. Little Girl drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
YEEEEEHAWWW! Today is the happiest day of my life! Little Girl dun drowned when I tipped my wagon! Woo! I'm gonna go celebrate by raping Wifey!
- Walter
Oh my poor Little Girl! Oh god! He killed her!
- Wifey
I dun read what she said...I beat her good during and after the rape...
- Walter.
P.S. Yes, I left Little Girl dead in the water.
Narrator:
July 16, 1843
Today we have traveled 500 miles.
Went gathering. We found edible Breadroot tubers, edible Prickly Pear pads, poisonous Butterfly Milkweed pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Approached Ash Hollow today. Some people in our wagon train are very tired of the journey.
Entry:
What a blessed day! 500 miles, and Little Girl is gone, I couldn't be happier! Now as soon as my wife leaves this Earf I can finally enjoy some peace and quiet along this trail that everyone so damn afraid o'...
- Walter Graves
What's this I hear about people bitchin' bout bein tired? It ain't like they dun is walkin, and if they dun walked all this way why the hell are they complainin'? I had a couple rounds of fisty cuffs with Mr. Wayne dun over there, knocked his ass out cold, he reckon a rich man, but damn I say the mo' money ya haves, the mo' of a bitch ye' become. I reckon these people don't know how close I am to livin' my dream. They act like I'm crazy fer leavin' Little Girl dead in the water, I say the vultures need nutrition!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 17, 1843
Wifey has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
I dun get her good! Woo she didn't expect me to poison her brandy!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 19, 1843
A prairie fire spread across the trail today. It seemed best to continue as usual.
Wifey has a bad burn, and we're hoping to continue as usual.
Entry:
I knew that fire would get her good! Cuz I pushed her ass damn out of my wagon and into it! She's all burnt, and everyone's worried about her dyin, cept me, Hell I even had me an affair with the late Mr. Tillman's wife, I dun reckon laudanum makes people do crazy shit! Now that Wifey's disfigured I can mingle with the town folk, and loosin' up a bit. They all gonna witness my dream soon! Damn it has been a hard path to follow, but I swear tomorrow's lookin allll the sweeter!
- Walter Graves
Everyone has been so apologetic lately cuz my dun family dun be dead, but Wifey aint dead yet, so I ain't celebratin' but I tell 'em like I tell you, that I dun be the happiest person on earf! My dream has come true and now all these people think me a murderer, but I ain't no murderer! I aint start that fire, I aint make that river, and I ain't shoot Mr. Tillman, Vincent Black Shadow did. Now they all scared that there's a gangster among us. Boy they's dumb fools!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 2, 1843
Morale is very low. We are going to continue.
Wifey has an infection, and we're hoping to rub salt in the wound.
We suffered a terrible loss. Wifey has died. We plan to continue immediately.
ENTRY:
Now the REAL Journey begins! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAWWWWW! I alone will survive the rest of this trail. I will eat bacon, drink whiskey, kill animals and play my geetar while loaded up on Laudanum! Woowee! This is a proud day for mankind! The American Dream will prosper with the great demons: The Red Shark and the White Whale vanquished from their mortal coils!
- Walter Graves
P.S. I knew I bought that 500 pounds of salt for a reason!
Narrator:
August 3, 1843
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Courthouse and Jail Rocks. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
Just as I begin' celebratin' my triumph, my damn horses decide to try drinkin' shit water. Where was that water when Little Girl was alive? It'd have been fun to push 'er in there, I reckon. But 'nuff 'bout that, gonna stay here a coupl' days and rebuff my conscious with some mo' laudanum and whiskey... I'm gonna miss beatin' em...
- Walter
Narrator:
August 8, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 5 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Today I woke up with a stern hangover, Holy jesus christ it's been 5 days? I don't even remember 2! What the hell did I do? Everyone has been cautious of me all day. What I do? What I do?
I went huntin' today for kicks, and just started shootin' and shootin' and then I hit what I thought was a rabbit, but it turned out to be some foo's cat. I dun reckon I retrieved that treat quick, ain't no meat like cat meat I reckon'
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 9, 1843
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to slow down.
Entry:
Has it been 100 days already? Woo! That barely makes the start of this adventure, that means my family dyin' was nothin' but a prologue to my drug enduced road trip across the great trail tha' everyon' so 'fraid of! I ain' afraid, I just lettin my horses go as they do, while I eat my bacon.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 11, 1843
We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 mirror; 1 cast iron stove; 1 hope chest.
Played cards with Mr. Tillman today while nooning near Chimney Rock. I suspect he cheats.
Entry:
I came across an "abandoned" wagon. I say "abandoned" cuz last night I dun snuck into Bill Fortnip's wagon, this good f'nothin' swine who gave me guffin' other day while I was drinkin' with Miss Tillman, he tol' her I kill'd her husband and my family. So I dun reckon I maintain'd my composure, y'know, so I could make hi'self look crazy, so that I could still bang Miss Tillman later.
Well dun after I banged Miss Tillman I left and paid Mr. Fortnip (what a damn horrible ass name is Fortnip anyway? Dun ask me, he ain't need it no mo'.) a visit, in which Vincent Black Shadow made their wagon abandoned, and I helped myself to a fine mirror, cuz y'know I am that awesome, that I must be viewed from all angles, 'n such, and I got me anoth' cast iron stove, for bacon cookin'! Woot damn! Twice the bacon in one day, this trip is turnin' out to be the best damn dun trip ever!
- Walter Graves
After another bang with Miss Tillman, I met up with Nicholas's brother Roger Tillman for a few drinks. He's not a bad guy once you get t' know 'em but damn does he babble on about bein' a journalist. I dun reckon the itch to introduce him to my friend .357 Magnum like his brother, but I dun not ready to hear anothe' bitch (Miss Tillman) cry ag'in. I just got rid o' my family, and that would just be a hindrance to my dream, to ride this out alone. So I dun shot up some laudanum while I drank Mr. Tillman under the table, he passed out so I gave him a couple kicks t' his ribs for bein' so drab and borin' of a person. Hopefully he wakes up in great pain, cuz he's a sissy. Goin' to sleep now, after I eat me mo' bacon.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 13, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Lettuce leaves, edible Plantain leaves and edible Wavy-Leafed Thistle stems and flowers.
Entry:
Today I went berry pickin', I almost dun taked back poison f' ol' time sake, cuz I dun reckon' I aint poisonin no one no mo' it's like a darned revelati'n. Anywhoo I was out there in the field pickin' me berries when I started gettin' attacked by huge black flying creatures. Bigger than a dog man! I had my .357 Magnum wit me so 'course he star' firin' I damn couldn't hit one of 'em! I shot Miss Tillman in the stomach tho, I dun did not mean it I swear! Everyone came roarin' out to butcher me, when I explained she was attacked by bats! "This is Bat country" I said, and they all start'd screamin, and running in mass panic, which was goo' cuz while they was dun scattlin' 'bout, I dun did find a pit to put Miss Tillman in, and said that bat's came and took 'er off, I swears I ain't make this up!
- Walter Graves
I'm back in my wagon now, cookin' me up two stoves worth of bacon, drinkin' me some whiskey. I dun say this is the most kingly act of all hist'ry. I say that I regret killin' Miss Tillman, but those bats are still out there, I see their shadows from outside, I ain't leavin this wagon again!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 14, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I dun knew them bats was real! I dun shot me one! That Mr. Roger Tillman tol' me that it was a crow, but I dun reckon I punched him good in the face, knockin' him out cold in the dirt with bat guts that I then threw on him, after stabbin' him with my huntin' knife. Now people wont question my bat sightin's.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 15, 1843
The trail brought us to Scotts Bluff today.
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Robidoux Pass. If I were superstitious, I’d call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Dear god! Today was a dreadful day, I rode out there with Vincent Black Shadow and my .357 Magnum to go do me some good huntin' and I saw them damn bats ag'in! They were peckin' at Roger Tillman's bones, I reckon no one bother'd bury his ass cuz I tol' em that the Bat's'll kill any man who attempts to bury the dead. I dun shot me up some laudanum good, to y'know calm my senses, and that's when I saw a 7 foot tall bat, just standin' in front've my wagon! I am quick with the draw, and my .357 Magnum took its face clean off! A mob of fella's came out to what I thought was to praise me for slayin' the great beast, then I realized they were all mad crazy, about as crazy as I had gone when these bats started invadin' my wagon the othe' night!
I was tackled to the ground, and I herd people dun cryin' and screamin', turns out I dun did shot Mr. Willamont Presley, a rich bastard, who was wearin' his tuxedo around actin' like a big man. I'm glad I shot his ass, but I swear he was a bat...man. Holy dun did darn did do! He was a Batman! Fuck vampire's, em shits aint scary, but Batmen? Them shits is real! I dun reckon' I saw it's black eyes and fangs. I dun explained my sitiation to the town folk and they let me go on grounds of self defense, I swear I just wanna eat my bacon, I ain't mean to kill nobody... Laudanum is a hell of a drug...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 17, 1843
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Well damn it all to hell. Today I was dismissed as captian. Aft' all I had done fo' these people, protectin' em from the bat country, which we out've now, haven't seen none for days. I dun reckon' they say I'm a loose cannon, and I say damn right I am, I am Walter Graves. I shoot first, and ask no questions! The only answer is death when ye' git in my way. I dun care none anyway, I aint ev' want'd to be cap'n anyway, these people jus' wan' play me a foo' so I got me in a good ol' brawl with the new cap'n. Knocked his ass out cold, in fron'v'ever'body, that'll learn 'em f' choosin' some swine ov' me.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 19, 1843
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 5 1-lb. tins of smoked salmon.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
They moved on.
Made it to Laramie River.
Entry:
Well now that I'm just an ordinary man, I guessin' I get to do whateve' I want, which is just what I wanted, too much stress leadin' these folk' blindly with my horses instincts. I dun reckon come by a wagon earlier, and found me some salmon! This trip just dun got better, I sure hope this trip lasts a bit longer, cuz I still got me two wagon's full of bacon to go eat!
- Walter Graves
P.S. The dream is good...
Narrator:
August 20, 1843
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Takin' it nice and easy now, no guff from strangers since I aint cap'n no more, ain't no bat's no more, hell I ain't even need to use my .357 Magnum for a while, I been dun gettin all but drunk and high these days, I say I reckon' floatin' just as good as ridin'
- Walter
Narrator:
August 21, 1843
Heard news of a murder and hanging last night near Fort John. Enough to send shivers down one’s spine.
Purchased 4 pounds of bacon.
Entry:
I went for a brisk walk last night, after huffin' some epsom salts and shootin up a couple full bottles of laudanum, I dun felt calmer than a tree I tell ya', whatev's that means. An'way there I was just takin' a nice stroll through my country, when this swine popped out'v the bushes to give me a good scare, at least that's what I realize now...word to the wise, dun never scare a man on an epsom salt binge, cuz there's nothin more depraved and humiliating than a man doped up on epsom salts.....I must've stomped that poor bastard good and I don't even remember the hangin' but I must've gotten the rope from the late Miss Tillman's wagon ov' there, and hung that poor bastard in a noose and dragged his ass with my horses. I say no one say nothin' cuz I stuck the corpse in a tree when I realized what I did dun do.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 25, 1843
Traded 2 16-oz. jars of honey for 1 4-oz. bottle of laudanum.
Traded 11 16-oz. tins of maple syrup for 1 25-lb. keg of pickles.
Entry:
I needed some more laudanum, not that my supply is runnin' low, but it's always a good idea to keep the drugs comin' in 'afore that day comes, but I say no man will make it to Oregon if that day comes...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 26, 1843
One of our Oxen stepped in a hole, and we are going to butcher the animal for meat.
We salvaged 169 pounds of meat.
Nooned near Register Cliff.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 2 pounds of meat.
Went gathering. We found edible Raspberries and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Entry:
I've learned one thing on these travels, Oxen are the dumbest sons of bitches to ever walk this earf. I put one up front of my wagon to rest my horses a while, and it dun walks in a hole. How dumb d'ya gotta be to step in a hole? I reckon I dun chopped the ol' girl up good for it's ignance.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 27, 1843
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to abandon injured animal.
Entry:
What the hell is goin' on? That's the second Oxen in two days! Had I been this good at killin the Red Shark and White Whale I'd've been happier a long ass time ago!
- Walter
Narrator:
August 29, 1843
We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful.
We did not find anything useful.
Entry:
Found another useless wagon, I dun reckon' people just don' know how to travel. Shit's easy, just do like me, stock up on laudanum, whiskey and bacon. Then kill your family, this has been the best darn trip I ever did take!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 1, 1843
Another step on the trail; today we reached Ayers Natural Bridge.
Entry:
I'm gonna take a nap.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 4, 1843
Passed some time near North Platte River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
I just woke up. Holy christ! Has it been 3 days? Deer lord, I guessin' that's okay cuz I can make myself some breakfast....bacon.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 5, 1843
Passed Emigrant Gap. Road fair to middling.
Entry:
Let's dun forget I been here 'afor...
- Walter
Narrator:
September 6, 1843
Stopped near Willow Springs for a while.
Narrator:
September 8, 1843
Today came to Independence Rock.
We will eat fewer meals.
Entry:
Oh christ no! I'm runnin' out'v bacon. How the hell did two wagon fulls of bacon just disappear? It can't be just cuz I use both stoves to cook piles of it all day, That dun be can't possible! I reckon' theres a thief... I'm gonna get 'em...
- Walter
P.S. That rock ain't Independent no more cuz I spit on it.
Narrator:
September 9, 1843
We saw a small party of coyotes today, just a mile or so west of Devil’s Gate.
Entry:
Devil's Gate, more like pile of worthless rocks.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 13, 1843
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will slow down.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 106 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I decided to take Vincent Black Shadow out for some shootin' I shot me a deer and a rabbit, nothin' special but damn was it fun.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 14, 1843
Saw eagles today near Split Rock. What majestic creatures!
Narrator:
September 15, 1843
A thick fog rolled in today. Looks like we'll continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Piss on it.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 16, 1843
Heard some gunfire in the distance near Three Crossings. Much concern all around.
Entry:
I woke up hearin' gunfire goin' bout, for a second I thought that my .357 Magnum dun ran off and gone shootin' by itself! Til I dun realized my gun was under my pillow. I ate me some fine bacon, and bathed in bacon grease, ignorin' that gunfire that I heard earlier. Finally after a few hours of chill relax I shot me up some of that there Laudanum and went about askin' bout gunfire. They all thought me crazy, cuz they dun said they just saw me outside shootin' at the wagon train!
I reckon' I ain't insane, so I punched Mr. Franklin in his stomach good for callin' me crazy. I dun reckon just wanna eat my bacon, had I dreamt for murder, they's all be dead by now...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 18, 1843
The wagon got stuck in the mud. Had to double-team the animals.
Entry:
Damn rain makes mud all sticky! Oh well, I washed my anger away with some fine whiskey...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 19, 1843
Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front.
Entry:
I got everybody placin' bets on who's gonna drown, they all fools, ain't no one drown in quicksand I hear. I dun believe in the stuff, I mean it ain't like you sink quick!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 20, 1843
Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front.
Entry:
God damn again? I thought we was dun passed that!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 21, 1843
Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front.
Rested the animals near Ice Spring Slough.
Entry:
Well I found that there "quick" sand everyone dun gripin' about. I got out my wagon and walked right across it myself, without a damn problem. I dun got my britches all filthy so I beat Mr. Clarkson in the face cuz he started laughin', then I pulled out .357 Magnum and reckon'd t' 'veryone else that if I were cap'n we'd all have bacon, instead of this there quicksand fear. All we gotitado is walk around it!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 23, 1843
Terrible fog during the early part of the day. We chose to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 92 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I dun did shot me a Deaf Bear, in the fog! I was all yellin at it, and throwin stuff at 'er and she just kept grazin' by, so my .357 Magnum dun her justice by puttin' a bullet in it's eye. I dun got me a fancy ass rug now! Woo!
- Walter
Baaaaaar con! Best damn dun bacon I ever dun have!
- Walter
I reckon' there be a lot of b'ar in these woods.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 24, 1843
Narrator:
September 26, 1843
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Final Sweetwater River Crossing.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
That water tasted like piss! No wonder why the natives that used to live here dun gone extinct from that there siphillis plague them centuries ago. I reckon' I got syphilis now from drankin' that. I dun know how to spell none, so eat me.
- Walter Graves
Gonna caulk my wagon now, it's okay to laugh, what I dun just wrote made me laugh... Aight, now to cook me up some mo' B'ar bacon!
- Walter
Narrator:
September 27, 1843
The wagon got stuck in the mud. Had to double-team the animals.
Entry:
There's that damn mud ag'in. How come no one warned me 'bout this? No! They all scared about that there quicksand from 'afore, I reckon' this is more of a pain in the arse than a little bit of wet sand!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 28, 1843
Discovered that I have alkali sickness. Seems best if we increase rations.
The trail continues to provide wonders and surprises! Today we made it to South Pass.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 1 pound of meat.
Entry:
Oh Deer God no! I knew I dun did got me a disease from that there sweet water that there the other dun day! What the hell is this "alkali" anywhoo? Darn tootin' be reckon some crazy witchcraft. I reckon' tomorry' I go witch huntin!
- Walter Graves
Apparently the cure for this "Alkali" disease, is mo' bacon, cuz I feelin' fantastic now! Aight, goin' to shoot up me some good laudanum and go get me some huntin' food!
- Walter
Narrator:
September 29, 1843
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Pacific Springs. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
For some reason that water just reminded me of the sweet water I drank. Deer lord! I have a fear of water? I know dun it ain't cuz I drowned Little Girl....Iiiiiiiii Mean cuz Little Girl drowned. Yup. I ain't dun have no cause to 'er death....
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 30, 1843
Traded 1 rifle for 1 spare wagon axle.
Entry:
Today's a sad day, I had to sell one of my rifles...that I never dun use cuz the .357 Magnum has more calibur. I proved that when I shot that bastard's horse in the face to prove my .357 Magnum held bigger bullets than that there rifle I gave him, after the trade of course. Also I broke the rifle and kept the hair trigger for my geetar pick, cuz I lost my geetar pick a while back... Good tunes tonight!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 1, 1843
One of our wagon axles broke, and I decided to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Son of a bitch! I've been ripped off! I mean I know I dun rip that bastar' off yesterday, dun turn out he pull the same shenanigan's on me!
....I gonna get 'em...
(there's a bullet hole on the bottom of this page.)
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 2, 1843
We will have heartier meals.
Rested for a time near Dry Sandy.
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
Entry:
Man, havin' only one stove of bacon' goin a day is like havin' t' pay Taxes. Which is why I recall leavin that Independence and livin' the dream in the first place! I reckon' I gonna pick up the pace tho, I'm not too keen on runnin' out of bacon and whiskey 'fore I make it to Oregon. If that happens...May God have mercy on us all...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 5, 1843
After much travail, we came to Green River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Another river, another caulk of the wagon I say. Caulkin' the way to go, ain't no water stupi' 'nuff t' defy physics...
- Walter
Narrator:
October 7, 1843
Passed the thousand mile mark today!
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Church Butte.
Entry:
Jimminy jeepers! 1,000 miles already? Whew, ain't much further from the end of this long journey I reckon. This has been quite the dream, they say not to celebrate until' it's official, but I reckon' I need to brighten my spirits, tonight' gonna be a good time for another laudonap.
Narrator:
October 8, 1843
Commenced early today; saw Name Rock.
Entry:
Name Rock eh? I Name that Rock: Walter. Walter Graves.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 9, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Damn winter, I wish I hadn't traded that winter coat when I dun started! I didn't think this trip would take this long! Guess I'll start sleepin' with cooked bacon...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 10, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Woke up today colder than witches tit. I dun reckon' sleepin' with bacon ain't a good idea cuz when that shit gels up it make ya smell rank, and no one wants to be 'round that, almost found m'self kicked off this here wagon train... I reckon I gonna clean m'self and beat the cap'n...
- Walter
Narrator:
October 12, 1843
We got caught in a blizzard. I reckon we'll slow down.
Entry:
That snow almost damn near ruined my stove! I shook my fist angrily at god today, lemme tell ya! Ain't no God stand in my way of my bacon dream.
Narrator:
October 13, 1843
There was a wedding in camp today not far from Fort Bridger. A joyous occasion in the wilderness!
Traded 4 boxes of 20 bullets for 85 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 6-oz. bottles of lecithin for 16 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 5-lb. sacks of tobacco for 55 pounds of bacon.
Traded 65 5-lb. sacks of tobacco for 70 dollars.
Purchased 45 pounds of coffee beans, 11 10-lb. sacks of dried beans, 30 pounds of ham, 3 5-lb. slabs of lard, 4 10-lb. sacks of onions, 60 pounds of salt pork.
Entry:
Well Tarnations! It looks like Mr. Roger Tillman and the late Bilbo Baggins' who I murdered's widowed wife, or daughter or whateve'the fuck, Frodo Baggins got married! People were acting shocked and appauled, I reckon' stories that Frodo was a man, but I've seen'er and Frodo looks like a bitch, wears a queer lookin' gold ring around her neck, like she retarded or somethin' and she dun always got that "Someone gonn' rape me" look that Wifey always had on her face... I guess dun reckon' people say it's a queer weddin' I say, it's queer cuz they're both mo'on's. I reckon' this whole here wagon train' bunch o' mo'on's too!
I watched the ceremony and I reckon' when I dun heard the priest say "I now pronounce you husband....and husband." I damn near shat myself! I ain't know there be dun queers afoot! Well, ain't bother me none, I could' guessed it from when I played them cards with Roger that one night, and had to beat his ass cuz he was all borin' and talkin' bout shit n' one gives shit 'bout. I reckon' now I und'stan' he was makin' a pass at me, had I known that then, he'd be a dead man. But he ain' bothe' me since, so I reckon' let them have their gay weddin' Just stay the hell away from me and my bacon!
- Walter Graves
I reckon' after that there weddin' I traded a bunch' shit I don't need for my much needed bacon supply. I reckon' I ain't gonna run out For Never!
- Walter
Narrator:
October 21, 1843
We will press on until we are exhausted each day.
We rested a while not far from Bear River.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 84 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Well what do you know! We at this B'ar River, and I dun gone and shot me a b'ar! That means mo' B'ar bacon! I reckon' these woods got a lot of b'ar!
- Walter Graves
P.S. got me a new b'ar rug too!
Narrator:
October 22, 1843
Not much else to do, but cross our fingers, and hope the ice holds.
Entry:
I reckon' I ain't cross no fingers fo' nothin' I jus' hope I dun lose my bacon!
- Walter
Narrator:
October 23, 1843
We lost 1 guitar; 1 16-oz. jar of honey; 1 16-oz. tin of maple syrup; 8 boxes of matches; 2 16-oz. jars of molasses; and various other items when our wagon fell through the ice.
Arrived at The Needles today.
Entry:
Oh no! My guitar! No no no no no! This is the saddest day of my life! I don't know what to do...
- Walter Graves
well....at least I didn't lose no bacon...I would've killed myself...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
November 7, 1843
Sore feet today, but I'll manage. Saw Echo Canyon.
Entry:
I yelled "Bacon!" as loud as I could and it still echoin' now!
- Walter Graves
P.S. my feet hurt cuz I dun tried stickin' my feet in the stove to warm up...
Narrator:
November 17, 1843
Will this journey never end! Today we have traveled for 200 days.
Entry:
Damn tarnations, this has been the best darn' trip a man coul' ask for, I just want it to be over, so I can win my pride, and spend the rest of m' days travelin' while eatin' bacon! I reckon I'll dun do this always...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
November 21, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 1 pound of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Shot me a squirrel good!
- Walter
Damn winter sucks!
- Walter
Narrator:
November 24, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Damn it's cold... well, time for another laudonap!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
December 2, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Jus' woke up, damn this weather sucks, I'm goin' back to sleep!
- Walter
Narrator:
December 3, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 4, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 5, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 6, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 7, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
I tol' em to stop wakin' me up, I reckon' this weather sucks my pecker!
- Walter
Narrator:
December 8, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 9, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to slow down.
Entry:
Made an attempt today, damn cap'n doesn't know what he dun damn is doin! I punched him good in the face, tol' everyone to just relax and shit damn... goin back for another quick laudonap...
- Walter
Well good lord, looks like we dun got ourselves movin! Time to fire up both my stoves and cook me some mo' bacon WOO!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
December 10, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Narrator:
December 11, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Entry:
Damn this weather is nasty, luckily I traded for all that bacon...
- Walter
Narrator:
December 12, 1843
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to try to find another path.
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
Entry:
I made that there decision to find another way around them there fallen rocks, cuz our dun cap'n had gone missing.
- Walter Graves
P.S. Don't tell nobody, I dun did knock them rocks on the ol' cap'n....
Well tarnations! Looks like them poor bastards want me as cap'n! My only request was to have mo' bacon! YEEEHAW!
- Walter
Narrator:
December 13, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 18, 1843
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon tongue.
Entry:
What? It seemed like a good trade...
- Walter Graves
P.S. Laudonam is a hell of a drug.
Narrator:
December 19, 1843
Our wagon tongue broke, and we decided to trade for a replacement.
Rested the animals near Weber River.
Entry:
Look's like I got swindled ag'in! Gosh darn damn darn dun darn dammit! I...hol' on I'll be back..
- Walter Graves
(this page is slightly covered in blood):
Well that was fun. My .357 Magnum dun got me my Ox back, I reckon' that varment won't be needin' it cuz he dead now.
- Walter
P.S. aint no one fuck with Walter!
Narrator:
January 2, 1844
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 95 pounds of meat.
Not much else to do, but cross our fingers, and hope the ice holds.
Made it to Pratt’s Pass.
Entry:
Wootang! I got me anoth' b'ar! That sumbitch was trekkin' thru the snow like a dumb deaf bear. I dun shot it good! Mo b'ar bacon for me!
- Walter Graves
P.S. There's a lot of b'ar in my wagon!
Narrator:
January 3, 1844
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to slow down.
Entry:
Piss on this weather shit.
- Walter
(there's what appears to be dried up spit on this page)
Narrator:
January 4, 1844
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. jar of honey; 1 16-oz. tin of lantern oil; 1 16-oz. tin of maple syrup; 2 boxes of matches; and various other items.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Entry:
Thank God I ain't lost me none bacon....
- Walter
Narrator:
January 5, 1844
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 16-oz. tin of lantern oil; 2 boxes of matches; 3 16-oz. jars of molasses; 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia; and various other items.
I have cuts and abrasions. We're going to treat with an antiseptic.
Entry:
God damn, I can't believe I got myself injured... Well... See ya in four months. I'm gonna stay here and induce a laudanum coma. Fuck this.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
April 12, 1844
Entry:
Fuck this.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1844
Today we saw Hogsback Summit. What a sight!
Entry:
Howdy Yall! I dun continue my journey now, I drank plenty of whiskey and now I feel better, plus the winter is over. Which means I can go back to eatin' my bacon without freezin!
Walter Graves
Hogsback Summit, ain't no hogs back there!
Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 11, 1844
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 16-oz. tin of lantern oil; 3 boxes of matches; 1 16-oz. jar of molasses; 1 8-oz. jar of aloe vera; and various other items.
Entry:
Sweet Zombie Jesus! I damn near killed myself goin' round that turn! I sure hope no one dun saw that, Gosh darn do I feel stupid...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 12, 1844
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 box of matches; 1 16-oz. jar of molasses; 1 set of clothing; 4 16-oz. bottles of brandy; and various other items.
Entry:
Good lord not again!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 16, 1844
Traded 6 16-oz. bottles of brandy for 1 30-foot length of chain.
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of East Canyon.
Entry:
Got this chain in case some wise crackin' swine decides to be fun funny by givin' me guff! I dun reckon' no body mess with the great Walter Graves. I just dun had a couple bad trips that all, now back to trippin' on laudonam.
Walter Graves
P.S. That was lame.
Narrator:
May 17, 1844
Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Big Mountain Pass.
Entry:
Mr. Roger Tillman decides it's time to star' actin' like an asshole. I dun punch him good in the face, infront of his bitch husban' Frodo, I beat his ass too cuz he lookin' like I gon' rape him. Deer Lord man! I ain't gay, I tol' em both to go piss themselves cuz I dun reckon' guide book can't be wrong mother fucker!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 19, 1844
Traded 2 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon axle.
Entry:
Seems like a good trade, never know when ya gonna need another axle.
Narrator:
May 20, 1844
Broke a wagon axle today. We will have to trade for a replacement.
Enjoyed a cup of coffee with Mr. Lumare today at noon near Little Mountain.
Entry:
Deer GOD! I got Swindled a-fuckin'-gain! I'm gonna fuckin' kill that sumbitch...
Walter Graves
I got 'em!
Walter Graves
Let me tell y' somethin' bout that Mr. Lumare, looks like he came right out of the dirt, like me. He got himself bacon, and is travel'in the trail wit his daughter, who I'm gonna bang tonight jus' cuz aint no man gonna live MY dream. I dun tol' him my family died, and he tol' me he knew. I...couldn't dun do nothin' but be polite at that point cuz... I mean.. who else knows?
Walter Graves
P.S. Gonna be keepin' the .357 Magnum mighty close these days...
Well tarnations! It looks like me and Mr. Roger Tillman were both wrong about where we almost was! That mountain was barely a hill! I dun reckon I forgave Mr. Tillman for hittin' him in the face, but I had to go punch Frodo in the face cuz he dun look at me funny. I hate that bastard.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 23, 1844
Nooned late today not far from Last Creek Canyon.
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Great Salt Lake Valley.
Entry:
Got drunk and loaded off my ass, I dun remember what stories I said, but I stole me Mr. Lumare's guitar and my rockin' tunes damn sure rocked! I must've told them all somethin' really scary, cuz they're all...avoidin' me all a sudden, like I dun confessed to my murderin's...
...Oh shit!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 26, 1844
I started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to go look for edible plants.
Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Weber River.
Went gathering. We found edible Arrowhead roots, edible Rose hips and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Raspberries and edible Prairie Poppymallow roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Blackberries, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Rose hips and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Mustard greens, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Currants, edible Raspberries and edible Sunflower seeds.
Went gathering. We found edible Arrowhead roots, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Raspberries and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
I can't be goin' down like my pirate ancestry with this scurvy shit...so looks like I'll be pickin' berries all day woo!
Walter Graves
P.S. Ain't nobody givin' me guff, which is strange, cuz it seem's like they suspicious. I dun know what I said that other night that did this. Oh lord I jus' wanted to live the dream of travelin' alone!
Narrator:
May 28, 1844
Made an early start this morning; passed Bear River.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 3 pounds of meat.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Shot me a skunk! Oh lord does that shit stank, I threw it at Tillman's wagon good!
Gonna caulk me another river woo!
Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 29, 1844
Much grumbling today about Nick Tillman near Malad River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Our train lost 1 wagon and 2 people crossing the river today.
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 harmonica; 2 boxes of matches; 1 8-oz. bottle of alum; 1 16-oz. box of borax; 8 16-oz. bottles of brandy; and various other items.
I gave us a good scare by coming close to drowning. I decided to continue.
Entry:
I'm writin' this now, out of fear that they's dun afte' me. I heard some of the folk'round here talkin' bout that Nicholas Tillman fella I killed back there in Bat Country... I swear these swine are 'bout to release the trap on me.. I just know it.... They' goin' to shut down Walter Graves American Dream f'r good!
Walter Graves
Well I attempted to fake my death, and lost my harmonica instead! Oh deer lord I ain't mean to sacerfice my harmonica!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 31, 1844
The ox yoke broke, and I decided to try to repair it.
We were successful.
The wagon train reached Blue Springs this day.
Entry:
I did it! I dun did fixed my yoke!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 1, 1844
A thick fog rolled in today. Looks like we'll continue as usual.
Enjoyed a cup of coffee with Mr. Lumare today at noon near Rattlesnake Pass.
Entry:
I gotta tell ya that Mr. Lumare makes a mean coffee, turns out he took the trail to get away from his wife back there in Independence, like I dun had tried to do! I gotta tell ya, him bein' all kind like, makes me almost feel guilty fo' bangin' his daughter!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 2, 1844
Rested for a time near Deep Creek.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
Deep Creek? I reckon' ain't no time to ford when there's bacon to be lost! Mo' Caulkin' today! Woo!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 3, 1844
Rested the animals near Cedar Springs.
Entry:
All these trees make me weep. They should be turned into firewood, houses, guns and such. This ecosystem is just wastin' away. What a waste for industry.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 4, 1844
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will slow down.
Entry:
It's like crossin' through a great void of stuff that makes ya choke! It getting' all o'er my bacon, I can't be havin' that.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 6, 1844
Traded 16 16-oz. bottles of brandy for 1 spare ox yoke.
Entry:
Seems like a good trade, Wifey ain't around to drink that brandy no more anywhoo!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 7, 1844
The ox yoke broke, and I decided to trade for a replacement.
Had a lengthy chat with Mr. Lumare today near Raft River.
Entry:
What the Hell! All these people are swine! I dun made sure that was pure brandy too! No spit or nothin'! I dun am gonna choke that sumbitch good!
Walter
Mr. Lumare walked in on me bangin' his daughter. Whoops. I say I dun know why he got so angry. I tell ya, the way he was actin' it was as if he was bangin' her. I tell ya, people aro'nd 'ere startin' t' act suspicious of me as of late, still my .357 Magnum dun gon' protect me. Let's just say I gave Lumare a good punch in the face, he'll come around in the mornin' he's the only person 'ere who know's not to guff.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 9, 1844
We rested a while not far from Salt Lake Cutoff Junction.
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near City of Rocks. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
Jus' when I though' we was at Salt Lake City I dun get confused when the sign read Salt Lake Cutoff. So I reckon I cut off Mr. Dabbly's arm when he came up to me earlier askin' where we was. I dun reckon' people callin' me ig'nant. I say these people are all swine, and if I don't maintain the crazies every'ne thinks I have, then they're g'nna send me away to jail for good!
Walter
Narrator:
June 10, 1844
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to wait to see what they do.
They approached us and we talked.
Entry:
Those damn sons'o'bitches! They scared me outright, I thought they was authorita' so I dun shot one o' em with my .357 Magnum and they came and begged for their lives like cowards. I reckon I gave em a good round of ol' fisticuffs, and then I spent the rest of my day eatin' bacon, and shootin up laudanum.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 11, 1844
I have been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Damn karma, I jus' wanna survive this trail with my bacon and whiskey. I start'd mixin my whiskey and laudanum, and shootin' it up like. Man that gives ya good kick! I dun tell eve'yone else I got scurvy fo' some reason. I reckon when they sent me a doctor I beat him good in the face. Then I dun made my way to Mr. Lumare's wagon and beat his daughter good! Oh that brought me back memories of when I beat Wifey! I reckon' I kind' miss my fam'ly...
- Walter
Narrator:
June 12, 1844
Nooned at California Trail Junction.
Entry:
Holy shit! We're in California? Whoops....
Walter
P.S. I beat Mr. Lumare's daughter ag'in, and blamed her fo' the misdirections. Now everyon' hates that whole family.
Narrator:
June 16, 1844
Reached Caldron Linn about noon--about time!
Entry:
Darn tootin' 'bout time! I reckon' this be one of the darn best places I dun ever be! I shot me up thrice the ammount of laudonam, and made my way into that there town, raped me a couple women and then I...don't rememb' what else, but that's why this place rules so much, cuz the people here so dumb, you can just relax while mistreatin' 'em as such, ain't no law here! Woo!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 17, 1844
Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of Rock Creek.
Decided to ford the river.
Our train lost 1 wagon and 1 person crossing the river today.
Entry:
I reckon' that Miss Whitney be a nice lady, I raped her good and she still wanted t' talk! I dun diddily dun believe it! I reckon' I can't have people get suspicious tho', so when I forded that there river, I made sure her wagon wouldn't make it 'cross...and she died. Ain't my fault, I was in my wagon drunk and stoned like always...
- Walter
Narrator:
June 18, 1844
We had to double-team the animals to try to get our wagon out of the mud.
Entry:
Ag'in! No warnin' 'bout this damn here mud! I reckon' I walked my way up to the leader, then I remembered that...I am the leader... So I dun can't dun do nothin' but darn blame my damn self... So I reckon.. I just fired up my ol' stove oven's and cooked me up so much bacon that after I dun ate it all I blacked out, that way no one can blame me fo' nothin!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 21, 1844
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to continue over the obstruction.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to slow down.
Entry:
Everyone's all complainin' bout stupid shit now a days. Them wasn't rocks, I tell em, they was bodies. And I was right, don't ask me how I knew, I dun won't ever tell.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 24, 1844
Traded 19 16-oz. bottles of brandy for 1 spare wagon axle.
Entry:
I figure it was a good trade, that guy seemed nice.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 25, 1844
Broke a wagon axle today. We will have to trade for a replacement.
Heard news of a murder and hanging last night near Kanaka Rapids. Enough to send shivers down one’s spine.
Entry:
Oh jiminy jillickers! Tarnation damn diddily damn dammit! I dun got fooled again! Hold on I'll be right back...
Walter
Aight I'm back now, took care of that guy good! I dun, oh shit.. Everyone's talkin' bout the murder'n'hangin'.. OH Shit they're comin here!
Walter
Okay, okay, everythin' is cool... I just got 4 bodies in my wagon with me... it'll be okay, nobody saw, nobody knows... oh god... they're aft' me for sure now...
Narrator:
June 26, 1844
We just learned that I have been showing symptoms of scurvy. It seems I'll have to administer dover's powder.
Came to Thousand Springs.
Today we reached Upper Salmon Falls.
Entry:
That's right...blame it...alll on the scurvy... Yeeeesssss.... it was the scuurvy that made me do it......the scuurrrvy..... Oh lord, I'm gonna take me some more laudonam, I'm shakin' at my boots!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 30, 1844
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 10 pounds of salt pork.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 99 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Well, today was a fantastic day! I dun traded me that there bullets for some good ol' salt pork, I reckon I say I got ripped off, but who cares? Anyway, I decided then to go get me some huntin' down. I reckon I shot me a b'ar! I dun diddily do believe it! I only brought back enough for b'ar bacon and it's hide, but I reckon, I tell ya, there be a lot of b'arrrrr in these woods....
Walter
Narrator:
July 2, 1844
Much grumbling today about Nick Tillman near Three Islands.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 56 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Shit, today I heard some fella's talkin' bout Nick Tillman ag'in. I reckon we long passed Bat Country, and I reckon' they start'in to say I the one who stabbed him! I told em t' shut up, but they kept goin on about it...so well my .357 Magnum just came out of it's holster and fired up a storm... Oh cripes, the law is after me now! I gotta skidattle!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 3, 1844
After much travail, we came to Snake River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Thank the Lord for that there river, I dumped the four bodies I dun shot yesterday, in that river. Then I shot myself up with 5 bottles of Laudanum at once, Oh shit it's comin on!
Walter
(The rest of this page is scribbles)
Narrator:
July 4, 1844
It is Independence Day and we're going to continue.
Reached Hot Springs.
Entry:
Wootang! It be Independence Day! I can celebrate it this year cuz I am dun independent! This is the best dream I have ever dun lived. A couple more month's and I'll have survived a whole year eatin' bacon and drinkin' whiskey by myself alone on this stupid trail.
I reckon' Hot Springs is cold as ice! I reckon I decided to go get me all liquored up and dive on in. Everyone laughin at me now... I gonna get 'em.
Walter
Next time someone travels this way, this place aint be called Hot Springs no more...it'll be called Blood Falls....
- Walter
Narrator:
July 6, 1844
Today we reached Register Rock.
From now on, eight hours of travel per day.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Decided to take the trail a bit slower, why rush? I still got plenty o' bacon and whiskey and that there laudanum. I figure I gonna spend the rest of the day playin' my stolen Geetar!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 7, 1844
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 3 6-oz. bottles of ginger.
Entry:
I also found a little girl, but she wasn't alive no more when I was done wit' 'er... O' well, no one needs to know!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 8, 1844
Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Bonneville Point.
Entry:
Yeah RIGHT! This place is a dump! What's the Point?
- Walter
Narrator:
July 12, 1844
We just learned that I have been showing symptoms of scurvy. It seems I'll have to administer magnesia.
Entry:
I went crazy cuz I haven't had laudanum in a while, and attacked Mr. Lumare and his daughter, then I went on a rambling tirade about how we're all goin' into bat country! And scared everyone good! Cuz then I brought out my .357 Magnum and start'd shootin' I killed Mr. Pepperman's dog, but no one reckon say that a Mr. Pepperman exists. I dun reckon I shoot his dog tho..but no one say I dun shot nothin! I...don't know what's goin on no more..I just blame it on scurvy..
- Walter
Narrator:
July 13, 1844
The mosquitoes are driving us crazy, keeping us awake at night. We must continue.
Entry:
Today I started shootin all over the place in my wagon, cuz I woke up to swarms of black figures attackin' me. Turns out they wasn't bats, that they was just misquitos. I dun shot my bacon! O' well, a little lead in the bacon aint hurt nobody...
- Walter
Narrator:
July 15, 1844
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!) and edible Salsify roots.
Entry:
Today I picked my berries!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 18, 1844
Traded 2 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon tongue.
Entry:
I figure I'm gonna need it. That guy seemed nice too, I reckon' a good trade for once!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 19, 1844
The wagon tongue broke. We will trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Well Tarnations! I got swindled again! I dun reckon I shot that mo'fucker in the face when I caught up with him. I have neve' been insulted like this by no man so many times! I shot Mr. Lumare in the face too for tryin' to talk sense into me, he's dead now. These people are all against me! I dun just wanted to live the dream!
I got in a big fight with Frodo Baggin's cuz he's a beitch. And then I shot Mr. Roger Tillman in the face cuz he tried to dun thwart my beatings on Frodo. I tell ya these people are springin' the trap soon, I dun just wanted to live the American Dream. I gonna spend the rest of the night eatin' bacon....
Walter
I just shot me up a full quart of Laudanum...man...now everythin' seems to make sense... I reckon' tomorrow'll be another grand day of huntin' and all this...murder stuff'll blow over. I gotta relax and get back on the trail and get done finished with my dream....
- Walter
Narrator:
July 20, 1844
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 98 pounds of meat.
I was just mauled by a bear. Seems best if we clean and dress the wound.
Walter Graves died.
EYE WITNESS ACCOUNTS:
Many witnessed Mr. Walter Graves march out of his wagon this morning, with his .357 Magnum for what appeared to be for hunting. Some say they saw him shoot up 10 bottles of full laudanum, others say they saw him drink a whole gallon of whiskey upon leavin' his wagon. Then as he approached the hunting fields... He threw his gun at a bear striking it in the face from about 30 yards away, then he charged it like a maniac screaming in irate rage. He tackled the bear but met his fate when the bear mauled off his face...
This here ends the trail of Walter X. Graves, he murdered his family, murdered his friends, lived his dream and got mauled by a bear. Also we found 2 wagons full of bacon grease, and his main wagon full of bacon and two stoves cooking enough bacon for two families, for reasons that still remain a mystery...
THE END
Walter Graves 35
Wifey 17
Little Girl 5
Narration:
April 30, 1843
Here begins the journal of Walter Graves, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Sacramento River Valley. We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.
I hope that my skill in commerce/trade will prove of some value.
Entry:
My name is Walter, Walter Graves, and I declare that I will survive this trail alone, people say I'm a foo and they question how I'm goin' it alone if I'm takin my wife and daughter with me... Let's just say I forgot to pay some taxes and I aint got no choice but to leave now cuz a couple rounds of fisticuffs and a good guffin' turned into a couple fellony's that well, let's just say put a few families in the dirt! and abou' me bringin' my fam'ly...well lets just say there's ways to get rid of em...
- Walter Graves
I'm gonna stock up on whiskey, bacon and laudanum tomorry, I reckon.
- Walter
Papa says we goin to Heaven!
- Little Girl
Narration:
May 1, 1843
Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 4 horses, 2 mules, 14 oxen.
Purchased 750 pounds of bacon, 1 pair of boots, 150 pounds of coffee beans, 1 guitar, 200 pounds of ham, 1 harmonica, 1 hat, 20 16-oz. jars of honey, 4 16-oz. tins of lantern oil, 1 pair of long underwear, 27 16-oz. tins of maple syrup, 18 boxes of matches, 1 pair of mittens, 25 16-oz. jars of molasses, 50 pounds of salt pork, 1 set of clothing, 40 5-lb. sacks of tobacco, 1 winter coat, 1 winter scarf.
Purchased 3 8-oz. jars of aloe vera, 4 8-oz. bottles of alum, 5 16-oz. bottles of ammonia, 4 16-oz. boxes of borax, 18 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 5 4-oz. bottles of calomel, 3 8-oz. bottles of camomile, 4 4-oz. bottles of camphor, 3 4-oz. bottles of capsicum, 2 16-oz. bottles of castor oil, 5 8-oz. jars of dandelion, 6 8-oz. boxes of Dover's Powder, 6 8-oz. bottles of Duffy's Elixir, 3 12-oz. bottles of epsom salts, 5 8-oz. bottles of hydrogen peroxide, 3 4-oz. bottles of iodine, 5 4-oz. bottles of ipecac, 2 16-oz. bottles of isopropyl alcohol, 5 4-oz. boxes of James Fever Powder, 2 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 5 6-oz. bottles of lecithin, 4 8-oz. bottles of linseed oil, 3 12-oz. bottles of magnesia, 3 16-oz. bottles of olive oil, 7 4-oz. bottles of peppermint, 5 4-oz. bottles of quinine, 3 4-oz. bottles of sarsaparilla, 2 6-oz. bottles of sassafras, 3 4-oz. bottles of spearmint, 4 6-oz. bottles of sulfur, 6 16-oz. bottles of turpentine, 17 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 70 boxes of 20 bullets, 20 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder, 20 10-lb. sacks of shot, 3 rifles, 1 pistol.
Purchased 775 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 18 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 10 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 5 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 875 pounds of bacon, 30 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 9 16-oz. bottles of brandy,
8 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 17 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 7 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 6 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 3 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 12 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 10 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 11 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 5 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 11 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 650 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 1 Conestoga wagon.
Purchased 10 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 8 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 12 16-oz. bottles of brandy.
Purchased 10 oxen.
Purchased 550 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 9 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 19 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 500 pounds of bacon, 35 boxes of matches, 50 5-lb. sacks of tobacco.
Purchased 2 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 13 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Entry:
I tol' Wifey to shut up and smack'd her good in her face cuz she naggin' bout how too much bacon' bad for the heart. I tell her that she dun nothin' but a bitch. So then I punched her good! Should' see the black eye I gave'd 'er
- Walter Graves
I aint need this frustration tho, soon it'll just be me, the trail, and a shit load of bacon. Oh I can't wait til they're dead!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 2, 1843
Purchased 6 6-oz. bottles of cinnamon, 50 10-lb. sacks of salt.
Purchased 15 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 4 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 20 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 725 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 750 pounds of bacon.
Purchased 5 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 9 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 13 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 10 16-oz. bottles of brandy, 3 4-oz. bottles of laudanum, 7 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 12 gallon jugs of whiskey.
Purchased 1 4-oz. bottle of laudanum.
Entry:
I dun reckon' that's enough booze, bacon and salt for the trip. Now to kill my family...But I won't waste the bullets from my .357 Magnum on their hethen asses. No sir I won't ruin my great name for that. I'm gonna do what them rich folk do when they don't like no 'ne
I got me a couple horses, and brought my own Vincent Black Shadow alon' with me, she's the only one I wanted t' travel with.
- Walter Graves
And wait no, I don't mean by shootin' em!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 3, 1843
I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.
Misplaced my guidebook at Blue River today. Luckily we found it before leaving.
Decided to ford the river.
Saw a grave dug up by wolves near Westport--bones scattered about. A most distressing sight!
Went gathering. We found edible Rose hips, poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Sunflower seeds and edible Chickory leaves and roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Rose hips, edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Sunflower seeds and edible Salsify roots.
Entry:
Well, today I was elected captain, of this retard'd train of wagons, these people are fools I tell ya. Why? I just wanna be lef' alone! I ain' 'anna do dis shit, so I beat the face of whoeve' I don' rememb' cuz I drank a gallon of whiskey and shot up some laudanum for the ceremon'..I don't think anybod'll mess with me for a while now.
- Walter
Oh my god! I think he killed Little Girl!
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 4, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Ground Cherry berries, edible Currants, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Prairie Poppymallow roots.
Entry:
Damn, no poison today. Rats. I guess' I gotta tolerate these...people...anothe' day.
- Walter
Man that Laudanum really smooves out all the kinks.
- Walter
I was surprised at how well that man can pick berries.
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 5, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Came to New Santa Fe.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Black Nightshade berries, edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Rose hips and edible Yucca flowers and pods.
Entry:
You should' seen the look on Little Girl's face when she was pukin'! Oh boy was that a sight! I kicked her good in the stomach to make sure she dun recover! I just wanna be alone dammit!
- Walter
This trip better be worth it dammit...
- Walter
I think that bastard poisoned her... How could he do this to our daughter?
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 6, 1843
Wifey has food poisoning, and we're planning to increase fluid and salt intake.
Dreadful thunderstorm today. I figured it was best to continue as usual.
Passed Lone Elm.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Sunflower seeds.
Went gathering. We found edible Sumac berries, edible Sow Thistle leaves, poisonous Henbane berries and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Entry
Woowee! I poisoned Wifey good! Now to finish the job, goin berry pickin' ag'in!
- Walter
Man today took a turn for the shitters, that thunderstorm dun woke me up from a black out I had cuz I decided I better get completely wasted today, cuz I dun reckon' I got in a fight with some..one af'er I poison my wife good, they gave me some guff and I got down and struck them swine good upside the head. Ain't no man mess with me since.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 8, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Currants, edible Chickory leaves and roots, edible Plantain leaves and edible Prickly Pear pads.
entry:
Damn. They still alive? What in tarnations! This trip is gonna be longer than I dun planned.... If I make it and they's alive, I'm turnin' back!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 9, 1843
Today we drove our wagons and teams past Blue Mound.
Entry:
Blue Mound is where I was hopin' to bury my wife. But she still alive, I dun shoveled some dirt on her while she was sleepin last night, but Little Girl's cryin distracted me and I had to beat her, by the time I was done, it was already dawn and people were begin'in to ask questions...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1843
Traded 1 winter coat for 1 spare wagon tongue.
Entry:
Today's a sad day. I had to trade my winter coat, I was sad til I realized there was no winter, it was like 85 today, that dumbass just got robbed.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 11, 1843
The wagon tongue broke. We will trade for a replacement.
Entry:
What the hell? I knew Little Girl was up t' no good! She tryin' to ruin this trip by playin' with that damn wheel. I beat her ass good!
- Walter
I don't know what's gotten into Walter lately...it's like...he's gone mad.
- Wifey
Papa said I was in trouble for not being in heaven...
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 12, 1843
A mighty severe thunderstorm came up. We’re going to continue as usual.
Lightning killed one of our draft animals.
Entry:
Holy tarnations! God himself dun struck down and killed one of my oxen! That was amazing. I dun beat Wifey and kicked Little Girl good while they was sleepin! They anger god cuz I just wann' be alone! I knew God was on my side. Why wont they die lord? why wont they die?
- Walter Graves
Dear god... he really wants us dead... he's been poisoning us on purpose!
- Wifey
(nothing but blood covering this page)
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 15, 1843
Made an early start this morning; passed Kansas River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
I reckon' I wanted to Ford that river, but then I thought about the bacon...I can't lose that bacon, oh lo'd no. But damn, maybe I should have, cuz it could' kill my family...
- Walter
P.S. Why wont they jus' leave me be!
I'm surprised he didn't ford tha' river! Maybe he's not trynna kill us afte' all... He even held Little Girl while we crossed!
- Wifey
I wasn't holdin' I was chokin'
- Walter
Narrator:
May 16, 1843
Passed the hundred mile mark today.
Entry:
100 miles! And I'm still bein' peskered by my asshole fam'ly! Oh God why! Strike down one of them lightnin' bolts and kill me already! I can't make it with their naggin' and cryin... I beat Little Girl good cuz she start'd snorin' last night...
- Walter
Papa said snorin' the growl of the devil...but he does it all the time....
- Little Girl
I beat Little Girl again f' bein' smart.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 17, 1843
Today came to Red Vermillion River.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Red River? I aint see no red! This map is lies! I hereby reckon I can't trust no one these days! I dun burnt my map and decidin' my own course! So long!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 18, 1843
Passed some time near Scott Spring.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Locoweed pods, poisonous Snow-on-the-mountain leaves, edible Raspberries and edible Sumac berries.
Entry:
If this Locoweed don't kill Little Girl, I don't know what will! I almost tempted to head back to Independance and bury my head in shame!
- Walter
I was hopin' to put my .357 Magnum to the test, but some scab creature must'v caught site of my Red Shark and White Whale (That's what I call call Little Girl and Wifey when I'm doped up on laudanum)
- Walter
Narrator:
May 19, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Sow Thistle leaves and poisonous Black Nightshade berries.
Entry:
I got 'er good! Yeehaw! Watchin' her suffer every couple'a'days makes me feel like I'm workin' on a project, which I am, I just wanna be alone!
- Walter
I told her not to fuckin eat that shit!
- Wifey
Narrator:
May 20, 1843
Wifey has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Chickory leaves and roots, edible Currants and Poison Hemlock leaves.
Entry:
I got that bitch good before she dun mouth off and educate my daughter. I hope she starts bleeding from her eyes. This journal is startin' to get too repetative and angry for my tastes. I jus' wanna chill out and get doped up and eat bacon, which be what I been dun doin' but I aint need their incessant naggin' I dun don't know how t' spell, so who'ver readin' this can go fuck dem selves cuz I dun need their ig'nant naggin' neether!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 21, 1843
The trail continues to provide wonders and surprises! Today we made it to Alcove Spring.
Went gathering. We found edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Arrowhead roots, edible Rose hips and edible Black Raspberries.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 95 pounds of meat.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Locoweed pods, edible Blackberries, edible Currants and edible Chokecherries.
Came to Big Blue River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.
Entry:
Today, nothin' but the usual, pickin' poison, eatin bacon, and THEN this sumbitch just walks infront of our wagon! I ran his ass down full speed. I thou't he was dun the undead!
- Walter Grave
Oh no! He killed Mr. Baker, he was such a nice man, oh god...
Wifey
Narrator:
May 23, 1843
We were delayed at Big Blue River. We decided to wait our turn to cross.
Fording the river looks to be our best option.
Entry:
Papa says that Fording the river is the best way for us to get to heaven, yay!
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 24, 1843
Another step on the trail; today we reached St. Joseph Road Junction.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
I accidentally got shot. I decided to treat with an antiseptic.
Entry:
The one time I don't want to make it across the river! Blast it. I don't wanna have to shoot them. Where the hell is my .357 Magnum?
- Walter Graves
Oh God! Little Girl got a hold of the .357 Magnum and shot me in the arm! Deer God! if I die like this it'll be the cruelest joke God hath ever dun bring to this world! I can't even beat her, because my arm wont move. Oh it's startin' to fire up, I dun drenched it with whiskey like a real man, but I dun think no ammount of high/drunk or bacon can block out this pain. But I dun am sure go'n try.
- Walter
I was aiming for his head! cuz we still not in heaven.
- Little Girl
Narrator:
May 26, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 137 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I felt a little better today, so I beat the shit outta Little Girl good, tellin' her to aim the gun at Wifey next time, and then I went out to hunt. I shot me some rabbits and a deer! Woowee! It's nice to see my gun put to use, I dun reckon I tried to shoot my wife but I was unde' "surveliance" I aint know what that is, but I beat my wife good when I got back for usin' my laudanum!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 27, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Black Raspberries, edible Prairie Poppymallow roots, edible Raspberries and edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries.
Went gathering. We found edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Salsify roots and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Entry:
Dammit, no poison today! What the hell kind of shit is this! Guess I'll go take a laudonap!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 28, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Currants, edible Elderberries, poisonous Water Hemlock leaves and edible Blackberries.
Entry:
Finally, this stuff'll do'er good. Well, off to rape Wifey, so long.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 29, 1843
Little Girl has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sunflower seeds, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, edible Burdock roots and edible Elderberries.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 188 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I got Little Girl good! She actually thought it was corn! There aint no corn in this stupid world. I beat her for bein' retarded, maybe a good whack with my guitar upside her head she'll git smarter.
Take that ya stupid deer! .357 Magnum showed true promise today, but I still aint wanna use 'er on my fam'ly! But why isn't this poison shit workin'? Have I failed where every royal/rich rouge bag in the hist'y o' My world dun succeeded? How could I be such a failure, then I guess it is still kind' fun to watch them suffer on occasion. I still think Wifey dun repor' me to the damn authorita'. Tomorry I gonna break 'er legs good.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 31, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Blackberries, edible Sumac berries, poisonous Henbane berries and edible Elderberries.
Entry:
Another day another food poisonin' damn this trip thus far been nothin' but loathin. I'm afraid they gonna start gettin' suspicious that I'm the only one not gettin poisoning... But that wont stop me! I just wanna be left alone! Hell they could just walk across the desert for all I cared! I don't ca'e! I jus' wanna travel alone, I aint wanted this...
- Walter
I guess we all gotta go through a struggle to live a dream.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 2, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I shot me a rabbit, and put it on Little Girl's head while she was asleep. Oooh! you should' heard her cries when she woke up covered in blood and guts! Wifey has been lookin' at me rather fearfully as of late, which is good, that means more beatin'!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 4, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Cattail roots, Poison Hemlock leaves, edible Breadroot tubers and poisonous Black Nightshade berries.
Narrator:
June 5, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
Man watching her get sick is kinda like readin' a 3 month old news paper, who the fuck cares about what dun happened 3 months ago? I mean shit, we need somethin new and exciting, like her dyin' cuz thats what I want to happen!
- Walter Graves
P.S. Man...I really really suck at murder...
Narrator:
June 6, 1843
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of The Narrows.
Entry:
Let me tell you somethin' bout them Narrows. Aint nothin' but a bunch of rocks and stupid savages. I aint restin' here, I dun reckon last thing I do is step foot on the darned dirt!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 11, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Wild Onion bulbs, edible Violet leaves, edible Sow Thistle leaves and edible Chokecherries.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 103 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Today I went out to find poison, but came back with nothin' but good eatin' so I took my vegeance out on a few deer, nothin' uncommon aroun' here, til someone decided to go mouth off and call me a Taffer!
I laughed him off, to which he responded with a cold glare, which was fine...
Them be the last words that man says, cuz I reckon he's most of the "meat we obtained...."
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 13, 1843
A mighty severe thunderstorm came up. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
God DAMN! Barbeque human tastes gooooood! I aint dare tell no one now, but it was so good that when I caught Wifey and Little Girl takin' bits of them ribs, I beat em senseless. I just wanna be on my own! They can go pick their own poisons.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 15, 1843
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to apply sulfur to wound.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Sonovabitch, if I die right now I'm nothin' but the worst failure known to man. I can't even murder my family! I get shot, but survive so I guessin' that failure was passed on to Little Girl, I can't have them ruin my good name, I hope this "Sulfur" does me good, it sure sounds "scientific."
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 17, 1843
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to wait to see what they do.
They approached us and we talked.
Entry:
Those damn strangers came up to me actin' like they owned the place, I offered em to take Little Girl, Hell, spoil me the trouble of gettin' blood on my hands I said. I think that scared em off good.... Dammit, they really could've dun did me a favor.
- Walter
I told those men about the his plot to kill us, and they ran off, I sure hope they bring me and my daughter justice!
- Wifey
Narrator:
June 18, 1843
We found ourselves surrounded by a swarm of grasshoppers. We'll continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found poisonous Black Nightshade berries, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Chokecherries and poisonous Water Hemlock leaves.
Entry:
I'm gonna get my wife good for talkin' to them strangers, aint no one speak without my presence in my domain!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 19, 1843
Wifey has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Got the bitch!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 20, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Good night.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 21, 1843
Arrived at “The Coast of Nebraska”, despite some “help” from Nicholas J. Tillman.
Entry:
That Mr. Tillman is a good man, let me tell ya I tol' him 'bout how I was plannin' goin 'bout this road alone, and my naggin' wife and daughter damn begged t' come alon'. He dun "advised me as my attourney" I reckon that I stage an accident that'd finish 'em off for good. I was grateful for this bit of insight, but my gut soon swelled with bile at some foo' who trynna tell ME, Walter damn Graves, What to do! I met up with Mr. Tillman later that day and introduced him to my .357 Magnum and a bullet, yes I did... let's just say Little Girl and Wifey are eatin' Tillman Stew for the rest of the month...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 23, 1843
The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Sow Thistle leaves, edible Violet leaves, edible Wild Onion bulbs and edible Asparagus shoots.
Entry:
Everyone's complainin' bout that dang dust again, I say let the horses go where they go, and stay inside and play the geetar, hell if that aint enuff, shoot up some Laudanum...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 24, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Groundplum pods, edible Breadroot tubers, Poison Hemlock leaves and edible Asparagus shoots.
Entry:
Well, back to the master plan...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 25, 1843
Little Girl has a bad case of food poisoning. I decided to continue as usual.
Went gathering. We found edible Arrowhead roots, edible Milkweed shoots, poisonous Henbane berries and poisonous Black Nightshade berries.
Entry:
I'm just 'bout losin' hope in this poison everyone is so afraid of, I mean aside from a li'l vomitting these two bitch's have survived every known ailment. What the hell kind of woman was Wifey when I did I kidnapped her those years ago?
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 26, 1843
Happened upon a fresh grave near Plum Creek. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.
Entry:
I had to act as shocked as everyone else cuz I decided to g' huntin' last night after I shot up a whole bottle of laudanum and drank me a lot of whiskey. I dun know what happened but what I remember was someone sayin "Howdy" and then my .357 Magnum respondin' with its classic "BANG BANG BANG!" all was a blur but I reckon dun realized I had shot Mr. Bilbo Baggin's. He was a nice feller, not the brightest but damn, I had no choice but to bury his sorry ass, what was he tinkin' jumpin' infront'v my Magnum like that? I dun reckon folk round here dumber than a sack of hamburgers! I dun think no one noticed, but every'ne noticed that there grave. So much for his plans, on writin' some stupid novel I dun know what it was gon' be abou' but man, I just shot up some more of that there laudanum, aint no one suspect a man on a laudanum binge.
- Walter Graves
Papa said that's where heaven is!
- Little Girl
I just caught Little Girl playin' around in that grave, I dun beat her good once she said she just wanted to play in Heaven. I dun tol' her not to do that shit ag'in! I try so hard to make it on this trip alone and now the authority is on to me, that's the last darn thing I needed.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 29, 1843
Wifey came down with cholera. We've got to continue as usual.
Entry:
Hot damn, I'm happier than a jitterbug today, even caught me a June Bug too! Wifey came down with a disease called "Cholera" I reckon there aint no cure for that, it sounds too scientific to be survivable! I'm drinkin' two gallons of whiskey tonight! Hell! I'll even let Little Girl have some Laudanum too!
- Walter Graves
Little Girl does some crazy shit when she's loaded on Laudanum, I thought it'd just knock her out, but shit made her jump off the wagon and attack my horses! I reckon I can't be havin' injured livestock so I beat her ass! I give her drugs and this is the thanks I get? Now I remember why I've been poisonin' em...
- Walter Graves
P.S. Laudanum is a hell of a drug
Narrator:
June 30, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Black Raspberries, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!) and edible Raspberries.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Wavy-Leafed Thistle stems and flowers, edible Sow Thistle leaves and edible Sunflower seeds.
Narrator:
July 1, 1843
Wifey has food poisoning, and we're planning to administer laudanum.
Went gathering. We found edible Elderberries, edible Plantain leaves, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
I hate to waste my precious laudanum, but maybe an overdose'll kill 'er!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 2, 1843
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Narrator:
July 4, 1843
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
It is Independence Day and we're going to continue.
Arrived at O’Fallon’s Bluffs today.
Went gathering. We found edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Wavy-Leafed Thistle stems and flowers, poisonous Locoweed pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
It's Independence Day? That town was a dump. I spit in Mr. Tillmans brother's face for tryin to make me get outta my wagon. I punched him in is fat face, nearly killed him. I hope he dies soon like his brother, Nicholas. I dun need him snoopin' round my projects.
I reckon' Wifey an' Little Girl shoul' not eat and starve to death, so I aint gotta kill nobody understood?
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 5, 1843
Little Girl has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful.
We did not find anything useful.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to continue as usual.
Entry:
Another day, another poisoning. Boy that wagon was fun to kick over! I dun did try and make Little Girl stand inside when I dun knocked it down, bu' her dumb mother called her inside, I'm gonna beat 'er...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 6, 1843
I just learned that I have an infection. I decided to clean and dress wound.
We endured an extremely severe thunderstorm today. We decided to continue as usual.
Entry:
Damn Red Shark and her shootin' me with my .357 Magnum, what a cruel twist of irony! I dun reckon' they think me a dead man soon, but I reckon' I'll be the one travelin' this trail alone soon, drinkin' whiskey, eatin' bacon, That's all I wanted out of this life! c'mon lemme live out the American Dream!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 8, 1843
One of the mules got injured, and we're trying to abandon injured animal.
Entry:
I don't know how hard it is to abandon a stupid animal, I reckon I kicked it good while it was down! That aint hard, that is dun be some fun kickin!
Everyone sayin' that "I'm nuts, that I'm tryin to kill my family, that I was the last person to see Tillman and now that dun Bilbo Baggins creep alive." If that were true then why am I still captain of this damn ignant wagon train?
- Walter
Narrator:
July 9, 1843
We endured an extremely severe thunderstorm today. We decided to continue as usual.
The trail's flooded. We had to try to ford through the water.
Entry:
Man it's nights like these where laudanum and whiskey just make the world a wodnerful place to be, I just let my horses go the course I sure hope they know where they goin...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 13, 1843
Today we reached South Platte River.
Decided to ford the river.
Entry:
I aint have no hopes no more, this river dun look too deep at all for an "accident." Oh well, I guess it'll be back t' more poison'pickin' tomorrow...
- Walter
Narrator:
July 14, 1843
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 98 pounds of bacon; 45 pounds of coffee beans; 44 pounds of ham; 1 hat; 3 16-oz. jars of honey; and various other items.
We suffered a terrible loss. Little Girl drowned. We plan to continue immediately.
Entry:
YEEEEEHAWWW! Today is the happiest day of my life! Little Girl dun drowned when I tipped my wagon! Woo! I'm gonna go celebrate by raping Wifey!
- Walter
Oh my poor Little Girl! Oh god! He killed her!
- Wifey
I dun read what she said...I beat her good during and after the rape...
- Walter.
P.S. Yes, I left Little Girl dead in the water.
Narrator:
July 16, 1843
Today we have traveled 500 miles.
Went gathering. We found edible Breadroot tubers, edible Prickly Pear pads, poisonous Butterfly Milkweed pods and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Approached Ash Hollow today. Some people in our wagon train are very tired of the journey.
Entry:
What a blessed day! 500 miles, and Little Girl is gone, I couldn't be happier! Now as soon as my wife leaves this Earf I can finally enjoy some peace and quiet along this trail that everyone so damn afraid o'...
- Walter Graves
What's this I hear about people bitchin' bout bein tired? It ain't like they dun is walkin, and if they dun walked all this way why the hell are they complainin'? I had a couple rounds of fisty cuffs with Mr. Wayne dun over there, knocked his ass out cold, he reckon a rich man, but damn I say the mo' money ya haves, the mo' of a bitch ye' become. I reckon these people don't know how close I am to livin' my dream. They act like I'm crazy fer leavin' Little Girl dead in the water, I say the vultures need nutrition!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 17, 1843
Wifey has food poisoning, and we're planning to continue as usual.
Entry:
I dun get her good! Woo she didn't expect me to poison her brandy!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 19, 1843
A prairie fire spread across the trail today. It seemed best to continue as usual.
Wifey has a bad burn, and we're hoping to continue as usual.
Entry:
I knew that fire would get her good! Cuz I pushed her ass damn out of my wagon and into it! She's all burnt, and everyone's worried about her dyin, cept me, Hell I even had me an affair with the late Mr. Tillman's wife, I dun reckon laudanum makes people do crazy shit! Now that Wifey's disfigured I can mingle with the town folk, and loosin' up a bit. They all gonna witness my dream soon! Damn it has been a hard path to follow, but I swear tomorrow's lookin allll the sweeter!
- Walter Graves
Everyone has been so apologetic lately cuz my dun family dun be dead, but Wifey aint dead yet, so I ain't celebratin' but I tell 'em like I tell you, that I dun be the happiest person on earf! My dream has come true and now all these people think me a murderer, but I ain't no murderer! I aint start that fire, I aint make that river, and I ain't shoot Mr. Tillman, Vincent Black Shadow did. Now they all scared that there's a gangster among us. Boy they's dumb fools!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 2, 1843
Morale is very low. We are going to continue.
Wifey has an infection, and we're hoping to rub salt in the wound.
We suffered a terrible loss. Wifey has died. We plan to continue immediately.
ENTRY:
Now the REAL Journey begins! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAWWWWW! I alone will survive the rest of this trail. I will eat bacon, drink whiskey, kill animals and play my geetar while loaded up on Laudanum! Woowee! This is a proud day for mankind! The American Dream will prosper with the great demons: The Red Shark and the White Whale vanquished from their mortal coils!
- Walter Graves
P.S. I knew I bought that 500 pounds of salt for a reason!
Narrator:
August 3, 1843
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Courthouse and Jail Rocks. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
Just as I begin' celebratin' my triumph, my damn horses decide to try drinkin' shit water. Where was that water when Little Girl was alive? It'd have been fun to push 'er in there, I reckon. But 'nuff 'bout that, gonna stay here a coupl' days and rebuff my conscious with some mo' laudanum and whiskey... I'm gonna miss beatin' em...
- Walter
Narrator:
August 8, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 5 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Today I woke up with a stern hangover, Holy jesus christ it's been 5 days? I don't even remember 2! What the hell did I do? Everyone has been cautious of me all day. What I do? What I do?
I went huntin' today for kicks, and just started shootin' and shootin' and then I hit what I thought was a rabbit, but it turned out to be some foo's cat. I dun reckon I retrieved that treat quick, ain't no meat like cat meat I reckon'
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 9, 1843
Today we have traveled for 100 days.
It's mighty hot today. We’re going to slow down.
Entry:
Has it been 100 days already? Woo! That barely makes the start of this adventure, that means my family dyin' was nothin' but a prologue to my drug enduced road trip across the great trail tha' everyon' so 'fraid of! I ain' afraid, I just lettin my horses go as they do, while I eat my bacon.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 11, 1843
We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 1 mirror; 1 cast iron stove; 1 hope chest.
Played cards with Mr. Tillman today while nooning near Chimney Rock. I suspect he cheats.
Entry:
I came across an "abandoned" wagon. I say "abandoned" cuz last night I dun snuck into Bill Fortnip's wagon, this good f'nothin' swine who gave me guffin' other day while I was drinkin' with Miss Tillman, he tol' her I kill'd her husband and my family. So I dun reckon I maintain'd my composure, y'know, so I could make hi'self look crazy, so that I could still bang Miss Tillman later.
Well dun after I banged Miss Tillman I left and paid Mr. Fortnip (what a damn horrible ass name is Fortnip anyway? Dun ask me, he ain't need it no mo'.) a visit, in which Vincent Black Shadow made their wagon abandoned, and I helped myself to a fine mirror, cuz y'know I am that awesome, that I must be viewed from all angles, 'n such, and I got me anoth' cast iron stove, for bacon cookin'! Woot damn! Twice the bacon in one day, this trip is turnin' out to be the best damn dun trip ever!
- Walter Graves
After another bang with Miss Tillman, I met up with Nicholas's brother Roger Tillman for a few drinks. He's not a bad guy once you get t' know 'em but damn does he babble on about bein' a journalist. I dun reckon the itch to introduce him to my friend .357 Magnum like his brother, but I dun not ready to hear anothe' bitch (Miss Tillman) cry ag'in. I just got rid o' my family, and that would just be a hindrance to my dream, to ride this out alone. So I dun shot up some laudanum while I drank Mr. Tillman under the table, he passed out so I gave him a couple kicks t' his ribs for bein' so drab and borin' of a person. Hopefully he wakes up in great pain, cuz he's a sissy. Goin' to sleep now, after I eat me mo' bacon.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 13, 1843
Went gathering. We found edible Prickly Lettuce leaves, edible Plantain leaves and edible Wavy-Leafed Thistle stems and flowers.
Entry:
Today I went berry pickin', I almost dun taked back poison f' ol' time sake, cuz I dun reckon' I aint poisonin no one no mo' it's like a darned revelati'n. Anywhoo I was out there in the field pickin' me berries when I started gettin' attacked by huge black flying creatures. Bigger than a dog man! I had my .357 Magnum wit me so 'course he star' firin' I damn couldn't hit one of 'em! I shot Miss Tillman in the stomach tho, I dun did not mean it I swear! Everyone came roarin' out to butcher me, when I explained she was attacked by bats! "This is Bat country" I said, and they all start'd screamin, and running in mass panic, which was goo' cuz while they was dun scattlin' 'bout, I dun did find a pit to put Miss Tillman in, and said that bat's came and took 'er off, I swears I ain't make this up!
- Walter Graves
I'm back in my wagon now, cookin' me up two stoves worth of bacon, drinkin' me some whiskey. I dun say this is the most kingly act of all hist'ry. I say that I regret killin' Miss Tillman, but those bats are still out there, I see their shadows from outside, I ain't leavin this wagon again!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 14, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 4 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I dun knew them bats was real! I dun shot me one! That Mr. Roger Tillman tol' me that it was a crow, but I dun reckon I punched him good in the face, knockin' him out cold in the dirt with bat guts that I then threw on him, after stabbin' him with my huntin' knife. Now people wont question my bat sightin's.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 15, 1843
The trail brought us to Scotts Bluff today.
Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Robidoux Pass. If I were superstitious, I’d call it a bad omen.
Entry:
Dear god! Today was a dreadful day, I rode out there with Vincent Black Shadow and my .357 Magnum to go do me some good huntin' and I saw them damn bats ag'in! They were peckin' at Roger Tillman's bones, I reckon no one bother'd bury his ass cuz I tol' em that the Bat's'll kill any man who attempts to bury the dead. I dun shot me up some laudanum good, to y'know calm my senses, and that's when I saw a 7 foot tall bat, just standin' in front've my wagon! I am quick with the draw, and my .357 Magnum took its face clean off! A mob of fella's came out to what I thought was to praise me for slayin' the great beast, then I realized they were all mad crazy, about as crazy as I had gone when these bats started invadin' my wagon the othe' night!
I was tackled to the ground, and I herd people dun cryin' and screamin', turns out I dun did shot Mr. Willamont Presley, a rich bastard, who was wearin' his tuxedo around actin' like a big man. I'm glad I shot his ass, but I swear he was a bat...man. Holy dun did darn did do! He was a Batman! Fuck vampire's, em shits aint scary, but Batmen? Them shits is real! I dun reckon' I saw it's black eyes and fangs. I dun explained my sitiation to the town folk and they let me go on grounds of self defense, I swear I just wanna eat my bacon, I ain't mean to kill nobody... Laudanum is a hell of a drug...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 17, 1843
I have been dismissed as captain. I will continue as a greenhorn.
Entry:
Well damn it all to hell. Today I was dismissed as captian. Aft' all I had done fo' these people, protectin' em from the bat country, which we out've now, haven't seen none for days. I dun reckon' they say I'm a loose cannon, and I say damn right I am, I am Walter Graves. I shoot first, and ask no questions! The only answer is death when ye' git in my way. I dun care none anyway, I aint ev' want'd to be cap'n anyway, these people jus' wan' play me a foo' so I got me in a good ol' brawl with the new cap'n. Knocked his ass out cold, in fron'v'ever'body, that'll learn 'em f' choosin' some swine ov' me.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 19, 1843
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 5 1-lb. tins of smoked salmon.
Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to approach them.
They moved on.
Made it to Laramie River.
Entry:
Well now that I'm just an ordinary man, I guessin' I get to do whateve' I want, which is just what I wanted, too much stress leadin' these folk' blindly with my horses instincts. I dun reckon come by a wagon earlier, and found me some salmon! This trip just dun got better, I sure hope this trip lasts a bit longer, cuz I still got me two wagon's full of bacon to go eat!
- Walter Graves
P.S. The dream is good...
Narrator:
August 20, 1843
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Takin' it nice and easy now, no guff from strangers since I aint cap'n no more, ain't no bat's no more, hell I ain't even need to use my .357 Magnum for a while, I been dun gettin all but drunk and high these days, I say I reckon' floatin' just as good as ridin'
- Walter
Narrator:
August 21, 1843
Heard news of a murder and hanging last night near Fort John. Enough to send shivers down one’s spine.
Purchased 4 pounds of bacon.
Entry:
I went for a brisk walk last night, after huffin' some epsom salts and shootin up a couple full bottles of laudanum, I dun felt calmer than a tree I tell ya', whatev's that means. An'way there I was just takin' a nice stroll through my country, when this swine popped out'v the bushes to give me a good scare, at least that's what I realize now...word to the wise, dun never scare a man on an epsom salt binge, cuz there's nothin more depraved and humiliating than a man doped up on epsom salts.....I must've stomped that poor bastard good and I don't even remember the hangin' but I must've gotten the rope from the late Miss Tillman's wagon ov' there, and hung that poor bastard in a noose and dragged his ass with my horses. I say no one say nothin' cuz I stuck the corpse in a tree when I realized what I did dun do.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 25, 1843
Traded 2 16-oz. jars of honey for 1 4-oz. bottle of laudanum.
Traded 11 16-oz. tins of maple syrup for 1 25-lb. keg of pickles.
Entry:
I needed some more laudanum, not that my supply is runnin' low, but it's always a good idea to keep the drugs comin' in 'afore that day comes, but I say no man will make it to Oregon if that day comes...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 26, 1843
One of our Oxen stepped in a hole, and we are going to butcher the animal for meat.
We salvaged 169 pounds of meat.
Nooned near Register Cliff.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 2 pounds of meat.
Went gathering. We found edible Raspberries and edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!).
Entry:
I've learned one thing on these travels, Oxen are the dumbest sons of bitches to ever walk this earf. I put one up front of my wagon to rest my horses a while, and it dun walks in a hole. How dumb d'ya gotta be to step in a hole? I reckon I dun chopped the ol' girl up good for it's ignance.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
August 27, 1843
One of the oxen got injured, and we're trying to abandon injured animal.
Entry:
What the hell is goin' on? That's the second Oxen in two days! Had I been this good at killin the Red Shark and White Whale I'd've been happier a long ass time ago!
- Walter
Narrator:
August 29, 1843
We found an abandoned wagon. We decided to search it for something useful.
We did not find anything useful.
Entry:
Found another useless wagon, I dun reckon' people just don' know how to travel. Shit's easy, just do like me, stock up on laudanum, whiskey and bacon. Then kill your family, this has been the best darn trip I ever did take!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 1, 1843
Another step on the trail; today we reached Ayers Natural Bridge.
Entry:
I'm gonna take a nap.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 4, 1843
Passed some time near North Platte River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
I just woke up. Holy christ! Has it been 3 days? Deer lord, I guessin' that's okay cuz I can make myself some breakfast....bacon.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 5, 1843
Passed Emigrant Gap. Road fair to middling.
Entry:
Let's dun forget I been here 'afor...
- Walter
Narrator:
September 6, 1843
Stopped near Willow Springs for a while.
Narrator:
September 8, 1843
Today came to Independence Rock.
We will eat fewer meals.
Entry:
Oh christ no! I'm runnin' out'v bacon. How the hell did two wagon fulls of bacon just disappear? It can't be just cuz I use both stoves to cook piles of it all day, That dun be can't possible! I reckon' theres a thief... I'm gonna get 'em...
- Walter
P.S. That rock ain't Independent no more cuz I spit on it.
Narrator:
September 9, 1843
We saw a small party of coyotes today, just a mile or so west of Devil’s Gate.
Entry:
Devil's Gate, more like pile of worthless rocks.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 13, 1843
This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will slow down.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 106 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I decided to take Vincent Black Shadow out for some shootin' I shot me a deer and a rabbit, nothin' special but damn was it fun.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 14, 1843
Saw eagles today near Split Rock. What majestic creatures!
Narrator:
September 15, 1843
A thick fog rolled in today. Looks like we'll continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Piss on it.
- Walter
Narrator:
September 16, 1843
Heard some gunfire in the distance near Three Crossings. Much concern all around.
Entry:
I woke up hearin' gunfire goin' bout, for a second I thought that my .357 Magnum dun ran off and gone shootin' by itself! Til I dun realized my gun was under my pillow. I ate me some fine bacon, and bathed in bacon grease, ignorin' that gunfire that I heard earlier. Finally after a few hours of chill relax I shot me up some of that there Laudanum and went about askin' bout gunfire. They all thought me crazy, cuz they dun said they just saw me outside shootin' at the wagon train!
I reckon' I ain't insane, so I punched Mr. Franklin in his stomach good for callin' me crazy. I dun reckon just wanna eat my bacon, had I dreamt for murder, they's all be dead by now...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 18, 1843
The wagon got stuck in the mud. Had to double-team the animals.
Entry:
Damn rain makes mud all sticky! Oh well, I washed my anger away with some fine whiskey...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 19, 1843
Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front.
Entry:
I got everybody placin' bets on who's gonna drown, they all fools, ain't no one drown in quicksand I hear. I dun believe in the stuff, I mean it ain't like you sink quick!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 20, 1843
Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front.
Entry:
God damn again? I thought we was dun passed that!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 21, 1843
Just heard that there's quicksand ahead. Looks like we'll put weakest animal up front.
Rested the animals near Ice Spring Slough.
Entry:
Well I found that there "quick" sand everyone dun gripin' about. I got out my wagon and walked right across it myself, without a damn problem. I dun got my britches all filthy so I beat Mr. Clarkson in the face cuz he started laughin', then I pulled out .357 Magnum and reckon'd t' 'veryone else that if I were cap'n we'd all have bacon, instead of this there quicksand fear. All we gotitado is walk around it!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 23, 1843
Terrible fog during the early part of the day. We chose to continue as usual.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 92 pounds of meat.
Entry:
I dun did shot me a Deaf Bear, in the fog! I was all yellin at it, and throwin stuff at 'er and she just kept grazin' by, so my .357 Magnum dun her justice by puttin' a bullet in it's eye. I dun got me a fancy ass rug now! Woo!
- Walter
Baaaaaar con! Best damn dun bacon I ever dun have!
- Walter
I reckon' there be a lot of b'ar in these woods.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 24, 1843
Narrator:
September 26, 1843
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of Final Sweetwater River Crossing.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
That water tasted like piss! No wonder why the natives that used to live here dun gone extinct from that there siphillis plague them centuries ago. I reckon' I got syphilis now from drankin' that. I dun know how to spell none, so eat me.
- Walter Graves
Gonna caulk my wagon now, it's okay to laugh, what I dun just wrote made me laugh... Aight, now to cook me up some mo' B'ar bacon!
- Walter
Narrator:
September 27, 1843
The wagon got stuck in the mud. Had to double-team the animals.
Entry:
There's that damn mud ag'in. How come no one warned me 'bout this? No! They all scared about that there quicksand from 'afore, I reckon' this is more of a pain in the arse than a little bit of wet sand!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 28, 1843
Discovered that I have alkali sickness. Seems best if we increase rations.
The trail continues to provide wonders and surprises! Today we made it to South Pass.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 1 pound of meat.
Entry:
Oh Deer God no! I knew I dun did got me a disease from that there sweet water that there the other dun day! What the hell is this "alkali" anywhoo? Darn tootin' be reckon some crazy witchcraft. I reckon' tomorry' I go witch huntin!
- Walter Graves
Apparently the cure for this "Alkali" disease, is mo' bacon, cuz I feelin' fantastic now! Aight, goin' to shoot up me some good laudanum and go get me some huntin' food!
- Walter
Narrator:
September 29, 1843
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Pacific Springs. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
For some reason that water just reminded me of the sweet water I drank. Deer lord! I have a fear of water? I know dun it ain't cuz I drowned Little Girl....Iiiiiiiii Mean cuz Little Girl drowned. Yup. I ain't dun have no cause to 'er death....
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
September 30, 1843
Traded 1 rifle for 1 spare wagon axle.
Entry:
Today's a sad day, I had to sell one of my rifles...that I never dun use cuz the .357 Magnum has more calibur. I proved that when I shot that bastard's horse in the face to prove my .357 Magnum held bigger bullets than that there rifle I gave him, after the trade of course. Also I broke the rifle and kept the hair trigger for my geetar pick, cuz I lost my geetar pick a while back... Good tunes tonight!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 1, 1843
One of our wagon axles broke, and I decided to trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Son of a bitch! I've been ripped off! I mean I know I dun rip that bastar' off yesterday, dun turn out he pull the same shenanigan's on me!
....I gonna get 'em...
(there's a bullet hole on the bottom of this page.)
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 2, 1843
We will have heartier meals.
Rested for a time near Dry Sandy.
We will push on for ten hours/day from now on.
Entry:
Man, havin' only one stove of bacon' goin a day is like havin' t' pay Taxes. Which is why I recall leavin that Independence and livin' the dream in the first place! I reckon' I gonna pick up the pace tho, I'm not too keen on runnin' out of bacon and whiskey 'fore I make it to Oregon. If that happens...May God have mercy on us all...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 5, 1843
After much travail, we came to Green River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Another river, another caulk of the wagon I say. Caulkin' the way to go, ain't no water stupi' 'nuff t' defy physics...
- Walter
Narrator:
October 7, 1843
Passed the thousand mile mark today!
Felt somewhat weary today. Passed Church Butte.
Entry:
Jimminy jeepers! 1,000 miles already? Whew, ain't much further from the end of this long journey I reckon. This has been quite the dream, they say not to celebrate until' it's official, but I reckon' I need to brighten my spirits, tonight' gonna be a good time for another laudonap.
Narrator:
October 8, 1843
Commenced early today; saw Name Rock.
Entry:
Name Rock eh? I Name that Rock: Walter. Walter Graves.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 9, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Damn winter, I wish I hadn't traded that winter coat when I dun started! I didn't think this trip would take this long! Guess I'll start sleepin' with cooked bacon...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
October 10, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Woke up today colder than witches tit. I dun reckon' sleepin' with bacon ain't a good idea cuz when that shit gels up it make ya smell rank, and no one wants to be 'round that, almost found m'self kicked off this here wagon train... I reckon I gonna clean m'self and beat the cap'n...
- Walter
Narrator:
October 12, 1843
We got caught in a blizzard. I reckon we'll slow down.
Entry:
That snow almost damn near ruined my stove! I shook my fist angrily at god today, lemme tell ya! Ain't no God stand in my way of my bacon dream.
Narrator:
October 13, 1843
There was a wedding in camp today not far from Fort Bridger. A joyous occasion in the wilderness!
Traded 4 boxes of 20 bullets for 85 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 6-oz. bottles of lecithin for 16 pounds of bacon.
Traded 4 5-lb. sacks of tobacco for 55 pounds of bacon.
Traded 65 5-lb. sacks of tobacco for 70 dollars.
Purchased 45 pounds of coffee beans, 11 10-lb. sacks of dried beans, 30 pounds of ham, 3 5-lb. slabs of lard, 4 10-lb. sacks of onions, 60 pounds of salt pork.
Entry:
Well Tarnations! It looks like Mr. Roger Tillman and the late Bilbo Baggins' who I murdered's widowed wife, or daughter or whateve'the fuck, Frodo Baggins got married! People were acting shocked and appauled, I reckon' stories that Frodo was a man, but I've seen'er and Frodo looks like a bitch, wears a queer lookin' gold ring around her neck, like she retarded or somethin' and she dun always got that "Someone gonn' rape me" look that Wifey always had on her face... I guess dun reckon' people say it's a queer weddin' I say, it's queer cuz they're both mo'on's. I reckon' this whole here wagon train' bunch o' mo'on's too!
I watched the ceremony and I reckon' when I dun heard the priest say "I now pronounce you husband....and husband." I damn near shat myself! I ain't know there be dun queers afoot! Well, ain't bother me none, I could' guessed it from when I played them cards with Roger that one night, and had to beat his ass cuz he was all borin' and talkin' bout shit n' one gives shit 'bout. I reckon' now I und'stan' he was makin' a pass at me, had I known that then, he'd be a dead man. But he ain' bothe' me since, so I reckon' let them have their gay weddin' Just stay the hell away from me and my bacon!
- Walter Graves
I reckon' after that there weddin' I traded a bunch' shit I don't need for my much needed bacon supply. I reckon' I ain't gonna run out For Never!
- Walter
Narrator:
October 21, 1843
We will press on until we are exhausted each day.
We rested a while not far from Bear River.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 84 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Well what do you know! We at this B'ar River, and I dun gone and shot me a b'ar! That means mo' B'ar bacon! I reckon' these woods got a lot of b'ar!
- Walter Graves
P.S. got me a new b'ar rug too!
Narrator:
October 22, 1843
Not much else to do, but cross our fingers, and hope the ice holds.
Entry:
I reckon' I ain't cross no fingers fo' nothin' I jus' hope I dun lose my bacon!
- Walter
Narrator:
October 23, 1843
We lost 1 guitar; 1 16-oz. jar of honey; 1 16-oz. tin of maple syrup; 8 boxes of matches; 2 16-oz. jars of molasses; and various other items when our wagon fell through the ice.
Arrived at The Needles today.
Entry:
Oh no! My guitar! No no no no no! This is the saddest day of my life! I don't know what to do...
- Walter Graves
well....at least I didn't lose no bacon...I would've killed myself...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
November 7, 1843
Sore feet today, but I'll manage. Saw Echo Canyon.
Entry:
I yelled "Bacon!" as loud as I could and it still echoin' now!
- Walter Graves
P.S. my feet hurt cuz I dun tried stickin' my feet in the stove to warm up...
Narrator:
November 17, 1843
Will this journey never end! Today we have traveled for 200 days.
Entry:
Damn tarnations, this has been the best darn' trip a man coul' ask for, I just want it to be over, so I can win my pride, and spend the rest of m' days travelin' while eatin' bacon! I reckon I'll dun do this always...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
November 21, 1843
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 1 pound of meat.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Shot me a squirrel good!
- Walter
Damn winter sucks!
- Walter
Narrator:
November 24, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Damn it's cold... well, time for another laudonap!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
December 2, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Jus' woke up, damn this weather sucks, I'm goin' back to sleep!
- Walter
Narrator:
December 3, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 4, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 5, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 6, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 7, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
I tol' em to stop wakin' me up, I reckon' this weather sucks my pecker!
- Walter
Narrator:
December 8, 1843
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to wait for conditions to improve.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 9, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to wait for conditions to improve.
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to slow down.
Entry:
Made an attempt today, damn cap'n doesn't know what he dun damn is doin! I punched him good in the face, tol' everyone to just relax and shit damn... goin back for another quick laudonap...
- Walter
Well good lord, looks like we dun got ourselves movin! Time to fire up both my stoves and cook me some mo' bacon WOO!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
December 10, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Narrator:
December 11, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Entry:
Damn this weather is nasty, luckily I traded for all that bacon...
- Walter
Narrator:
December 12, 1843
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to try to find another path.
The people in the wagon train had the good judgement to reelected me as captain. I will accept position of captain.
Entry:
I made that there decision to find another way around them there fallen rocks, cuz our dun cap'n had gone missing.
- Walter Graves
P.S. Don't tell nobody, I dun did knock them rocks on the ol' cap'n....
Well tarnations! Looks like them poor bastards want me as cap'n! My only request was to have mo' bacon! YEEEHAW!
- Walter
Narrator:
December 13, 1843
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Entry:
Narrator:
December 18, 1843
Traded 1 ox for 1 spare wagon tongue.
Entry:
What? It seemed like a good trade...
- Walter Graves
P.S. Laudonam is a hell of a drug.
Narrator:
December 19, 1843
Our wagon tongue broke, and we decided to trade for a replacement.
Rested the animals near Weber River.
Entry:
Look's like I got swindled ag'in! Gosh darn damn darn dun darn dammit! I...hol' on I'll be back..
- Walter Graves
(this page is slightly covered in blood):
Well that was fun. My .357 Magnum dun got me my Ox back, I reckon' that varment won't be needin' it cuz he dead now.
- Walter
P.S. aint no one fuck with Walter!
Narrator:
January 2, 1844
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 95 pounds of meat.
Not much else to do, but cross our fingers, and hope the ice holds.
Made it to Pratt’s Pass.
Entry:
Wootang! I got me anoth' b'ar! That sumbitch was trekkin' thru the snow like a dumb deaf bear. I dun shot it good! Mo b'ar bacon for me!
- Walter Graves
P.S. There's a lot of b'ar in my wagon!
Narrator:
January 3, 1844
It is mighty cold today. We’re going to slow down.
Entry:
Piss on this weather shit.
- Walter
(there's what appears to be dried up spit on this page)
Narrator:
January 4, 1844
Our wagon tipped over. We lost 1 16-oz. jar of honey; 1 16-oz. tin of lantern oil; 1 16-oz. tin of maple syrup; 2 boxes of matches; and various other items.
The weather turned very cold, and I decided to slow down.
Entry:
Thank God I ain't lost me none bacon....
- Walter
Narrator:
January 5, 1844
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 16-oz. tin of lantern oil; 2 boxes of matches; 3 16-oz. jars of molasses; 1 16-oz. bottle of ammonia; and various other items.
I have cuts and abrasions. We're going to treat with an antiseptic.
Entry:
God damn, I can't believe I got myself injured... Well... See ya in four months. I'm gonna stay here and induce a laudanum coma. Fuck this.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
April 12, 1844
Entry:
Fuck this.
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 10, 1844
Today we saw Hogsback Summit. What a sight!
Entry:
Howdy Yall! I dun continue my journey now, I drank plenty of whiskey and now I feel better, plus the winter is over. Which means I can go back to eatin' my bacon without freezin!
Walter Graves
Hogsback Summit, ain't no hogs back there!
Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 11, 1844
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 16-oz. tin of lantern oil; 3 boxes of matches; 1 16-oz. jar of molasses; 1 8-oz. jar of aloe vera; and various other items.
Entry:
Sweet Zombie Jesus! I damn near killed myself goin' round that turn! I sure hope no one dun saw that, Gosh darn do I feel stupid...
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 12, 1844
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 box of matches; 1 16-oz. jar of molasses; 1 set of clothing; 4 16-oz. bottles of brandy; and various other items.
Entry:
Good lord not again!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 16, 1844
Traded 6 16-oz. bottles of brandy for 1 30-foot length of chain.
Today our eyes were greeted with the sight of East Canyon.
Entry:
Got this chain in case some wise crackin' swine decides to be fun funny by givin' me guff! I dun reckon' no body mess with the great Walter Graves. I just dun had a couple bad trips that all, now back to trippin' on laudonam.
Walter Graves
P.S. That was lame.
Narrator:
May 17, 1844
Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's Big Mountain Pass.
Entry:
Mr. Roger Tillman decides it's time to star' actin' like an asshole. I dun punch him good in the face, infront of his bitch husban' Frodo, I beat his ass too cuz he lookin' like I gon' rape him. Deer Lord man! I ain't gay, I tol' em both to go piss themselves cuz I dun reckon' guide book can't be wrong mother fucker!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 19, 1844
Traded 2 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon axle.
Entry:
Seems like a good trade, never know when ya gonna need another axle.
Narrator:
May 20, 1844
Broke a wagon axle today. We will have to trade for a replacement.
Enjoyed a cup of coffee with Mr. Lumare today at noon near Little Mountain.
Entry:
Deer GOD! I got Swindled a-fuckin'-gain! I'm gonna fuckin' kill that sumbitch...
Walter Graves
I got 'em!
Walter Graves
Let me tell y' somethin' bout that Mr. Lumare, looks like he came right out of the dirt, like me. He got himself bacon, and is travel'in the trail wit his daughter, who I'm gonna bang tonight jus' cuz aint no man gonna live MY dream. I dun tol' him my family died, and he tol' me he knew. I...couldn't dun do nothin' but be polite at that point cuz... I mean.. who else knows?
Walter Graves
P.S. Gonna be keepin' the .357 Magnum mighty close these days...
Well tarnations! It looks like me and Mr. Roger Tillman were both wrong about where we almost was! That mountain was barely a hill! I dun reckon I forgave Mr. Tillman for hittin' him in the face, but I had to go punch Frodo in the face cuz he dun look at me funny. I hate that bastard.
- Walter
Narrator:
May 23, 1844
Nooned late today not far from Last Creek Canyon.
Sang and told stories around the noon campfire near Great Salt Lake Valley.
Entry:
Got drunk and loaded off my ass, I dun remember what stories I said, but I stole me Mr. Lumare's guitar and my rockin' tunes damn sure rocked! I must've told them all somethin' really scary, cuz they're all...avoidin' me all a sudden, like I dun confessed to my murderin's...
...Oh shit!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 26, 1844
I started showing symptoms of scurvy. We're trying our best to go look for edible plants.
Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Weber River.
Went gathering. We found edible Arrowhead roots, edible Rose hips and edible Sow Thistle leaves.
Went gathering. We found edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Salsify roots, edible Raspberries and edible Prairie Poppymallow roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Blackberries, edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Rose hips and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
Went gathering. We found edible Black Mustard greens, edible Blue-bead Clintonia berries, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots and edible Wild Onion bulbs.
Went gathering. We found edible Dandelion leaves and roots, edible Currants, edible Raspberries and edible Sunflower seeds.
Went gathering. We found edible Arrowhead roots, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Raspberries and edible Dandelion leaves and roots.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
I can't be goin' down like my pirate ancestry with this scurvy shit...so looks like I'll be pickin' berries all day woo!
Walter Graves
P.S. Ain't nobody givin' me guff, which is strange, cuz it seem's like they suspicious. I dun know what I said that other night that did this. Oh lord I jus' wanted to live the dream of travelin' alone!
Narrator:
May 28, 1844
Made an early start this morning; passed Bear River.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 3 pounds of meat.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Shot me a skunk! Oh lord does that shit stank, I threw it at Tillman's wagon good!
Gonna caulk me another river woo!
Walter Graves
Narrator:
May 29, 1844
Much grumbling today about Nick Tillman near Malad River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Our train lost 1 wagon and 2 people crossing the river today.
We tipped the wagon and lost 1 harmonica; 2 boxes of matches; 1 8-oz. bottle of alum; 1 16-oz. box of borax; 8 16-oz. bottles of brandy; and various other items.
I gave us a good scare by coming close to drowning. I decided to continue.
Entry:
I'm writin' this now, out of fear that they's dun afte' me. I heard some of the folk'round here talkin' bout that Nicholas Tillman fella I killed back there in Bat Country... I swear these swine are 'bout to release the trap on me.. I just know it.... They' goin' to shut down Walter Graves American Dream f'r good!
Walter Graves
Well I attempted to fake my death, and lost my harmonica instead! Oh deer lord I ain't mean to sacerfice my harmonica!
- Walter
Narrator:
May 31, 1844
The ox yoke broke, and I decided to try to repair it.
We were successful.
The wagon train reached Blue Springs this day.
Entry:
I did it! I dun did fixed my yoke!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 1, 1844
A thick fog rolled in today. Looks like we'll continue as usual.
Enjoyed a cup of coffee with Mr. Lumare today at noon near Rattlesnake Pass.
Entry:
I gotta tell ya that Mr. Lumare makes a mean coffee, turns out he took the trail to get away from his wife back there in Independence, like I dun had tried to do! I gotta tell ya, him bein' all kind like, makes me almost feel guilty fo' bangin' his daughter!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 2, 1844
Rested for a time near Deep Creek.
Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.
Entry:
Deep Creek? I reckon' ain't no time to ford when there's bacon to be lost! Mo' Caulkin' today! Woo!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 3, 1844
Rested the animals near Cedar Springs.
Entry:
All these trees make me weep. They should be turned into firewood, houses, guns and such. This ecosystem is just wastin' away. What a waste for industry.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 4, 1844
The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will slow down.
Entry:
It's like crossin' through a great void of stuff that makes ya choke! It getting' all o'er my bacon, I can't be havin' that.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 6, 1844
Traded 16 16-oz. bottles of brandy for 1 spare ox yoke.
Entry:
Seems like a good trade, Wifey ain't around to drink that brandy no more anywhoo!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 7, 1844
The ox yoke broke, and I decided to trade for a replacement.
Had a lengthy chat with Mr. Lumare today near Raft River.
Entry:
What the Hell! All these people are swine! I dun made sure that was pure brandy too! No spit or nothin'! I dun am gonna choke that sumbitch good!
Walter
Mr. Lumare walked in on me bangin' his daughter. Whoops. I say I dun know why he got so angry. I tell ya, the way he was actin' it was as if he was bangin' her. I tell ya, people aro'nd 'ere startin' t' act suspicious of me as of late, still my .357 Magnum dun gon' protect me. Let's just say I gave Lumare a good punch in the face, he'll come around in the mornin' he's the only person 'ere who know's not to guff.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 9, 1844
We rested a while not far from Salt Lake Cutoff Junction.
Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near City of Rocks. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.
Entry:
Jus' when I though' we was at Salt Lake City I dun get confused when the sign read Salt Lake Cutoff. So I reckon I cut off Mr. Dabbly's arm when he came up to me earlier askin' where we was. I dun reckon' people callin' me ig'nant. I say these people are all swine, and if I don't maintain the crazies every'ne thinks I have, then they're g'nna send me away to jail for good!
Walter
Narrator:
June 10, 1844
We spotted a group of strangers and decided it would be best to wait to see what they do.
They approached us and we talked.
Entry:
Those damn sons'o'bitches! They scared me outright, I thought they was authorita' so I dun shot one o' em with my .357 Magnum and they came and begged for their lives like cowards. I reckon I gave em a good round of ol' fisticuffs, and then I spent the rest of my day eatin' bacon, and shootin up laudanum.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 11, 1844
I have been showing symptoms of scurvy. We'll have to administer magnesia.
Entry:
Damn karma, I jus' wanna survive this trail with my bacon and whiskey. I start'd mixin my whiskey and laudanum, and shootin' it up like. Man that gives ya good kick! I dun tell eve'yone else I got scurvy fo' some reason. I reckon when they sent me a doctor I beat him good in the face. Then I dun made my way to Mr. Lumare's wagon and beat his daughter good! Oh that brought me back memories of when I beat Wifey! I reckon' I kind' miss my fam'ly...
- Walter
Narrator:
June 12, 1844
Nooned at California Trail Junction.
Entry:
Holy shit! We're in California? Whoops....
Walter
P.S. I beat Mr. Lumare's daughter ag'in, and blamed her fo' the misdirections. Now everyon' hates that whole family.
Narrator:
June 16, 1844
Reached Caldron Linn about noon--about time!
Entry:
Darn tootin' 'bout time! I reckon' this be one of the darn best places I dun ever be! I shot me up thrice the ammount of laudonam, and made my way into that there town, raped me a couple women and then I...don't rememb' what else, but that's why this place rules so much, cuz the people here so dumb, you can just relax while mistreatin' 'em as such, ain't no law here! Woo!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 17, 1844
Had a pleasant talk with Miss Whitney today in the vicinity of Rock Creek.
Decided to ford the river.
Our train lost 1 wagon and 1 person crossing the river today.
Entry:
I reckon' that Miss Whitney be a nice lady, I raped her good and she still wanted t' talk! I dun diddily dun believe it! I reckon' I can't have people get suspicious tho', so when I forded that there river, I made sure her wagon wouldn't make it 'cross...and she died. Ain't my fault, I was in my wagon drunk and stoned like always...
- Walter
Narrator:
June 18, 1844
We had to double-team the animals to try to get our wagon out of the mud.
Entry:
Ag'in! No warnin' 'bout this damn here mud! I reckon' I walked my way up to the leader, then I remembered that...I am the leader... So I dun can't dun do nothin' but darn blame my damn self... So I reckon.. I just fired up my ol' stove oven's and cooked me up so much bacon that after I dun ate it all I blacked out, that way no one can blame me fo' nothin!
- Walter
Narrator:
June 21, 1844
Our path was blocked by fallen rocks on the trail. We decided to continue over the obstruction.
The dust from other wagons has gotten bad. We decided to slow down.
Entry:
Everyone's all complainin' bout stupid shit now a days. Them wasn't rocks, I tell em, they was bodies. And I was right, don't ask me how I knew, I dun won't ever tell.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 24, 1844
Traded 19 16-oz. bottles of brandy for 1 spare wagon axle.
Entry:
I figure it was a good trade, that guy seemed nice.
- Walter
Narrator:
June 25, 1844
Broke a wagon axle today. We will have to trade for a replacement.
Heard news of a murder and hanging last night near Kanaka Rapids. Enough to send shivers down one’s spine.
Entry:
Oh jiminy jillickers! Tarnation damn diddily damn dammit! I dun got fooled again! Hold on I'll be right back...
Walter
Aight I'm back now, took care of that guy good! I dun, oh shit.. Everyone's talkin' bout the murder'n'hangin'.. OH Shit they're comin here!
Walter
Okay, okay, everythin' is cool... I just got 4 bodies in my wagon with me... it'll be okay, nobody saw, nobody knows... oh god... they're aft' me for sure now...
Narrator:
June 26, 1844
We just learned that I have been showing symptoms of scurvy. It seems I'll have to administer dover's powder.
Came to Thousand Springs.
Today we reached Upper Salmon Falls.
Entry:
That's right...blame it...alll on the scurvy... Yeeeesssss.... it was the scuurvy that made me do it......the scuurrrvy..... Oh lord, I'm gonna take me some more laudonam, I'm shakin' at my boots!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
June 30, 1844
Traded 1 box of 20 bullets for 10 pounds of salt pork.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 99 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Well, today was a fantastic day! I dun traded me that there bullets for some good ol' salt pork, I reckon I say I got ripped off, but who cares? Anyway, I decided then to go get me some huntin' down. I reckon I shot me a b'ar! I dun diddily do believe it! I only brought back enough for b'ar bacon and it's hide, but I reckon, I tell ya, there be a lot of b'arrrrr in these woods....
Walter
Narrator:
July 2, 1844
Much grumbling today about Nick Tillman near Three Islands.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 56 pounds of meat.
Entry:
Shit, today I heard some fella's talkin' bout Nick Tillman ag'in. I reckon we long passed Bat Country, and I reckon' they start'in to say I the one who stabbed him! I told em t' shut up, but they kept goin on about it...so well my .357 Magnum just came out of it's holster and fired up a storm... Oh cripes, the law is after me now! I gotta skidattle!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 3, 1844
After much travail, we came to Snake River.
Decided to caulk the wagon and float it across.
Entry:
Thank the Lord for that there river, I dumped the four bodies I dun shot yesterday, in that river. Then I shot myself up with 5 bottles of Laudanum at once, Oh shit it's comin on!
Walter
(The rest of this page is scribbles)
Narrator:
July 4, 1844
It is Independence Day and we're going to continue.
Reached Hot Springs.
Entry:
Wootang! It be Independence Day! I can celebrate it this year cuz I am dun independent! This is the best dream I have ever dun lived. A couple more month's and I'll have survived a whole year eatin' bacon and drinkin' whiskey by myself alone on this stupid trail.
I reckon' Hot Springs is cold as ice! I reckon I decided to go get me all liquored up and dive on in. Everyone laughin at me now... I gonna get 'em.
Walter
Next time someone travels this way, this place aint be called Hot Springs no more...it'll be called Blood Falls....
- Walter
Narrator:
July 6, 1844
Today we reached Register Rock.
From now on, eight hours of travel per day.
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We did not have any luck.
Entry:
Decided to take the trail a bit slower, why rush? I still got plenty o' bacon and whiskey and that there laudanum. I figure I gonna spend the rest of the day playin' my stolen Geetar!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 7, 1844
We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.
We found: 3 6-oz. bottles of ginger.
Entry:
I also found a little girl, but she wasn't alive no more when I was done wit' 'er... O' well, no one needs to know!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 8, 1844
Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Bonneville Point.
Entry:
Yeah RIGHT! This place is a dump! What's the Point?
- Walter
Narrator:
July 12, 1844
We just learned that I have been showing symptoms of scurvy. It seems I'll have to administer magnesia.
Entry:
I went crazy cuz I haven't had laudanum in a while, and attacked Mr. Lumare and his daughter, then I went on a rambling tirade about how we're all goin' into bat country! And scared everyone good! Cuz then I brought out my .357 Magnum and start'd shootin' I killed Mr. Pepperman's dog, but no one reckon say that a Mr. Pepperman exists. I dun reckon I shoot his dog tho..but no one say I dun shot nothin! I...don't know what's goin on no more..I just blame it on scurvy..
- Walter
Narrator:
July 13, 1844
The mosquitoes are driving us crazy, keeping us awake at night. We must continue.
Entry:
Today I started shootin all over the place in my wagon, cuz I woke up to swarms of black figures attackin' me. Turns out they wasn't bats, that they was just misquitos. I dun shot my bacon! O' well, a little lead in the bacon aint hurt nobody...
- Walter
Narrator:
July 15, 1844
Went gathering. We found edible Yellow Pond Lily tubers, edible Stinging Nettle leaves (cook them first!) and edible Salsify roots.
Entry:
Today I picked my berries!
- Walter
Narrator:
July 18, 1844
Traded 2 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder for 1 spare wagon tongue.
Entry:
I figure I'm gonna need it. That guy seemed nice too, I reckon' a good trade for once!
- Walter Graves
Narrator:
July 19, 1844
The wagon tongue broke. We will trade for a replacement.
Entry:
Well Tarnations! I got swindled again! I dun reckon I shot that mo'fucker in the face when I caught up with him. I have neve' been insulted like this by no man so many times! I shot Mr. Lumare in the face too for tryin' to talk sense into me, he's dead now. These people are all against me! I dun just wanted to live the dream!
I got in a big fight with Frodo Baggin's cuz he's a beitch. And then I shot Mr. Roger Tillman in the face cuz he tried to dun thwart my beatings on Frodo. I tell ya these people are springin' the trap soon, I dun just wanted to live the American Dream. I gonna spend the rest of the night eatin' bacon....
Walter
I just shot me up a full quart of Laudanum...man...now everythin' seems to make sense... I reckon' tomorrow'll be another grand day of huntin' and all this...murder stuff'll blow over. I gotta relax and get back on the trail and get done finished with my dream....
- Walter
Narrator:
July 20, 1844
We stopped along the trail to hunt. We obtained 98 pounds of meat.
I was just mauled by a bear. Seems best if we clean and dress the wound.
Walter Graves died.
EYE WITNESS ACCOUNTS:
Many witnessed Mr. Walter Graves march out of his wagon this morning, with his .357 Magnum for what appeared to be for hunting. Some say they saw him shoot up 10 bottles of full laudanum, others say they saw him drink a whole gallon of whiskey upon leavin' his wagon. Then as he approached the hunting fields... He threw his gun at a bear striking it in the face from about 30 yards away, then he charged it like a maniac screaming in irate rage. He tackled the bear but met his fate when the bear mauled off his face...
This here ends the trail of Walter X. Graves, he murdered his family, murdered his friends, lived his dream and got mauled by a bear. Also we found 2 wagons full of bacon grease, and his main wagon full of bacon and two stoves cooking enough bacon for two families, for reasons that still remain a mystery...
THE END
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